Almost 14 girl with a crush on a 17yo
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| Sun, 11-05-2006 - 5:47pm |
My dd will be 14 in 11 days. She is a pretty good student, mostly A's & B's. She started High School this year (9th grade). She takes 3 music classes a day, where she has met someone who is 17 (18 in June). He's a very nice, shy boy. My dd went to jr. high with his sister last year (and will again next year when the sister comes to the High School). My 17yo son has been going to school with this boy since the 8th grade, and agrees that he is a very nice, shy boy. He told me that ordinarily he would object to a 17yo wanting to date his sister, but he has no objections to this one in particular.
We spend a significant amount of time around this boy (and his mom, a band parent). We even went trick-or-treating together last month. This boy has only had 1 'girlfriend', and that was in 8th grade. For obvious reasons, we are a little concerned with the age difference. This boy does drive, but it seems like he'd rather ride with us in our car if we're going somewhere together. He's very respectful, has nice manners, comes from a very nice family. It seems like the whole family is very quiet. He's thinking of joining the Police Academy after graduation. He was considering the Marines but his family seems to think that because he's so sensitive that they'll just chew him up and spit him out!!
We've given our dd the green light to start dating (with restrictions of course), when she turns 14. She doesn't know it yet, but we bought her a promise ring that if she wants to start dating, she has to promise herself to us. She has to promise to remain pure to herself and to us until a Man is ready to replace our promise ring with an engagement ring.
My own sister seems to think that because this boy is 17 that he's just automatically a pedofile for being interested in a 13yo. That just really makes me mad, because my own son could get labeled like that if he were to have a crush on a 13/14yo girl, and I know he's no pedofile. He's immature for his age. I'm just so angry at her for that comment.
We've raised our daughter to be respectful of her body. We've always told her that NO ONE has the right to touch her in ANY way that makes her feel uncomfortable. We've talked to her extensively about sex, pregnancy, abortion, relationships, rape, and even statutory rape and what that means. She's not naïve in any way. I have a policy with my kids to always be open and honest with them and that they can ask any question at any time and get a truthful answer because there is so much information out there that is just so wrong. Even my dd's friends ask me questions. Once I have their parents permission, I'll answer their questions too. Even the schools are too embarrassed to answer kids questions honestly. They just give them the brush off. Well, these are the kids who are learning in on the streets.
In the back of my mind I'm thinking....ok, he's graduating in June, then he'll be gone....and then of course, this is a first bf for her, and they don't generally last anyway, right?
Ok, your 2cents worth....be gentle please....

Personally, my husband and I think that 14 is too young to date one-on-one. My oldest two are now in their early 20s, and they agree with us on this issue (they didn't at the time!).
Was that a gentle response?
Yes that was gentle. I don't have a problem with my dd being 14 because there will be restrictions that she'll have to adhere to. It will also be leverage for grounding her when she's not minding us :)
Since this is her first "relationship", I'm sure her expections will be pretty low. From reading her text messages on her phone, its all pretty innocent. He won't even hold her hand yet. That makes me feel better.
Thanks for your response....I'll be lingering here in the posts.
Personally I do not like the idea of my 14 year old daughter dating a 17 year old, but ultimately the decision is up to you. I am in this situation right now and my daughter is dating a boy 3 years older than her. He is a nice boy, but the age difference doesn't make me feel comfertable. I tried restricting the relationship all together, but found out a month ago that they have continued to see each other. At this moment they are only allowed to see each other at my house during the weekends. Also, I have talked to the boy and he is starting to understand my position.
But back to your question, if you don't mind your daughter dating him, then by all means allow her.
Natalie
Last year, as a 14 y/o freshman my DD dated an 18 y/o senior for a time.
While I wouldn't encourage 'dating' at this age, it sounds like you know him and his family pretty well. If she's more mature, with an emotional age of 15, and his emotional age is less than his chronological age, say 16 or 17, then they are not really that far apart in the 'age' that matters here.
But if you do allow dating, as Rose mentioned, do set limits as to where they go, what they do and how frequently and how long they stay out. Also, remind your daughter that she may lose touch with some of her other friends in her class if she spends too much time with him, and in the long run, that may not be good for her.
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http://www.pnhp.org/news/2009/october/meet_the_new_health_.php
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM
I think sophomore year is more appropriate for dating but my kids were never interested as freshman(yet)so that's been an easy rule for me to enforce :)
My oldest was shy, introverted and inexperienced and dated(still does)a girl 3 years younger. She was still in high school and he was not. People's attitudes were negative;you are right that terms like statutory rape and pedophile will get tossed around. I had brought the situation up on an IVillage board(not this one)and it got nasty!
Meanwhile, there I was, worried about this experienced girl and what SHE was teaching my inexperienced son. It was frustrating!
I think you are right to acknowledge the differences in social maturity and how can they can impact things. And I also give you credit for seeing this boy in a positive light instead of writing him off because he didnt mature socially as fast as his classmates!
GF's mom always liked my son-she never had a problem with the age difference. I think she knew her dd was in safe hands; shy, introverted guys are less likely to physically abuse or control girls IMO.
I was just looking at my dd's i.m. log and she was talking to her friends about this boy. Her friends were asking about my dd and this boys intentions. My dd stressed to her friends how they both don't believe in sex b4 marriage. She just wants to hold hands and experience the feeling of that "first kiss". She doesn't know I track her conversations so I believe she's on the up-and-up. I've check her cell phone for text messages, and everythings is quite innocent. That makes me feel good, and happy that she listens to us when we talk about commitment/love/honesty/trust. Her dad and I have been married for 20 years....that's what she see's everyday. This boys parents have been married about the same length. He has a sister that is 20, another sister who is 12, and a little brother that is just 3! So he's seeing commitment everyday too.
Ok, so now I've got a better feeling....any ideas of what restrictions to put on dating? Since he does drive, should they still be driven? Curfew? I'm thinking 11:00 on Fri/Sat. No way should they be alone in anyone's house. Stay out of bedrooms...period! Group dates are still questionnable, only because they can always say they stayed together, but did they really? Just a thought....
Thanks!
I would discourage this relationship. Not because I agree with your sister, but simply because at this age, 3 years does make a difference, IMO. I would encourage her to spend her time with people her own age. At *newly* 14, I don't think dating is really something I would approve anyway, but especially not a 17 year old senior. It just doesn't sit well with me.
At 14, group dating (IMO) is the norm. Having a special male friend come to the house and watch a movie alone in the family room is okay; holding hands, a kiss goodnight...all okay. But going in a car on a date alone with a 17 y/o boy would leave me feeling very uncomfortable. It makes me wonder why isn't he spending his time with girls his own age, those who are physically and mentally on the same leve. And please, don't give me that garbage about girls being so much more mature than boys...lol...I have two dd's, I already know that's true. I just wouldn't approve of my 14dd having a relationship with a 17 year old young man.
About the promise ring: Who she is today and who she is even one year from now will differ...maybe I'm jaded, but between my own girls and thier friends, I've seen the often drastic changes that occur between the ages of 14 and 17. A promise she's willing to make at 14 may not be a promise she can keep later on. By allowing her to date this 17 y/o because she makes a promise to remain yours until a MAN comes along with an engagement ring is unrealistic. Sweet, but unrealistic. Sorry, those are my personal feelings on that matter...you know your dd best.