Almost empty nester thoughts

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Almost empty nester thoughts
6
Thu, 08-09-2007 - 11:37pm

My DD leaves for college in two weeks. This coming week, she says goodbye to her boyfriend of almost two years. He goes off to military school and will not be able to communicate with her for at least four weeks, possibly six. And even after that, he can only write letters, call once in awhile, or email once in awhile. As you can see, tough and big transitions coming up in her life, and ours too.

My frustration comes not from the transitions themselves, but the reactions I get when talking to those around me about these transitions. It's amazing how insensitive people can be!! I can't tell you how many people have said to me, "Oh you're going to love being an empty nester! You'll be surprised how much you enjoy having them all gone!" While that may ultimately end up being somewhat truthful, I find it quite insensitive for people to say that to me....right now....while I am living through it. I'm not feeling like 'oh, this is wonderful!' right now. I'm feeling a lot more like 'wow, this is really really difficult!' I think my friends are trying to reassure me, but it really feels a lot more like they are just blowing my feelings off as being silly, or not of importance. After all, they lived through it, and they seem rather smug about that fact. Then, the other part of this is that DD is saying goodbye to her boyfriend. Think about who you would like to be able to talk to the most (aside from good ol mom and dad) when you are making this very scary transition into a new phase of your life? Your best friend right? Well that's what DD's boyfriend is....her best friend. I've lost count of the well meaning people who have said to me (or to her) "oh, they will break up. Those high school romances never last." Again, while that may end up being true in the long run....WHY do people feel the need to be so insensitive about it?

A good friend of mine (God bless her) recently made the comment to me, when I was talking to her about all of these upcoming changes, "These are your feelings and these are your current circumstances. They DO matter!" I wonder why more people can't see that.

Have any of you who have gone through this phase of life encountered these well meaning, but insensitive comments? --Nancy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2007
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 12:01am

Hi,

My teens are not 18 yet. But they have talked of going to boarding school and I felt an emptiness. It would not go away. You love your daughter. People that tell you to get a life or you get over it are off base I think. You wouldn't be human if you were happy about parting with somebody you love!!! I wrote a post on a blog I do about this (darydayshow.com) after I interviewed empty nesters and they told the truth about what they went through. One mom who had a great life used to smell her daughter's clothes because it made her feel close. Others told me they cried for months. It hurts to separate from someone you love...I don't care how full your life is. I hate when people say, get a life. Most women have 9 lives, we're all so busy doing doing doing. You're being honest. I think you are also being incredibly sensitive worrying that your daughter won't have her boy friend to talk to. I worried my daughter would miss talking to a guy friend while she was at camp, even though it was good for her to detach from him as he is too old for her at this stage. Still I didn't want her to feel the hurt. In her case it passed as she made new friends. In your daughter's case, it may take a different turn. But it's great that you are sensitive to her feelings!! You are a good mother. Your daughter is lucky to have you. The good news is I think your daughter will stay close to you emotionally because of the way you are. Talk to those who understand. Don't let those who don't have a chance to minimalize your feelings. All the best and let us know how it goes. We're all going to go through it. I'm praying my daughters like their new school and don't start talking boarding school, or I could lose them to a school away at age 14. So, we're all in this together--and believe me you are not alone in your feelings. I talked to many women. You have lots of company in feeling you will miss your daughter. But at least we have a daughter to miss. That is what comforts me, as some of my friends don't even have children. Let me know how you make out. Good luck to your family.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 12:28am

Thank you! What a lovely, and incredibly thoughtful response. I feel better already!

Nancy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2007
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 12:39am
Good. Just post anytime you want to share. It's hard going through these things alone! It helps to at least have each other!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2006
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 12:17pm

My daughter will be a senior in high school this year. She is the baby of the family so after she leaves there will be no one else. I have already talked to other people about the empty nest situation and I have gotten a lot of the same responses. I think that people just want to say that you will be okay from it and have a good time in the long run.

Right now I am not excited about having an empty nest. Even though it is a year away, that is not a long time. I was sad when she went away to ballet camp for a little over a month. A lot of the schools that she is looking at are on the east coast or at least a 10 hour drive. The ones near home she does not even really want to go to, but are applying to them for safety reasons. It is harder for me with Madison that it was with my son when he left for college because I have a stronger relationship with Madison. Don't get me wrong I was upset when Connor left too, but it was a different feeling.

The boyfriend wont last comment, I have heard several times. Madison's boyfriend of nearly 2 years will be a sophomore in college this year. When he was leaving I would hear all the time that they wont last past Thanksgiving break. Well they proved those people wrong and are still going to go out this year.

Good luck with your daughter leaving. This is a difficult time and I am sorry that no one is really seeing that. I like to send care packages to my son if that helps at all.

Adelaide

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 1:22pm

I have experienced the negative comments and they kind of bother me. I know that people are just trying to help, but they dont seem to realize that their remarks aren't what I want to hear.

Though I am not yet an empty nester(one more still at home), 3 significant people are leaving the home and going away for college. They wont be within just visiting distance, but 4-10 hours by car. Right now I don't want to hear all the free time that I will gain again or all the couple time or one more until you really have your life back. I just want someone to be sympathetic that though I am extremely proud of my children going to college, I am not exactly thrilled about seeing them go.

Bradford, Shea, and Reagan are all in relationships and none of their partners are going to the same school as them. They and I both have heard on several occasions how their relationships wont last, especially now that it is long distance. I mean I am not pushing marriage in any means, nor do I want my children to be tied down to the phone or their significant others, but I think that it is rude that people would just expect for them to break up soon.

I definately know what you are going through and am sympathetic to your feelings. They are completely normal and I think that people either forget if they have already been in your position or are unaware how hard it can be to send a child away.

Best of luck,

Stephanie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Sat, 08-11-2007 - 1:09pm

Stephanie and Adelaide,

Thanks for your kind notes. Wow, Stephanie....having THREE go off at once! I can understand how you will feel kind of lonely. That's half the family leaving all at once. And yes, although you have another child at home, of course you'll miss your kids.

Frankly, I'm always mystified when people make remarks about how "you'll have your life back' when your kids leave, or "oh, I wasn't upset at ALL when my kids left home!". Having children is one of the greatest blessings in my life, and having my grown kids around me is truly enjoyable. My life is rich and full when my children are home. I'm not saying that DH and I can't enjoy life with them gone, but we both love and enjoy having our kids around us. And as for teenage relationships. Yes, statistically it may be proven that more often than not, they don't last....but each relationship (no matter what age the people are) is different, and really nobody can know the outcome until it happens. I'm not advocating marriage for DD at this point...she's way too young...but I also know that she cares deeply for her boyfriend. I think it is more realistic to just let the relationship play out however it is supposed to. People who think they know how things will turn out should just keep their comments to themselves, and wait and see!

Thanks....Nancy