Am I being too hard on my DD? - Long

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Am I being too hard on my DD? - Long
5
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 1:42pm

My DD is 17. She has become a totally different person in the last year. She used to be a totally withdrawn teen and spent so much time at home and alone that I worried about that. Well, she has done a complete turnaround and now never wants to be home, always wants to hang out with her friends, etc. She now hangs out with a group of friends who I do not really like her hanging out with. I know most of them (not all of them, but most of them) drink, smoke, and basically get in trouble a lot.

My DD used to be such a "good girl". She got good grades, all of the teachers liked her, she played softball (basically year-round and was really good at it). She had every chance of a going to a great college in the fall and had every interest in doing that but now she doesn't want to go to any college that isn't near our home and her friends. My DD will graduate next year but a lot of her friends are a year younger than she is and the ones who are her age will most likely be staying the area after high school to either do directly work or attend community college near us. I wanted so much better than for my daughter than she is pursuing. I hate the way she has started to act since she began hanging out with these kids (even though I know that any poor decisions she makes are her own fault). She had a couple of car accidents within a couple of months period of time. One of her accidents was horrifying. She had 2 of her friends with her, she totalled her car and it's a miracle that they came out alive yet alone with hardly any injuries. I take a lot of the blame for that because I gave her too much freedom at that time. When she received her car, she was still a "good girl".

I am totally stressed out because I basically feel that my DD is throwing her life away by hanging out with these kids because she now has no interest in college (although she said she's going to go) or basically any interest in anything that doesn't involve hanging out with her friends.

She had a chance to go out with a really nice guy but turned him down because he didn't fit in with "her group". A year ago she would have jumped at the chance to go out with this guy. She had a job for a short period of time. It was a good job at a very nice restaurant but because it took time away from her friends (because she had to work on Friday nights), she quit. She didn't even go to her Homecoming dance at school this year and it was her last one since she's a Senior. Last year, she was so upset because she couldn't go to Homecoming because we were out of town for her stepsister's wedding.

I only want the best for my daughter. I know that deep down she is a great girl with good standards but I think she has low self-esteem and thinks these friends are the best she can do. I am definitely considering taking her to counseling to help her get herself back on the right track but I know she will completely hate that idea and wouldn't be a willing participant in the counseling.

Does anyone have any suggestions? I have tried to have a heart-to-heart talk with her almost on a daily basis but it usually just turns into a yelling session (she yells at me that I think I'm better than her friends and I don't like them because I think they're rednecks). I love my daughter so much and I want her to straighten her life out before it's too late. She has so much to offer but I don't think she believes that.

She tells me that she is totally stressed out all of the time because she thinks I hate her friends, her real Dad isn't in her life, and she's trying to live up to my standards. (Her real father has nothing to do with my kids and hasn't for about 5 years now.) I am remarried and have been for over 8 years now but my daughter and husband have never been really close. I know it's hard for her to know that her father has nothing to do with her, etc. She has mentioned a few times that she wishes she would have died in her car accident.

I'm at a loss. Should I just lay off of her for a little bit? Should I get her into counseling?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 2:13pm

You asked whether you are being too hard on your dd. The quotes above jumped out at me - you don't mention any specific way in which you've been "hard" on her. I do think you need to listen to her more. She does not want to live the life you want for her; she wants to live her own life. I know that is hard to hear, but you're going to have to accept your dd is a person in her own right, and is not necessarily going to follow your plan for her life. She may want to go to a community college nearby; why is that a problem? Of course, this does not apply to drinking and drugs. These are not "ways to live your life", they are bad choices and it's your job as a parent to prevent her from making them, if at all possible. You didn't mention whether you suspect she drinks with these friends - your focus seems to be primarily on the fact that her friends drink and get in trouble. What about your dd? Does she drink? Has she gotten in trouble before?

Regarding mentioning she wishes she would have died in that car accident (were all the accidents her fault - was she drinking? have you taken the car away?). That would concern me. If it were my dd, yes I would take her to counseling. Many times they do not want to go. Make it so that it is not an option, i.e., you've had two accidents, you seem depressed and we'll give the car back after you've taken some therapy, etc. It does take the "right" therapist, too. Keep trying until you find one she likes. My dd didn't want to go to therapy until we found someone she likes. Now you can't keep her away!

Keep on talking to your dd and make sure she knows you'll love her, even if she doesn't want to follow the plan you had hoped she would for her life...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 2:27pm

I do not have a problem with her going to community college near us, it's just that it's totally different from what she wanted just 6-9 months ago. And, I think that is because of her friends. Yes, she has drank alcohol before with her friends (just once that I know of and she admitted to it -- she did not drive that evening -- she was spending the night at her friends). This was before I even knew that there was drinking involved. Both of the accidents were her fault although there was no alcohol involved. The first one I could excuse because actually it partially the other person's fault too but the second and most severe accident was because she was speeding and lost control. Her car was taken away for quite a while. She has received it back since then because she has proven that she is now a safe driver (although you can never be 100% sure since I can't be with her all of the time). I really think the accident had a lasting effect on her driving.

Yes, I know she is going to be her own person and I don't think that I would have such a hard time with it if this just didn't really come about and she did a total turnaround from the person she was before.

I tell her every day that I love her no matter what her choices regarding her future are but at the same time I stress to her that illegal and dangerous behavior will not be tolerated and aren't acceptable. She lied so much over the summer that it's hard to believe anything she says anymore (although she swears she isn't lying anymore and I haven't caught her in a lie in the past month).

I will definitely look for a counselor/therapist for her that is a good fit. I did make her go once after her accident because she wasn't dealing with it so well. I was in the session with her (at the request of the therapist) and my DD opened up quite a bit and wasn't resisting it but after that she said she wasn't going back. That particular therapist is no longer available but I will try to find her another one.

Thank you for your advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 5:48pm

I would lay off her about her choice of friends. I would only deal with each incident as it came up. If she drinks, deal with it then. If she smokes, deal with it then, etc. Your constant fighting about her friends is bound to be very hurtful to her b/c she choose them to be her friends so when you criticize her, she may see that as your criticizing her. I didn't approve of DD's choice of friends but it was her decision. However, I made sure she understood that if I had a concern about her choice of activity for the evening I would watch her like a hawk. I would call to verify parents would be home, no alcohol, etc. The rules were very strict and subject to change at my whim. This was very frustrating to her but she soon realized that when she was with one set of kids, her curfew might be extended but with the other set, she wouldn't get one minute leeway. I didn't make an issue of which friends she was with but if she asked to stay out and she happened to be with the good kids, the answer was usually yes. If she asked to stay out and she happened to be with the bad kids, the answer always no. She finally asked once why and I simply responded well you don't get in trouble with those kids, so I can sleep better but if you're with the other kids, you make poor choices and then I have to punish you and since I don't like punishing you, I make you come home before you can make those bad choices and plus I get to sleep earlier. She started to argue but I told her I wasn't listening - it was her choice if she stayed out later by who she was with. She also knew I would check up on her some with the good kids just to make sure she wasn't lying to me about who she was with.

You also might want to let the whole college thing rest for a little while too. I know that is easier said than done (my DD was a senior last year and it was a nightmare b/c we didn't like her choice either). Basically we told her that if she couldn't act responsibly while she was living at home, she wasn't home just yet. You may simply tell her that as long as she keeps her grades up and stays out of trouble (again don't mention the friends specifically), then where she goes will be her choice. The problem with this is that you have to be willing to let them make that choice. Tell her that she must apply to at least three schools and go visit them and spend the night. Try to make her go on a big football or basketball weekend or when something is happening that she would enjoy.

Good Luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 7:22pm

I think you need to quit focusing on what you want for your DD and look at what she wants for herself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 7:49pm
Thanks for all of the advice. I will definitely take it all into consideration.