Am I being too sensitive?
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| Tue, 07-04-2006 - 12:22pm |
I've been out of town off and on for almost a month now (slept in my own bed 6 nights and not straight in a row). DD will be leaving for college in August so I really want to spend time with her. I got home around 10:00 am Sat and wanted to at least eat dinner with DD that night. She left to go fishing with her b/f. Then they went to his sister's horseshow with his parents (same thing they did on Fri night). So on Sunday, they were going fishing again. I asked her if DH and I could go since I hadn't seen her and her b/f much. She said no that they needed some time alone. I understood that and said okay. I asked if they would eat supper with us that night - she said if they had time. Well it turns out they went fishing with his parents and ate supper with them as well (3 nights in a row with his folks). Meanwhile, I'm at home doing her laundry since she had finals last week and studied all week and didn't do any. I was happy to help her out at the time. I was also happy to see her having a little fun. This was all before I found out they were with his parents again. Now I feel like I've been dumped as a mom and replaced by her b/f's family. I tried to suck it up and asked her on Monday about going out to eat with her dad and I - she didn't have time b/c classes started again but will I pick up some school supplies and stop at the grocery b/c she was out of smoothies. I did but while at the grocery she called to tell me she was going with b/f. Sometime on Monday I asked about having a cookout and going to see fireworks for the 4th - his family's having a cookout and she's can't go see fireworks b/c she has to get up the next morning early for school. Guess what - she's going with his best friend and their family to see fireworks.
I truly feel like a maid or servant to her. I have two choices hear - either talk to her about her hurtful behavior (which she will misinterpret as jealousy of his family) or just quit doing things for her and make her made that way. Either way, I look like a mean, uncaring, selfish mom. Any suggestions?

I'd be hurt. When my oldest and his GF moved in with her mother, I kept referring to her as 'the other mother'(they rented their own place end of May and I find I like her a lot better now ;))
I did notice that 'different' is appealing. A parent who parents or lives in a different manner I think peaks a teens interest for awhile. I don't know that it lasts but I think it exists. DD may be going through this with the BF's family right now
I would talk to her and tell her your feelings. I would aim to get together for dates farther in the future than you have been. And, despite their claims of wanting independence, I think a part of them still wants mom. She has been, perhaps, a little put out by your absence? I would point out you have missed her in your talk-no apology-just present missing her as a side effect of your schedule and go on to ask what dates would work for........whatever your next plans are
I wouldnt stop doing anything you are already doing unless you truly see the need for her to learn a new skill-laundry, for example, if she isnt already doing so. That she SHOULD learn before college. In general, though, you would stop out of your hurt feelings and that is never a good choice
As a side issue(sort of), when DH travelled a lot in years past, I always developed my routine while he was gone and there was a bit of annoyance at his return because he then messed up my routine which was going very nicely, thank you very much. I think he rather expected me falling into his arms and leading him to the bedroom upon his return and instead I was thinking "well, no McNuggets for the kids tonight; Ill have to cook"
Not sure how that fits in with DD but....you have been gone a lot-she's certainly developed her 'routine'
I don't think you're being too sensitive. I'd be hurt in that situation too. I think you owe it to yourself and your DD to be upfront with her about how her behavior affects you. But I do think you need to tread lightly so that your discussion with your DD doesn't come off jealous or whiny. Among other things, she's sort of lieing to you (don't have time, but then going with bf and his family) and that may be because she knows you'll be mad/hurt. Let her know that you *might* be hurt to find out she'd rather be with the other parents than with you, but you're MORE hurt that she feels she has to mislead you.
Then tell her what you told us - she's leaving for college soon and you want some special time together. Plan a few things together between now and when she leaves, so you'll both know they're there.
(((HUGS)))
Sue
Thank you all for letting me know I'm not crazy. Each time I asked to do something with her on Sat, Sun and Mon, I told her that I had missed her and her b/f and just wanted to spend a little time with them.
I also asked her today if I had done anything to hurt her and was that why she didn't want to be with me. She got defensive and told me that she purposely stayed home while I was gone so that DH wouldn't be alone and that she just wanted to go somewhere. This upset me even more so in keeping with my no discussions while upset, I left the room. Later I mentioned to her that this was the reason that I suggested fishing and fireworks - to go somewhere and actually DO something together. She apologized but with a major attitude. So once again I let it go.
I'm supposed to leave to go with her to college orientation later this week but now I'm seriously considering not going.
Okay so....sounds to me like there is more to this than she is perhaps letting on. Could it be that she is giving you some "payback" for being out of town so much? Maybe SHE is the one who felt betrayed by the fact that you were out of town for a large amount of time while she was trying to prep to leave for college? It may be a little immature but her defensiveness leads me to believe maybe she's trying to "punish" you somehow.
Take it from someone who has had a marriage fall apart because we were two people who refused to give in even a little bit....go with her to college orientation. Don't play the same game because its just going to increase the resentment in the end. You are an adult, you're not a child, and you should be big enough to do what you need to do and not get sucked into childish payback/revenge games.
And remember that despite the novelty and excitement of being with her bf and his family -- ultimately YOU are her real family and the family that will be with her no matter what. Odds are (and this is just realistic now) she and her bf may not even last through college. But you as her folks will be the one constant in her life. She needs to feel like no matter what she does, no matter what boundaries she tries to push, you will be there for her.
This is a test ...
She is used to my travelling during the summer so I doubt that she is punishing me although I suppose it's possible. The last couple nights I was gone she stayed with a friend b/c she and DH couldn't get along so maybe she's punishing me for that.
Her b/f's family is not a novelty to her - they've been together 3 years and I suspect that they will stay together through college since they've already made it through 2 years of long distance relationship.
I will probably ride with her to orientation but had already planned to stay at a hotel at night w/o her. I'm thinking now that I will probably make the car trip with her but leave her on her own while she's there - after all, that's what she wants - a big school with no family around and this is what orientation is about - getting used to it. I think of it as giving her the space she's desperately screaming at me that she needs right now.
Your dd sounds a little like mine. She hardly has time for her family, yet has time for her friend, BF, his family etc. Same thing with the BBQ and fireworks for the 4th at my house. I made do with my other dd and my 'foster' kids (they are always at my house) and tried not to let her behavior get me down.
Like you, I am happy to help my kids out and pick things up for them or get thier laundry together, etc. However, I learned a couple of years ago that they will be more than happy to let me run myself down doing for them so they can have the free time to spend with others or do what they want to do rather than what needs to be done. I now have my own schedule and I've learned to say no more often. Also, when faced with a situation like you're experiencing now (I have BTDT) I am just honest with her about how I feel. Even if I sound jealous, or pissy, I tell her. In a calm, not naggy kind of voice, I just tell her that I'm feeling a little used and neglected. If her hairs go up, oh well. We're entitled to our own feelings and expressing them - God knows, they express themselves all the time without even giving it a thought! I have said, "you know, I'm happy that you enjoy BF's family and that they like you so much. But I just wanted to tell you that I've been missing you alittle lately. I don't want to seem like I'm nagging, but since I put in so much time for you and your things, I'd appreciate it if you considered spending time with your family a little moreso than you do BF's." Believe it or not, she comes around.
Yesterday, I told DD we were having hamburgers for our BBQ - dd18 said "I hate hamburgers; why can't we have BBQ chicken?" So, during my market run, I grabbed some chicken to add to our menu. Later, just as it's about to go on the grill, she and bf leave to go to some fair! I asked, "Aren't you staying for dinner?" "No, we'll get something there" she said. I continued to make the food and she freaked when she saw me putting the chicken on the grill...."You're STILL making the chicken even though I'm not here?" Uhhhh, ya! I laughed her out the door and went about my business. After we returned from the fireworks around 10:30 PM, she was home and told me the fair stunk and they came home and did thier own fireworks out back and was disappointed that we weren't there. Duh - I figure eventually she will get it.
In the meantime, hang in there, stop doing so much for her and perhaps when she sees she can't take advantage of you she will come around. Hugs -
I don't think you should cancel your plans to accompany her to orientation. That will only broaden the gap you're currently experiencing.
Instead of asking her if there was anything YOU did to hurt HER, just stop. Stop catering to her, stop 'begging' her to be with you and do things with you. You told her how you felt, now let it go. She needs to come round of her own volition - do you want her hanging out with you because she feels obligated to or because she genuinely wants to?
You should make plans with your H or others, invite her or her and BF along. Give her the space she is seeking, but don't put your life on hold. She is in a very self centered mindset right now, typical of kids her age and of those who are graduated HS and on thier way to college, "real life". My dd18 is also starting college in the fall, and while my heart nearly breaks when I think of her gone from home, I can see that this is the big moment we've all been waiting for...her to develop into an independent young adult. Well, with that comes responsibilities that include taking care of herself, her own laundry, her own meals, her own schedule, and yes, to a degree responsibility to her family. While there is time for 'protocol' family time, it shouldn't be forced, it should be of free will.
I swear I am battling the same situation with my dd, and for a while there, I felt just like you. Finally, I changed my tactics and started making plans with my other dd, or H, or even by myself. It seemed that once dd18 saw that I wasn't just hanging around waiting for her to pay me some attention, she started to! For the most part she still wants to hang with me. She is still a PITA at times, but I'm adjusting to the letting her go part. I know that she will come back to me. Just as your dd will come back to you.
Remember that song, "Hold on loosely"? That's what I think I have to do with my dd. She needs her space to grow up and find her way, but she still needs her home base. So, I don't allowing myself to feel used or like a doormat by making her responsible for her own 'stuff'. My mother is sleeping in her room this week, and dd is pissed about it. She told me last night that she "can't do this". I ased, "Can't do what?" She said, "Can't give up my room to grandma"- Haha, I said, "No one asked you - you can either sleep with your sister, or on the floor in the living room, your choice" and laughed myself right out of the room. Like she's the queen or something! BTW, she slept with her sister, on the floor.
My advice is to stop sucking up to her and get busy making plans for yourself. I understand you miss spending time with her, but constantly asking her all the time isn't going to help. And when she complains about your not doing her laundry or cleaning up her mess, laugh her off. I can't tell you how surprised I am at how effective it's been!
From what I have read, kids who are getting ready to go to college are going through a lot of conflicting emotions and a lot of times they act really mean to their parents because they are actually nervous about cutting the cord and being on their own, so they try to pretend they don't need their parents. I went to college to a big school and lived there. It was only one hour from my home, so I knew I could go home basically any weekend and my freshman roommate was a good friend from high school, but I was still pretty nervous about being away from home at the beginning. A lot of her talk about wanting to be on her own could be her trying to convince herself that she can do it.
I think you should use the orientation as a way to bond w/ your DD because you will have that time on the drive to spend together. I assume that you are staying in a hotel because she will be in a dorm with the other freshman, and that there are some activities planned for the parents, and some for the kids. If there are any that are for both the parents and kids, I would definitely go to them with her even if she complains.
BTW, my DD is 17 and going to be a sr. in h.s. next year. She doesn't have a BF, but is always out w/ her friends. I know they have only been out of school about 2 weeks, but it seems longer. If she's not working her p.t. job, I hardly ever see her. Of course, I'm at work during the day, but I don't really expect her to be hanging around the house w/ me if she could be out w/ her friends. I know when I was a teen what I would rather be doing. On the other hand, I know what it feels like when you feel like a servant to the kids and I have said that many times "I'm not the maid." She does her own laundry so I don't feel like I'm doing that much particularly for her. Of course, I buy food for the family. I try to handle it more like a joke. Her curfew is midnight, since accd. to the law, she can't drive after that until she's 18. The other night, she was actually home early and I hugged her and said "It's so nice for you to be home while I'm still awake."
"I think you should use the orientation as a way to bond w/ your DD because you will have that time on the drive to spend together." I went with her. I love car time with my family but this was a little much even for me. What should have been a 4 1/2 hr drive took us 11. Unfortunately, there was a wreck on the interstate and we had a good 3 or 4 hours of time to do nothing. We studied, napped, chit chatted, etc. Then we got slowed down by rain, fog and my DD's poor map reading skills.
I don't really have a problem with DD being with her friends but I do have a problem with her lying to me about what she is doing. I also have a problem with her being with his family this much. Her b/f's mother is very untrustworthy and is really just off her rocker. But this isn't my main concern. My main concern is really her lying to me. I simply asked to go with them fishing and she told me they wanted to be alone but then his parents were with them. I do have a problem with this. I also have a problem with being used as a servant.
I've mentioned my concerns. She got an attitude. We both dropped it and we'll wait and see what happens. I won't do her laundry or much else for a while as I am behind in my classes and I don't have time to do her stuff to. So either she'll wear dirty clothes of she'll stay home some.