Am I Crazy!?!?! Need some input

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Am I Crazy!?!?! Need some input
17
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 11:13am

I have actually been thinking of allowing DD (almost 17) to have her bf18 stay in our downstairs family room for a few days. I have always felt protective of DD and her friends or bfs and end up trying to help these kids when they need it. I guess my house has always been the safe house. DH and I both like this bf very much. He is a great kid who dotes on DD and is a very responsible college student. My only complaint in the past has been that DD and bf are stuck together at the hip and that he practically lives at our house but I guess I have adjusted to that over the past year.

The short version of the story is that bf has divorced parents who had split custody so he would live at his Dad's during the week and his Mom's on the weekend. His father is remarried and has 2 small children and they are having financial difficulties so they are in the process of packing and moving into a smaller condo where there is no longer room for bf so he has been living solely with his mother for the past couple months. The mother's behavior can be quite irrational. The bf would make remarks now and again about his mother and her abuse but I always thought he was inflating the truth as most kids tend to do until I saw the mother in action myself which I posted on this board several weeks ago. My DD has not been allowed in her house since. And the mother now hates DD but the feeling is mutual so that doesn't bother DD too much. The problem is that the mother hits her son and my blood boils when he comes to my house after they have had an argument (usally about my DD cuz that seems to be the only subject bf will stand up to his mother about) and his cheeks are all red from her slapping him. And every time they get into a fight she throws him out of the house for several days and he usually crashes at his dad's which is where he is now but with the move going on he doesn't even have a bed or a couch to sleep on (he is too tall to fit on his Dad's couch) so he is sleeping on the floor with his bad back from a football injury. And he no longer has any clothes over his Dad's so he has been wearing the same clothes for the past few days cuz his mother won't let him come to the house. And he had to go to class unprepared this morning because his papers are on his computer at the mother's. He is such a good kid and he deserves better than this!! He was over our house last night and he seems so sad and lost. He told me that the only place he feels comfortable is at our house. He actually calls our house his home.

DH was going to let him stay at our house a few weeks ago so I don't think it would be a problem if I asked him but I still have some reservations about this. Even though bf would be sleeping downstairs and DD's bedroom is right next to mine it still bothers me to say that the bf is sleeping over our house even under these circumstances. Even though DD will be 17 soon she still is only 16. And you know once you do something with a teen it is expected all the time. Any opinions on this???

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2006
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 11:34am

If you trust your dd and her boyfriend (and you did say that he was a good kid, whom you liked), then IMO, yes, in a heartbeat, I would allow him to stay at my house for as long as was needed, or was allowed by his parents (or was acceptable to you and your dh).

Amelia

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 12:23pm

A concerned and caring person, yes. But crazy, I don't think so!

Given the circumstances, I'd probably be considering it too -- especially since bf's mother isn't a particularly genteel creature.

Before I made the offer, however, and after talking it over with DH, I'd sit DD and BF down and give them the rules, whatever you think is reasonable. For me, it would be schoolwork and grades must be maintained, chores, pt jobs, etc. Also, I'd reinforce curfew, even though it only means that bf is going to his room and DD to hers. They will need the space apart (even though you say he practically lives there anyway) and you and DH will not have to be so concerned about inappropriate activity.

How will you address the times they may be home alone together? Trust will be a huge part of this and whether or not they are sexually active at this point, or what your feelings are on the subject, the chances, likelihood and frequency will increase significantly if they are home alone often.

What will you expect from him re household chores, his laundry, meals, etc? He needs to know in advance what to expect.

Talk about a time-frame for how long he will stay with you. A week? month? Indefinitely? I think letting him know that he will need to find alternate living arrangements by a certain date or time -- if that's your plan.

Anyway, those are the only thoughts I have. I'm sure others will have better ideas. Good luck and keep us posted on what you decide and how it goes.

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 12:28pm

Are you crazy? Yes, you are. Congratulations, you can now join the rest of us!

I think that you have to keep in perspective here that you are thinking about doing this not for convenience or any other non-substantive reason, but for the safety of the child. And that, in my humble opinion, trumps all.

I would sit down with both your daughter and the bf and explain to them what you will be doing, why you are doing it, and what is expected of both of them. If you are worried about some sort of "get-together", you may want to also bring this up. From your post, it sounds as if both are mature young adults, so they can hopefully put aside the raging hormones and remember that this arrangement is only to help the bf get out of a potentially dangerous situation. And you may want to tell them that the arrangement can and will immediately end if any "hanky-panky" is going on. You get the drift.

You say that this will be only for a few days, but in anticipation of this arrangement lasting a little longer than you may expect, you may also want to broach the subject of chores...helping around the house, stuff like that.

By the way, have you considered calling CPS?

JMHO
Brba

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 1:20pm
I appreciate your comments. Very good suggestions hydrangea. Enforcing the curfew is an important issue for me. How do you keep these two apart when they are staying under the same roof but telling them in advance that they have to go to their respective corners right from the getgo at the usual hours should solve that problem - hopefully - because having your own space is so important. As to them being home alone, thankfully, my DH and I work different shifts so one of us is usually at home. And between DDs school, work schedule, skating schedule and bf's college schedule and work schedule I don't anticipate them having anymore alone time than they do now except in the middle of the night or on the weekends. Even though I do trust them they are only teenagers after all. Thanks again for your comments.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 2:54pm

wow!
Certifiably nuts!
Wish more people were this crazy.

I agree with the previous posts.
The discussion with the two of them will be important.
Stressing the fact that you are helping someone who really needs help.
And perhaps letting them know that if the boyfriend/girlfriend issue gets in the way, it will be a real slap in the face to your generosity.
You may also want to consider what the resolution will be for a suitable time frame.
Goodluck!
Let us know how it goes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 2:54pm

I agree that the bfs safety should take presidence. When he first told me that his mother hit him I interpreted that as spankings when he was a child. I never imagined that she still hit him and how often she did. He is such a big guy and his mother is tiny in comparison. I asked him once why he never just held her back because he obviously is strong enough to do so but he said he has never and will never lay a hand on her or any woman for that matter so he just takes it. I have considered calling someone and spoke to him about it. He said that child services were called before and she was investigated but she ended up having the investigation turn around on his dad. The dad was trying to get full custody but only ended up getting split custody. And now he is 18, a legal adult who can just stand up and walk away by his own choosing. But he is still just a kid trying to work his way through college and can't possibly afford to live on his own.

I think I am going to sit down with DH tonight and talk this through. Thank you for your comments and your suggestions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 3:44pm

You’re not crazy at all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2003
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 3:47pm

I think it's fine to have the bf stay given the situation. We've had our 18 yr old dd boyfriend stay over on different occasions, i.e. the weather was too bad to drive home, etc.

But keep in mind, that you're opening yourself to what could be a very volatile situation. Sooner or later, the bf is going to have to settle somewhere. And unless you want him permanently living with you, you may have to come up with some suggestions. Has he thought about taking out a student loan and living on campus? Or getting a roommate and living close to campus? What about a grandparent or sibling?

Even if you all like this boy, I'm not sure if having him a potential member of the family is what you want right now, especially given that your daughter is only 17. Their feelings could easily change for each other down the road.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 4:50pm
OK - I'm coming at this from someone who has BTDT and will never do it again.
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 5:54pm
Oh gosh Pam! Between this drama and Jason's illness, this last half of the year hasn't been much fun for you has it? Hoping things are looking up (and better) for you all.

 

 

 

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