Am I Crazy!?!?! Need some input

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Am I Crazy!?!?! Need some input
17
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 11:13am

I have actually been thinking of allowing DD (almost 17) to have her bf18 stay in our downstairs family room for a few days. I have always felt protective of DD and her friends or bfs and end up trying to help these kids when they need it. I guess my house has always been the safe house. DH and I both like this bf very much. He is a great kid who dotes on DD and is a very responsible college student. My only complaint in the past has been that DD and bf are stuck together at the hip and that he practically lives at our house but I guess I have adjusted to that over the past year.

The short version of the story is that bf has divorced parents who had split custody so he would live at his Dad's during the week and his Mom's on the weekend. His father is remarried and has 2 small children and they are having financial difficulties so they are in the process of packing and moving into a smaller condo where there is no longer room for bf so he has been living solely with his mother for the past couple months. The mother's behavior can be quite irrational. The bf would make remarks now and again about his mother and her abuse but I always thought he was inflating the truth as most kids tend to do until I saw the mother in action myself which I posted on this board several weeks ago. My DD has not been allowed in her house since. And the mother now hates DD but the feeling is mutual so that doesn't bother DD too much. The problem is that the mother hits her son and my blood boils when he comes to my house after they have had an argument (usally about my DD cuz that seems to be the only subject bf will stand up to his mother about) and his cheeks are all red from her slapping him. And every time they get into a fight she throws him out of the house for several days and he usually crashes at his dad's which is where he is now but with the move going on he doesn't even have a bed or a couch to sleep on (he is too tall to fit on his Dad's couch) so he is sleeping on the floor with his bad back from a football injury. And he no longer has any clothes over his Dad's so he has been wearing the same clothes for the past few days cuz his mother won't let him come to the house. And he had to go to class unprepared this morning because his papers are on his computer at the mother's. He is such a good kid and he deserves better than this!! He was over our house last night and he seems so sad and lost. He told me that the only place he feels comfortable is at our house. He actually calls our house his home.

DH was going to let him stay at our house a few weeks ago so I don't think it would be a problem if I asked him but I still have some reservations about this. Even though bf would be sleeping downstairs and DD's bedroom is right next to mine it still bothers me to say that the bf is sleeping over our house even under these circumstances. Even though DD will be 17 soon she still is only 16. And you know once you do something with a teen it is expected all the time. Any opinions on this???

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 7:35pm

I feel for the kid but he really isnt YOUR responsibility.

College kids get loans all the time and they cover living expenses, etc

I would be more inclined to offer to help in that regards-investigate, fill out the paperwork-maybe help him with dishes and linens when he finds a place.

But a lot of college kids are not living at home-I dont feel that there is 'a gap' you need to fill since he really isnt 'supposed' to be at home anyhow. I would feel differently if he was still in high school.

JMHO

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 8:56pm
I'm with chili and Pam. Don't do it. You are asking for a whole heap of trouble. The air mattress idea is a good one. He can sleep comfortably on the floor of his dad's house with it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 10:32pm

my son stays at his girlfriend's place almost every weekend. i am fine with it, and her parents are abviously fine with it...they have a spare bedroom and he is welsome to stay there whenever he likes...i look at it this way...if they wanna "do it" they are going to...it may not necessarily be when he is spending the night, but teenagers can be pretty darn resourceful when it comes to finding time to be alone...

btw: my son & is gf are 16 yrs old and have been together for 3 yrs

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 11:20pm

You all raise some good points for the other side of the coin.
Yet, if this were some sort of arrangement simply for convenience I would tend to agree.
My impression is this poor kid needs a temporary place while his dad is in the process of moving. Moms place doesn’t seem to be an option.
Keyword - temporary. As in a few days tops.
Anything longer than that may get complicated. A live in boyfriend changes the dynamic of the relationship regardless of the ground rules. Long term, it may be too much for a 16 yr old. They’re too young to “play house.” And 16 yr olds relationships don’t tend to last very long.
The last thing our crazy chillie needs is a live-in breakup! :-)
Just a couple more cents.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 11:32am
Thanks again for all your comments everyone. DH and I sat down last night and talked in length about the situation and we decided on the ground rules and temporary time limit. I spoke with DD and asked how she would feel having bf stay with us for a few days as a safe haven. She thought that was a good idea but only if it was temporary because she said she would feel a bit weird if he was actually living there. That made me feel a lot better because I must admit that in the back of my mind I was worried that they would take advantage of the sitaution and want to "play house". DH and I spoke with bf and he thanked us very much for caring and for the offer but he refused. His mother contacted him and said he could come back home if he bought her cigarettes. I almost started to cry at that point. I just don't understand how some people can be parents! It amazes me that this young man has some how turned out to be a decent, caring, hard working person with morales. But he knows that if he ever does need a place to crash that we are here for him. I guess that's all we can really do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 3:47pm

:-(

That makes my blood boil! Grrrrrrr. Good for you for "being there" for him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2005
Thu, 10-19-2006 - 7:50am

brba--->"you are thinking about doing this not for convenience or any other non-substantive reason, but for the safety of the child."

brba,

this is NOT a child. this is an 18yr old college student. an ADULT. time he get a job and pay for his own apartment. if she allows him to stay (i wouldn't do it) it should be with the understanding that getting a job and an apartment is part of the deal. actually i think they would be better off, if they can afford it, to loan him the money he needs to get an apartment right away.

a close friend of mine just recently made the poor decision to allow her 17yr old son's 18yr old gf to move in because her mom was moving out of state and didn't want the daughter to go with her. it lasted for 2 months before a typical teen romance blowout resulted in major drama and the girl was put on a bus.

just another example of the consequence of letting kids "be kids" for too long.

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