Am I doing the right thing?
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Am I doing the right thing?
| Mon, 01-30-2006 - 8:34pm |
Over the last six months or so my 14 year old daughter seems to have gone off the deep end! She got her first boyfriend this last summer before begining high school, and the relationship ended after just a few weeks. Scince them her life seemed to become focussed on getting him back. Her and her friends hang out with this boy daily at school, and her so called best friend actually 'acidently' had sex with him about a month ago. Last we he decided to honor my daughter and ask her out again, and she said yes!!
My daughter is an honor student, but in October I was called in to discuss her grades, as she was failing nearly everything. Then in December I discovered that she had begun to skip classes, and the grades fell from what she had recovered. In early Jan. I discovered that she was at it again, taking a full two weeks off some of them. To top it off we think she has been sneaking out at night and I'm not sure how to put my foot down on that one. I'm about 6 months pregnant and tend to fall asleep quickly once she has been put to bed.
She has been grounded scince the grade problem back in October, with very few reprieves for school events. In December she had her room boxed up with nothing but books, clothes and bed left in it, and in Jan she lost her stuff once again. After some hunting, I have finally managed to hook her up with a psychologist to talk to, hopefully today will be her first appt.
I'm planning on making a gyn appointment for her, which is something she REALLY doesn't want. While I'm doing my best to be sure that she doesn't have the chance to have sex with her sexually active boyfriend, I'm trying to be realistic and know that if she wants to do it, she will find a time and place especially if she is sneaking out at night.
Any advice, thoughts and ideas would be great, it's been a long and exhausting few months and I am worried that I am running out of energy to pull her back!
My daughter is an honor student, but in October I was called in to discuss her grades, as she was failing nearly everything. Then in December I discovered that she had begun to skip classes, and the grades fell from what she had recovered. In early Jan. I discovered that she was at it again, taking a full two weeks off some of them. To top it off we think she has been sneaking out at night and I'm not sure how to put my foot down on that one. I'm about 6 months pregnant and tend to fall asleep quickly once she has been put to bed.
She has been grounded scince the grade problem back in October, with very few reprieves for school events. In December she had her room boxed up with nothing but books, clothes and bed left in it, and in Jan she lost her stuff once again. After some hunting, I have finally managed to hook her up with a psychologist to talk to, hopefully today will be her first appt.
I'm planning on making a gyn appointment for her, which is something she REALLY doesn't want. While I'm doing my best to be sure that she doesn't have the chance to have sex with her sexually active boyfriend, I'm trying to be realistic and know that if she wants to do it, she will find a time and place especially if she is sneaking out at night.
Any advice, thoughts and ideas would be great, it's been a long and exhausting few months and I am worried that I am running out of energy to pull her back!

yes, you are doing the right thing. But there is one more piece. You need tighter communication with the school. I know you are exhausted, but perhaps she needs you to attend classes with her, to be sure that she's there and to be sure you understand the assignments. About a week of that will really turn her around! I'm not 110% sure about the gyn appt, going as far as a pelvic might be over the top, but at the same time, she's old enough, and frankly (I know this sounds crass) if she can spread her legs for a boy who will do anyone, she can do it for a doctor, too. That's not to say that she is, but she's definately on the path for that. She'd do anything to get him back, even take what is now her "best friends" sloppy seconds. I hope the psychologist you found can talk some sense into her. (((HUGS))) I know, you are a tired momma, keep plugging away, and try to get a nap while she is gone to school during the day. Also, maybe it's time for a security update on the house. Alarms on the doors and windows that go off when they are opened will certainly alert you to a restless sneaker.
O and if you don't want her to know you have alarms, that's even easier. We installed a motion detector on the front of our house that tells use when anyone is in the front yard (it's currently set too senstive, so it also tells us when cars go by on our side too close...) This doenst look like much, it's mounted up under the eaves and it's wireless. There is a reciever in the house that dings 3 times to tell us someone is out there. It can also be set up to have a light come on instead, or to have the dings and the light come one. This would tell you that she is out, saving you from having to listen for sliding windows and stuff.
Edited 1/31/2006 2:27 am ET by momtb4
What a tough time!
I'm glad to hear you're getting her to a psychologist. This sounds like a kiddo who has some serious issues she needs to talk about.
Can you do some contracting with her? - certain percent attendance or bring grades up = a trip to the mall, for example.
I would also insist on a homework review by you until grades come back up. I did this for a period of time last year (when there were a few missing assignments) and it helped. My dd didn't want to go over homework with me, she said it was babyish, but I said I'd stop when she showed she could get it all done without me checking.
Hang in there!!
Sue
It sounds to me like you're doing everything and anything you can think of to protect her from a situation she is too young and immature to handle, and that's something to be incredibly proud of. There are so many parents out there who ignore the signs and never take the bull by the you-know-what's and get control of the situation.
When I made the appt for my now 16dd to have a gyn appt, she wasn't happy. I explained to her that if she continues on the path she's on, she will most definitely need to be acquainted with a gyn DR....that comment opened up the conversation to discuss in depth things like premature sexual relations, BF's expectations, respecting your body, learning how to enjoy the closeness of making out with the option of saying NO when things went too far, keeping her body clean from STD's and avoiding pregnancy. That obviously is not a conversation you have only once.
Some people on this board have mentioned in the past installing some type of alarm system on windows and doors to notify you if your dd is sneaking out at night. I snuck out of my parent's house when I was 15/16. At first it was just to hang with my friends, but eventually it was to see my BF. I regret that now and wish my parents hadn't hid thier head in the sand and took more of an upper hand with me at the time.
Being pregnant through all this must be incredibly exhausting! Although your dd may not open up immediately with the counselor, it is a good start and hopefully the counselor is experienced enough to find ways to help your dd share what's going on. Also, request a meeting without dd so you can brainstorm with the new psychologist to help you come up with some good ideas and ways in which you can rein in your dd. I often met with my dd's counselor without my dd's knowledge so I could just kind of check in and make sure I'm doing the right things and that dd's okay. Just remember the counselor will not share everything your dd tells her unless it's life threatening...it's important for your dd's relationship to be one of confidentiality and trust and if dd feels that has been breached she will likely shut down.
I wish you the best of luck and let us know how things go!
First of all, I wouldn't force my DD to get on birth control. I would make it very clear that she should tell me if it's needed. Talk to her about the emotional and psychological consequences of sexual activity. She may appear to not be listening but if its about sex - she's listening.
If you can afford it, have an alarm system installed in your home so that if she opens a door or window after you've turned it on, you will know. This may sound extreme but it has proven to be a wonderful deterrent in my home.
When we had problems with grades and our DD, I literally called her teachers every Fri for a progress report. If she had missed or failed an assignment, she wasn't allowed out on the weekends until it was completed to my satisfaction. It didn't matter whether or not the teacher accepted the work. I made it very clear to my Dd that this was about learning the material. It didn't take her long to realize that if you kept up the work wasn't that hard. She's back to being a straight A honor student about to leave for college in the fall.
I also am not a huge fan of long groundings. I usually prefer to assign big chores - wash windows, clean garage, etc. DH or I do the chores with her and praise her on a job well done. Grounding just frustrates her and then she gets disrepectul and then grounded longer and it becomes a viscous cycle. Sometimes, I give her an option, you can stay home this weekend or you can do these chores. Sometimes, its both. But at least this way, she feels she has some control and the completion of the chores is a boost to her self-esteem. Sometimes, I "volunteer" us to do something pretty big at church or for her grandparents. She has settled down a lot over the past couple years and I honestly miss working with her on those things.
I think a psychologist is a good thing. I tried to get DD to go but she wouldn't so I went to an adolescent counselor myself. She helped me to see what my DD's thought processes were. She also offered suggestions for how to deal with her.
Good Luck!!!
It sounds like you're doing everything you can think of to keep your DD safe.
Two years ago(she was close to 14), I found out my DD had sneaked out AND had boys that came to her window late at night(she said they never came in, but I'll prob never really know). We couldn't afford an alarm system....I did what I usually do and reacted. DH nailed her screen in, so IF she were crazy enough to try it again, we'd know and I took her door of the hinges for about 2 days. Didn't take long for her entire attitude to turn around. I'm pretty strick about who/where she goes. I talk to parents... however, sometimes you can't even trust the parents (had one lie right to my face concerning my DD, talk about wanting to hurt someone!).
It's good your getting her to see a Gyn Dr. I don't believe the dr will be able to "tell" you anything (not real sure here), but if it were me, I'd talk to the dr before hand and let him/her know your concerns, then leave and let them talk. Maybe the Dr will scare her a little about the downsides of sex.
I've talked to my Dd till I'm blue in the face, and yet I never pass any chance to talk more. (I talk to her friends as well, w/ parents permission of course) Matter of fact, my DD's told me that her Last BF wanted more than the kisses she was willing to give and said to me,"and that's just to bad..I aint' sleepin w/ him"...My heart skipped a beat and all I could think was 'maybe me talking and talking and talking about it helped after all'.
When it comes to school, I like the idea of the PP that suggested you sitting in on her classes for a week or so. I've heard of parents doing that, and it's worked.
Good luck!!! These teen girls will try everything, stay strong and steady and you'll get throu it!
Sandy
I don't mean to ramble....I know what you're going threw.
"I think a psychologist is a good thing. I tried to get DD to go but she wouldn't so I went to an adolescent counselor myself. She helped me to see what my DD's thought processes were. She also offered suggestions for how to deal with her."
This is just brilliant! O boy I wish you'd have told me this sooner. It never occured to me to be the one to seek out help on my kids behalf. The things I learn here are gonna help so much when my next one is a teen!
Actually the suggestion that I see the adolescent counselor was my pastor's idea. Anytime I suggested counseling to DD, she would get defensive - she felt I thought something was "wrong" with her. I was exhausted from the sleepless nights and arguments and tears (both hers and mine). My pastor is in her 60's and raised 4 DD's of her own, 2 SDD's and is assisting with the granddaughters now so I figured she had probably experienced some of what I was going through and she had but she also realized that kids and some of their problems are different now. She even helped me find a counselor and it worked out so well. Although the counselor primarily treated teens, she was a counselor first and in addition to the suggestions and advice on how to deal with my teen, she also helped me handle the stress of my oldest DD moving across the country and she helped me work through some remaining issues from my DH's past drinking. She once stated that I probably felt like the whole family was in a canoe in the middle of the ocean and I had the ONLY paddle so we were just going in circles and whichever way the waves threw us. I imagine that's how you are feeling right about now. DH was and still is very supportive of working to help DD through her teen-age years but he can be a bit gruff at times and he just didn't seem to worry as much as I did.
If you are in a church, you might check with your pastor or youth worker to see if they can recommend a good counselor. You may also check with the school counselor. They have good resources as well.
Good Luck and please feel free to vent here.