Am I just jealous??
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Am I just jealous??
| Thu, 04-05-2007 - 11:04am |
DD 17 has been dating her bf for a year and a half and DH and I are ready to pull our hair out because DD seems to revolve her whole life around her bf. He doesn't seem to be controlling or demanding of her from what we can tell and yet she doesn't make a decision without discussing it with him first. She texts him as soon as she gets out of work to let him know she is on her way home. She then calls him as soon as she gets home. If we are out shopping together she'll text or call him when we are ready to leave and then I get aggrivated and our nice girl's day out ends in an argument. She acts like she can't live without him and needs to see him everyday and if she doesn't she is miserable and even has meltdowns! When DH and I stepped in and firmed up curfews to allow her more time to spend on school work they then started going to eachother's work or go out to lunch after she gets out of school just so they could see eachother everyday. That would be fine except she no longer makes any time for her friends or the things that used to interest her and I don't believe bf's and gf's should be going to eachother's work place. I've tried talking to her about this but she insists that she has just been busy and hasn't had time for anything.....but she makes time for him. And DH told both of them many times that they shouldn't be going to eachother's work because they are going to get eachother in trouble and it is very unprofessional. Well last night her car was in the shop so she needed a ride home from work - she wanted her bf to pick her up but I said no because it was a school night and it was too late and I didn't want her dilly dallying on the way home. Sure enough when I was pulling into the parking lot I saw her bf's car there and I was furious. He went there anyway to see her even after he knew how DH and I felt about him going to her workplace. I don't know if they are both obsessed or if this is normal in a teen relationship. I am concerned that she is losing her own identity, her own goals and her friends but then again maybe I'm just feeling bad because we never see her anymore but I'm really upset about this whole thing and I don't no what to say to her anymore. When we talk now it always turns into a huge blowup. Maybe I am just jealous. What do you think??

I can't say whether you or jealous or not, but I know in my case I am! Same scenario's - with the letting bf know every move - drives me absolutely insane! They don't have jobs yet, but they planned on working at the same place this summer. I put a stop to that - not a good idea AT ALL!
I finally had enough the other day and declared that since my time with her is limited to only driving her places and texting/cell phone use would end during that time.
DD is in the middle of one of those famous "meltdowns" right this moment. They had a snow day - we got a foot of snow over night *yuck* And my snowplow man didn't come. Today is dd and her bf's "anniversary" and they of course want to spend it together. I jokingly said I didn't think I could get my truck out of the driveway - which she took to mean, I couldn't get out of the driveway and she totally blew it out of proportion and in turn bf blew out of proportion. Between the 2 of them, I'm not budging. So now I have a pouty, miserable kid because it doesn't look like they will see each other today - oh well!
The few times dd has made plans with friends over the last 8 months - she is on the phone with him the whole time. She is at the point of obsession and I don't like it. I'm guessing it's somewhat normal, but it doesn't mean I have to like it?
Sorry, no advice whatsoever - just wanted to commisserate and wait for your replies!
First of all, I have to admit that I haven't had personal experience w/ this because our teen girls haven't had boyfriends yet. My first thought, though, is that you have to lighten up! The more you try to get them apart, the more they are going to be stuck together. If this is your DD's first serious BF, it's no wonder she is kind of obsessed. I can hardly remember back to the ancient years when I was a teenager and had my first BF, but since I'm in a 2nd marriage, I can remember what it was like to start dating my now DH since it was not that long ago. We were in our 40's and we would spend hours on the phone after the kids were in bed, we would email or IM every night, etc. We couldn't spend all our time together since we lived in diff. towns and had the responsibilities of work and taking care of our kids, but I just couldn't wait to see him when it was our night to be together. So maybe your DD & her BF are just in love and it's natural that they want to be together as much as possible. Sure, I know most teen romances don't last, but I also know some couples who met in high school, got married and are still together and I graduated in 1975.
You don't say anything about not liking this boy, so I assume he's ok. As far as going to each other's work, I would say keep out of it. If their supervisors don't want friends visiting them at work, they will say so. I never interfered w/ my DD's work stuff because I was not her boss. Even though she was always late to work, or at the very least, never got there 1 min. before, apparently her boss liked her enough to keep her on because she was a good worker when she was there, got "employee of the month," etc. So I guess it depends what kind of workplace they have. If they work in a store or fast food restaurant, maybe the boss doesn't mind friends stopping by if they are on break or taking for a few mins., as long as they are still doing their work.
I think that as long as she is keeping up w/ schoolwork, that is what you should focus on. Of course, you can set rules, such as no going out on a school night, etc. but they shouldn't be just to keep her away from the BF. I bet if you stop paying so much attn. to him, it won't be such a problem.
We had a similar problem (not quite as extreme but it could have gotten there quickly). I would very simply tell her that she is not to go out on school nights except to work or to a school or church activity. If boss doesn't care about b/f, then I wouldn't either. Any friends were always welcome at church (including b/f's). Those were always the rules at our home until DDs graduated high school.
Second rule was no phones until all homework was done (usually around 9 and all cell phones must be in mom's room at that time). All students (myself included had to be off the phone by 10:30 on weeknights.
During the summers, we had a rule that the family was to be together at least one night during the week. No visitors allowed, no cell phones, etc. Phone privileges were allowed after 9:00. We tried to make those fun nights - go bowling, movies, play cards, fish in our pond, cook dinner together, rent a movie, etc.
It was made very clear to DD's that these rules had nothing to do with them personally or their friends but everything to do with focus on family and schoolwork. Exceptions could be made in certain circumstances.
Youngest DD really didn't like some of these as they were implemented but she learned to accept them. She felt that these rules were too intrusive into her social life. But now, she realizes that these rules did just what they intended to do - keep her focused on school and family (at least part of the time).
I have a couple of friends that tried to tell her DDs that one night on the weekend could not include b/f. Worked pretty well for one girl but the other one just lied to mom and met up the b/f anyway. Sounds like that would be the outcome with your DD. It would have with my DD that's why I didn't try it. Although you might try to negotiate - start out with one night a weekend and come down one night a month.
You may have a pretty pouty young lady for a while but try to overlook it as she is having to adjust to major changes (at least in her eyes). Do not tolerate disrespect and yelling, etc but expect moodiness and sulleness as normal. Encourage her input into summer family nights. Once again, at first, you'll get I don't care - this is stupid.
I think some of your feelings may be jealousness but I also think you have some very valid points.
Good Luck!