Am I losing my mind?

Avatar for chyndra2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2003
Am I losing my mind?
14
Sat, 04-05-2003 - 11:19am
Hi everyone,

I have a beautiful, smart and talented 13 yr old daughter. She is hanging out with a new group of friends that I don't feel comfortable about..A few months ago she told me that these kids were really bad, problems at school, into smoking pot and cigarettes....now, she says none of it is true, and people just made up stories...

One of the girls, I really get a bad feeling about her..I don't know why.My daughter thinks she's great..Last night, these kids came to my house ( which I was happy about so I could see what they're up to..they behaved perfectly fine). They stayed until 11pm and I drove everybody home..Why none of these kids parents pick up their kids, I do not know. On my way to drop off the girl that I mentioned above ( the one I get a bad feeling about) , my dd said, no mom. she's sleeping over...her mom said yes.

Guess what, no one asked me! I felt so stupid, and upset that my dd didn't even bother asking me if it was okay for her friend to sleep over...apparently she asked my husband, who didn't bother to tell me. ( how nice )

So fine, we drove back home, I'm watching tv and I hear loud giggling upstairs- which is normal for a sleepover, but they were on the phone! I asked who they could possibly be speaking to at 11:30 pm, they said one of the boys that had been over..So I told my dd to get off the phone, since I really don't think 13yr olds should be on the phone at that time...She starts defying me with her friend smirking beside her..insisting that she's just talking and doing nothing wrong...I insisted she get off the phone, and she finally did.

So now I'm pretty upset that a) she's having a friend sleep over without my having been asked and b) she refuses to get off the phone even though I told her to. But, she did get off the phone, and said she understood that 11:30 pm is late.

Well, guess what? They called back whover they were talking to at 2:30 a.m.!!

Is this normal? Am I too strict? I was so mad I feel like grounding her for defying such a simple request - no phone calls after 11 pm.

She thinks I'm the meanest mother in the world.

Please help.


Pages

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-08-2003 - 12:09pm
Totally agree! I wouldn't even need to say a word; My 13/15 y/o dd's would already know they'd been cut off from phone for a week and sleep overs for a month! If she doesn't learn respect and consideration now, when will she? Jeesh~It's tough to be tough, but somebody's gotta do it!
Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Mon, 04-07-2003 - 7:19pm
Jjsmom is on the money. My kids would have been talking out of the other side of their heads if they EVER responded to me like that. The other day, my 19yo gave me that "It's nobody" when I asked who was on the phone. I told her that I asked a simple question, & I EXPECT a simple, CIVIL, answer. I wouldn't accept an answer like that from my HUSBAND! You don't like the rules? There's the door--don't let the doorknob hit ya. I have always been close to my dds, but I was (and still am) their PARENT, not their buddy. As a parent, you have to make the hard choices. You have to do things your kids don't like. That's OK. That's what a parent does. As kids get older, begin to detach, and want to express a self seperate from their parents, they WILL want more freedom & privacy. That's understandable, and they SHOULD be able to have privacy, as least as much as the situation & their level of maturity indicate. BUT and it's a big BUT, they should NOT disrespect you or any other person in the pursuit of that privacy. Because if they do, that PROVES they are NOT mature enough to handle increased freedom & privacy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-07-2003 - 4:51pm
ITA with this approach, unfortunately, I'm not always as strong as I should be. I really have to pick and choose my fights very carefully. I am a single mom and he is my only kid so the dynamics can be quite explosive sometimes. I usually get out of him who he is talking to, what he is up to, who he is hanging around with, sometimes without an argument, sometimes with the threat that he can't go where he wants to go unless I know who he is with. But man, he is tiring some times. The latest phrase that I absolutley abhore and punished him for is "Get over it." Oy, that drives me up a wall.

E

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 04-07-2003 - 1:41pm
No my kids don't talk to me that way and if they did they would lose phone and friend privileges so quick their head would spin. Sounds like your dd might need a refresher course in treating her parents with respect!

Pam



Photobucket
Avatar for chyndra2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2003
Mon, 04-07-2003 - 11:48am
Thank you to all who replied - I was really beginning to second-guess myself as to whether or not I overreact at times, all she tells me is how mean I am - my dd is really headstrong and it is so hard to get her to listen..So, often, when I ask her something, or ask her to do something, and get zero response, I DO get upset !

I have talked to her, what her limits are, what the consequences will be, etc.She just nods her head in a very patronizing way as if I have a problem.(Sure Mom, okay Mom).She intentionally withholds info from me, and it really drives me nuts. ex: If I ask who was that on the phone, her reply is "no one" or "it really doesn't concern you". If I ask her what her new friend's last name is , her reply is "I don't know". (but ofcourse, she does know). Do your kids do this also?

By the way, I'm so glad I found this board...Chyndra

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-07-2003 - 9:19am
My 13 year old ds also gets openly brazen in front of his friends, or after hanging out with them for a while. I can still ground him (he does listen to me still) or withhold his allowance. I really would like to lock him away until he is 30, but I guess that's not a viable option. Hang in there. You're in good company here on this board.

Ellen

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2003
Mon, 04-07-2003 - 7:33am
Actually, she has never openly left the house after I've told her she couldn't. She has threatened to do that saying "so-and-so just leaves when her mom says no. I could do that too if you won't let me." Sometimes I just give in and take her there myself.

The ex-stepdad has been warned by the school because I complained about it. His stepdaughter is not supposed to be with him either, but her mom is real sick and isinvolved in an extensive custody matter with 2 sets of triplets! So she lets her ex take care of her a lot. I wish she would get sent to a foster home so my daughter Can't be around her anymore!

I amlucky as I get out of work at 3 and school is out at 2:50. But 9 times out of 10, she's not where I said I'd pick her up then she'll call and say she rode home with whoever and will be home whenever I say usually. Most likely, she will call just before she's supposed to be home and give another excuse for staying later.

You're right that I'm going to have to be a prison warden, but oh am I dreading it! I have an 11-yo stepson I've had since he was one, a 10-yo sd, a 9-yr daughter and a 2 year old son! OUr house is a domino effect house--when one is grumpy the whole house turns grumpy!

The most important thing is I have to stick to making her stay home and inviting these friends over I think, but it is very hard to do with so many kids! My 10-yo SD has been having sex with her older brother at her moms and it has been a battle keeping her mom from bringing that little perv with her when she comes to visit. She has been coming all the way to our house (3 hours) to visit but she keeps bring that little perv with her! And then she has the kids lie and say he wasn't with them! So that in itself has been emotionally hard, don't know how long I can stick to it with my daughter! Her real dad doesn't help much, my husband has been more of a dad! Her dad is selfish and they openly talk about how trashy my dd's friends are and their moms being sl_ts, etc. They don't let any of my dds friends go to their house at all. They think they steal, which they have never done to me and I've tested them before by leaving stuff out in the open. But they've only been her a couple times.

Thanks for the opportunity to vent and hear some advice. It's all up to me I guess to stick to what I say and not give in because of a tantrum.

The officer who picked her up at her friends said all I need to do is go to juvenile court and file for a petition which says where and when she may be, and if she violates they will pick her up. But all her friends are already dealing with this and I think they all think it's a big joke and is funny. He also said a military school around here would be a good deterrent, they would take her after so many violations! Do I go to that extreme?!?! I would't want to I don't think!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Sun, 04-06-2003 - 5:33pm
WoW you have a lot going on! Elc has some good advice for you! As I said before We have a great group here with lots of experience. Welcome you to the board! Please feel free to post as often as you like we are always here with a warm shoulder.

Lisa

aka soopermum62

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Sun, 04-06-2003 - 5:26pm
NO you are not losing your mind! Welcome to the wonderful World of Teens!

Welcome to the board, We have a wonderful group here with lots of experience.

Hang in there and please post as often as you like!

Lisa

aka soopermum62

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Sat, 04-05-2003 - 9:30pm
Wow--your situation is a lot more extreme than chyndra2002's and needs different advice!

When is your dd taking off? After school while you are at work? Does she defy you and leave the house when you are there telling her she cannot go out?

Is there someone that can watch your dd afterschool, pick her up from school and supervise her until you are available?

I think the ex-stepdad needs to be told that he shouldn't give your dd rides anywhere without your expressed permission. You should talk to your local police to see what they can and will do in terms of other adults giving rides without your permission, if you report her as a runaway, when/if police will pick her up, etc.

Keeping your dd apart from these kids can change things. We went through something like this and we were able to turn it around but it did take me being practically a prison warden for several months.

Here is the link to the Troubled Teens board, they can give you good advice because they have all been through things like this:

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-pstroubled

Good luck, let us know how it is going. And, welcome to the board!

Pages