Am I Making a Mistake?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2003
Am I Making a Mistake?
6
Tue, 07-04-2006 - 11:15am

Hi Everyone

Been awhile since I posted. I think most of the regulars know the saga with my 17 year old DS (quit school in February with only 1/2 a semester to go), depression, self-esteem issues, girlfriend issues, no job, etc.

Well, just as an update, he is still at home not doing much, although he is doing a paper route with a friend whose mom has a few and they are paying him a bit to help. He said he's up playing video games late anyway so might as well do the papers with them at 3 am. I'm just happy he's doing something.

He just got his driver's license last week and was so excited. Right after that he said do you think the video store will hire me now even though I'm 2 weeks short of my 18th birthday? I said I didnt know and he should phone. He did and they said he has to be 18 (due to the R rated movies) but to come back and see them when he's 18. So at least he's showing an initiative to get a job and I think getting his driver's license really boosted his self-esteem.

We live in a very small town, about 15 minutes away from a big city, and there really isnt much in our town for work. He said if he had a car to get to and from the city he'd have more opportunity and it would be easier. I said for his 18th birthday I'd buy him a cheap beater car, register it and put insurance on it for a few months. After that its all up to him for gas, the remainder of insurance etc. I also gave him the deadline date of July 23 to have a job or he can move out - whether he sleeps in his car or whatever - he has to be working or he is gone (I know easier said than done but I am very serious). I remind him of this date weekly and its fast approaching. Why July 23? Because its the Sunday right after his 18th b-day which gives him a week to find a job (he says there is more opportunity for him when he's 18).

My husband does not agree with any of what I'm doing. He says he's lazy and should find the job first before we get him any type of car. I say he needs the car to look for work. I asked my husband if he's willing to drive him to and from the city to job interviews etc. and of course he isnt. I've been down that road before, driving him to and from a Burger King job he had when he was 14 and it was a nightmare (of course it was all me doing the driving - husband did NONE of it). I figure it will be his b-day present and the last of the help I'm giving him for quite some time. He will have no excuses after this. Anyway, husband finally relented and said he'd help with the car hunt and for some of the cost of the car (I'm footing the bill out of my own money for most of it) but is still against it. Hopefully we'll have a decent vehicle for him and he can begin his search.

What do most of you think? Am I making a mistake by doing this for my son?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-04-2006 - 11:54am

<<>>

We appear to have the same husband!

For that reason, I am in support of your choice. I know it doesn't SOUND right when you are just throwing it around in your mind but when you start talking the day to day nitty gritty.....OK, he has job now-how does he get there?

Mine could have ridden a bike, I suppose, but he got off late at night and the only way to get from the grocery store to our home involved going over a narrow overpass, complete with hill. I HATE going over it when there are bikers;its tight and you cant move over because you cant see oncoming! And a slightly inebriated driver headed home from a night of drinking-yikes!!!

I wasnt willing to put myself through that worry every night! And yes, driving him back and forth when his license was suspended for speeding fell 99% to me and was a MAJOR inconvenience

I think it's okay to consider US when we look for the 'best' for them

As long as the title is in YOUR name, its YOUR car and you now have leverage. Not to mention what you see as a good teen car is likely what everyone sees as a good teen car-you can surely sell it if need be

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2005
Tue, 07-04-2006 - 12:07pm
Is it possible that you are married to my ex-husband? Been there done that - still doing that! I think he has to have the car to find the job. And if you and hubby are both working, then he'll need it to get back and forth from work too. Your idea of a date certain is a good one. My only question is, do you think 1 week is enough time for him to find a job? I would perhaps consider giving him until Labor Day but you know the situation better than I do. I applaud your backbone and think you're doing the right thing. You are not enabling him to be lazy and unproductive - something he'll thank you for someday - but probably not until he's 30 or so! Hang in there!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Tue, 07-04-2006 - 12:10pm

I agree with your helping to buy him a car. We also live out of the city and it is extremely difficult on parents of teens that don't drive. I'm not sure about giving him only one week to get a job before kicking him out. I think a little more time would be in order - I know you are tired of this (and I would be too) but finding a job in a week is tough. I think maybe if you offered to give him $X every couple of days while he was actively looking for jobs would be appropriate. I would keep it at a minimal amount so that he didn't have money for gas for running around, going to movies, eating out, etc. Once he gets that car, he will have more incentive to earn money b/c he will actually be able to go places to spend it.

Good Luck and I hope it all works out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2003
Tue, 07-04-2006 - 12:19pm
Where we live there is definitely NO shortage of jobs. Actually a lot of businesses are shutting down because they can't find staff to work. There is even recruitment in the construction industry from out of the country to bring in workers (we live in Alberta, Canada) so a week really wont be an issue to find work. He's just really picky. I told him to start looking in the papers and sending in applications now - not wait until the last minute. So I dont really think a week is unreasonable at this stage but I guess we'll see.
Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-05-2006 - 10:11am

Hi tamarahar, I'd probably do the same for my dd. We did make it mandatory for 18dd that if she wanted help with getting or keeping a car on the road, she is required to work at all times. She has never quit a job without having another lined up and she's only had 3 jobs. However, and this is a big HOWEVER, dd18 is my responsible one...and she likes having money. So, for her the incentive is a natural in-born trademark.

My 16dd sounds a little more like your son. She will be 17 in October and she still hasn't gotten her permit to drive. She took the test twice and failed...because she said she didn't "need" to read the handbook! She said, "I know how to drive". We explained that 'knowing how to drive' and understanding the 'rules' of driving are two different things and we will not be paying for her to take the test again if she doesn't read the book. Well, it's been 9 months and she's finally reading the book!

I like the idea of creating incentives for your son. I think it's important for him to learn and understand that if he wants or expects your help and support, then he has to do something for it, work for it, as well. Personally, I'd be all over the "up till 3 AM playing video games", but I have a real dislike for all that crap. I think it's addictive behavior for anyone to spend more than an hour playing video games or wasting time on line, etc. Any chance you can use that as an angle to get him on a regular schedule...you know: sleep at night, up during the daytime? You know, "the early bird catches the worm" and all that? That's been a real battle with my dd...she'll stay up all night drawing or writing and then sleep till noon. Well, she starts summer classes tomorrow so she'll be back on her school schedule. She has a job lined up for the end of July when summer school is over, but its only 12 hours a week so her days will be pretty much spent hanging around the house or coming to work with me to help me with filing.

I feel for you - I know what you're dealing with and if you can find a way to help your son get on the right path then do it. The worst that can happen is that it doesn't work and you can always take the car off the road if he reneges on his end of the tdeal.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 07-07-2006 - 5:47am

hi tamara and hugs...

I have been following your saga with your son --- as you know, i am going thru difficulties with my son as well.

At this point - i think you should buy the car but keep it in your name and I think you should stick to the date you set . your issues with your son ahve been going on long enuf and i think that it is time to set some clear boundaries. its not like he is lying in bed depressed all day - he DOES have the wherewithital to do what he wants to do. normally - i wouldn't agree that you sould buy him a car - but in this case, its the only way for him to get to work on a steady basis. and the most important things right now is to get him on some kind of 'normal' track - such as work, school, volunterring, etc.

let him START. once he does, and things are going along ok, you can renegotiate - but not before.

good luck, and keep us posted