Am I a terrible mother?
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Am I a terrible mother?
| Fri, 02-09-2007 - 1:47pm |
As I sit here at work, tears rolling down my face, I wonder. What am I doing wrong as a mother? My son is in 8th grade; smart, athletic, and very popular. His grades can be great...key word can. Typically, he is a 3.5 student. Lately, it has been a constant battle in our house for him to take the extra effort. He waits until the last minutes to do his homework, does minimal effort to study for test, and does the least amount possible on his assignments. I've talked to him countless times about taking the road less traveled, make the extra effort, take pride in your self and your work, and that I believe in him. His social time comes first in his life, hanging out with friends is the absolute most important thing to him. So last night, I found out he is getting a D+ in his honors science class. At the beginning of the semester, we had a conversation that he needs to maintain a B or better in his classes or he doesn't get to hang out with friends until that is achieved. So, this morning I reiterated that he needs to be accountable for his grade and take care of it, until then he's grounded. He sent me a ext, "I hate you". Wow. He's never said that to me before. It's really tearing me up inside. I love my son more that anything! How can I get him to care about school, make the effort, and be accountable for his actions? I feel like I am losing our connection to one another. It makes me sad. Help!

Please don't let his "I hate you" words tear you up so bad! He may think he means it when he says it, but I assure you - he doesn't REALLY mean it. Pam is right. It is the hormonal age that they are in and it does get better. If your ds is in 8th grade, he may be just at the beginning stages of "pulling away" and I think all of us moms here have been through that or are currently going through something similar. No, you are NOT a bad parent! Hang around this board for awhile and you will see that we are all in this "teen-age" thing together! Sending warm {{{hugs}}} your way!
Amelia (mom of a dd, 15, who told me last night that she hated me and told me this afternoon that she loved me!)
I'm in the same situation with my 16 yr old daughter. Freshman year she got a 3.61 and the first semester this year she got 2.30. So we took driving privelages away and are limiting her cell phone use. If the progress reports for this 6 weeks of the new semester are above 3.0 we'll give back the driving.
Many of us are in the same boat. We think we are doing something wrong, when I think it is the kid's responsiblility to do his/her schoolwork. We've expressed that and told our dd we'd help in any way we can, like getting her a tutor or some other help. I think it's just laziness. She used to come home from school and go on the internet. Homework would be done right before bed or she'd say she didn't have any. Well look at how that turned out last semester. Now she does homework before TV or internet and the cell phone is turned of by 9:00 pm.
As for the "I hate you", well I get that too. We can always come here for support.
Hugs!
Linda
There's a first time for everything and yes you now have heard your first "I hate you". Shortly you may hear a "nobody understands me". You have a boy so likely it won't be followed up by stomping to his room followed by a loud door slam but there will be equivalent dramatics, for sure.
Of course he doesn't "hate you" but he does hate that he is being punished. That is just natural. It wouldn't be a punishment if he didn't care.
If he is bright then keep at him for his grades and let him know that socializing is okay but it has to be backed up by some solid work and effort. Remind him that in 5 years he may only be socializing with fry cooks and parking attendants if he doesn't get his act together and that any girl who is worth it eventually prefers a man who is confident and successful...
Well said!
I'm not sure how often I've heard "I hate you" in the past 10 years - probably a thousand times?? When you have 4 kids, you hear it often. Don't let it get to you, DS doesn't know what he wants or how he feels. Next week he might think you're the greatest - that's just the way life is with those young teens. I promise you, it WILL get better! I don't think I've heard "I hate you" for about 3 weeks now - but then again, my baby girl is 15 1/2, in love, and riding the high of young love. Haven't heard it from my oldest 2 in years and years - but then again, they are 22. In fact, they're more likely now to say "I love you mom" at the end of the phone call now than ever. Hang in there - if I lived thru bad grades, rolling eyes, and "I hate you" from 4 kids at the same time, you can too. Another little secret - when your DS moves out of the house in 5 or 6 years, you're really going to wish for these days back.
Rose
Chiming in late in the day with a hug. My guess is he texted "I hate you" out of anger and knew it would be one thing sure to get you upset. Once both of you have a chance to calm down, give him some specific goals so he knows he can earn his way out of grounding.
On another part of your post. I think others have commented on this with their kids - 8th grade is a b**ch! My daughter is an excellent student (phew!), but 8th grade was not great. All of her teachers were "dumb" and "mean" (all of them? what a bad school lolol), all the work was "unfair". I guess it must be developmental since others have posted about it. It's a transition (7, 8th grade) between elementary when everything was clear and specific, and HS where you have to take more responsibility for your work. They want that independence but it's scary too, and they don't yet have the skills to manage it. My DD was totally thrown by the increased expectations, with no one telling them exactly what to do, they had to figure it out.
HOpe by now that you and your son have had a chance to talk about this. FWIW, if your son NEVER got mad at you, ever, that would probably mean you were too lenient, and *that* is a bad mother.
((HUGS))
Sue
Sue,
Thank you so much for your kind words. We did have a chance to talk over the weekend. I don't have any more "answers" on how to handle those tough moments, but atleast I am not alone in the land of 8th grade boys.
Thanks again,
Candy