Am I wrong?
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| Sat, 07-01-2006 - 2:13pm |
I have an 18 yo dd w/ a history of several infractions. Drunk on spring break as freshman and getting in car w/ strange guys, running away w/ boyfriend in our car at 15, couple of more drunk episodes, and most recently at 18 arrested for shoplifting - nothing big - a $7 item - for which she had more than enough $$ to pay for - had already bought over $150. She did this with another girl. She called her b/f who in turn called us - bottom line - she went to jail, we had to bail her out, pay for a lawyer at $2500 and are scheduled to go to court in a couple of weeks.
After the shoplifting incident, and on lawyers' advice, she did not take her senior spring break trip. But her b/f invited her to go to beach w/ him and his family. Since then she had another drinking incident that could have created more trouble for her. Lawyer has said she has got to stay out of trouble until this is resolved - otherwise the charge will definitely go on her record along with whatever other charge she got stopped for - driving with a busted tail light, in a group of underaged drinkers that gets busted - even if she is not one of the ones drinking, etc. Immediately after the shoplifting incident she was very sorry, scared, regretful, and so on. But - lately it just seems she has brushed it under the table. She had to do community service and it was like pulling teeth to get her moving on getting that done.
Current question - she wanted to take a trip for the week-end of July 4th to the beach with her b/f and some other friends. I said no. Dad was kind of on the fence. Bottomline we decided she should not go given all the circumstances. I also did not like the idea of her staying in a condo with her b/f. I know she is 18 and in a couple of months she is going to be hundreds of miles away on her own in college and I am not going to be able to control her or what she does. I just want to teach values, self-respect, morals,and I keep hoping something I say will sink in. Anyway - when she was told no she went into histeria, stormed out - but this is typical of her behavior when she is told no. We are very concerned about all this for obvious reasons but also because she has received a full-athletic college scholarship - and that could be lost if her situation is found out or if she gets in more trouble. What makes this so hard is the fact that she is 18 - a legal adult. It was easier when she was a minor. Now she reminds us often that she is 18, that she has learned her lesson, she is not going to do anything stupid, if she makes mistakes they are hers to make and on and on. I feel sick - because with each of her tirades I am constantly second guessing myself and if I am doing the right thing. I am afraid now of completely pushing her away.
Throughout her childhood I have given her so much - probably more than I should have. And she has not always been so problematic, rude, disrespectful and so on. I am very hurt and scared and confused. Any thoughts, ideas, suggestions, would be helpful.

There comes a time in every parent's life when they have to bite the bullet and let go.
Rose -
I appreciate your feedback. My concern is that if my dd lost her scholarship, her attitude would be that of a similar teen mentioned in another post - "I can't get it right so why bother trying." I could see her blowing off college all together, getting married too young, and living a life that, at the age of 30, she will regret. Happened to my younger sister at 19. She is now 38, a single mom and having a tough time making it. To her credit, she has finally gotten herself together and just finished college. But she lost her youth and 17 years of her life, basically. And - like I have heard other children say of their parents when they were much older 'why were you not there for me, guiding me' - bascially protecting me from my own ignorance.
You are facing a fine line and it is a difficult one to walk. I probably wouldn't have let my 18 y/o dd go either (especially given your dd's recent problems). However, Rose is right, once they reach adulthood they have to make their own decisions and learn about consequences. I think the ideal response to this would have been "it's your decision but you are going to hear my concerns and I ask that you give it some serious thought." With my dd this would have worked. She probably would have not gone, especially if she was faced with the possibility of loosing a scholarship but she might would have gone - who knows.
This is a difficult age. I wish you the best.
I would agree with the others about letting her make her own decisions IF this shoplifting charge and upcoming court date were not looming. But it is there, and it doesn't sound like she is taking this as seriously as she ought to. Does she understand that if it stays on her record it could affect her ability to get some jobs and/or pursue some career paths? Maybe the lawyer should spell out a worst-case scenario for her?
When she goes into her "I'm 18 and an adult" thing I think I would sit her down and calmly tell her that for you to believe that she has learned her lesson etc that she needs to start showing it in her everyday actions with you. That she needs to behave like a model citizen until the court case is resolved. That she needs to act like more of an adult and stop throwing tantrums when she doesn't get her way (if she works, ask her how often she or her co-workers scream at the boss etc when they don't get time off or whatever they requested, and what does she think would happen if she did scream at her boss). After the court date you can reevaluate how much freedom she gets until she leaves for college. The alternative is that she reimburse you the $2500 lawyer fee and go do whatever she wants and take her chances with how things turn out. Remind her that the point of getting the lawyer was to improve her chances of getting the charge expunged, otherwise you would have saved the money, so why is she risking undoing the lawyer's work? Most likely she cannot afford to reimburse you; IMO she is indebted to you big time, not all parents could or would pay those lawyer fees. (personally I would have her reimburse me at least part of it anyway)
My basic line for the "I'm an adult" whine is that "if you can afford to support yourself then go do it, but if you want me to support you then you need to follow some basic rules. The more you show me that you are a responsible contributing adult member of the household the more you will be treated like one".
As far as teaching morals etc, you have done your job. By 18 the foundation is there and she will choose if and when to live according to what she was taught. You can still state your opinion and show by example but IMO she is old enough to make those choices. I believe that the majority of people end up living the values they were taught but may first go through a period in which they seem to have discarded their parents' values.
Same thing about the scholarship; she earned it and it is hers to lose. If she loses it and decides not to attend college that is her choice. You can be disappointed but must accept that she is living her own life based on her own decisions. You can never tell how a person's life will turn out anyway; she could get a degree and still end up a struggling single parent, or not attend college and end up with a happy successful life. Much of it will be based on her own decisions, which parents of adults have to accept.
I think that part of the key to "letting go" lies in a feeling that we have done *the best that we could* in raising our kids. (not a perfect job, just the best that we could under the circumstances, accepting that as humans we made some mistakes) I'm not sure how we achieve that peace but when we do then it is easier to let go and let our kids make their choices and mistakes and have successes. We will always have concerns and worries about them but we can stop feeling like we have to *do* something about/for them.
JMHO. Hope something here helps. And hang on to your hat when she heads to college!
Thanks for your words elc11 - and others. I probably relate mostly with what you have said - and many of the things you have mentioned I have done or have thought of. I like the idea of showing her that right now she is indepted to us with the $2500 lawyer fee. (We have said she is going to have to repay us - but even though she works - there is not enough to pay us back any time in the near future. I might set up some alternatives where she will be obligated for only half).
BTW - yesterday she asked if she could go if she went with her girlfriends instead of her b/f - I had a problem w/ her staying in a condo with her b/f too - although I know that kind of stuff is out of my control. But after she asked us, my dh and I talked and came to the same conclusion. The core issue here is the looming legal charge. We are fighting for her - she has done little in this fight - to get this expounged. Because, as you said, it is more than just a college scholarship at risk here. Also - as a teen counselor explained to me - my dh and have taken on this burden for her - she has done little to pay the price - we are bearing it all. At first she was very scared and remorseful and embarrased. Now we took the monkey off her back and put it on ours. I think I will talk to her re: the upcoming case, lawyer situation, etc. I will explain to her that once this is resolved she will be given freedom to make her own choices and hopefully will show responsibile, adult-like 18 yo behavior - (I have told her on numerous occassions 'if you want to be treated like an adult, you have to start acting like one). Her choices will be her choices and she will bear full responsibility for them.
IMHO, the more you try to fix things for her, the more she is going to expect you to do so.
My now 18 year old borrowed his 20 yr old brothers ID about a year ago and was caught with it. It went to court and he ended up with community service and a small fine.
The actual court appearance made an impression on him-has that happened to your dd yet? Im not going to tell you he has been 'perfect' but he seemed to grasp that any further trouble he got himself into would be seen in a harsher light AND this case would reopen.
The actual court and sentencing-going to the department to meet with the person who would be overseeing him-being around people he would prefer not to identify with....it made a difference. He seemed to get that it wasn't some 'cool game'.
And, honestly, once they're out of that actual high school environment, I think it helps too! Boys who got in trouble in high school were seen as cool and quite attractive to the girls. There may be some of that at college but I suspect not as much
As to whether you did the right thing....I know I would be torn. It would have been tempting to think "OK, if she screws up in two months it will be on HER head but, by golly, this is my last hurrah and she's not screwing up on MY watch!" Somewhat silly, but human!!!! :)
Thanks for sharing. I appreciate hearing others' stories and advice.
The day it happened had an enormous impact on my dd. She was taken out of the store in handcuffs and sat in the local jail with other criminals for several hours. The whole process of getting her booked, paying bail, etc. took a long time and it was 4 AM when we finally got her out. That scared and humiliated her. And like I said - she was very upset for sometime after. This happened in March. But as time has passed, she seems to have become less concerned and is more concerned with having a good time now that she has graduated, than remembering what happened and everything the lawyer and we have warned her about.
My dh and I, along with the other girl's parents, went back to the store where it happened and met with the manager to see if he would consider dropping the charges given the fact that it was a $7 item, her first time, etc. But according to him it was out of his hands. It just so happens that where we live, the laws and the police are very strict and stern on these offenses and while in other places you may get a slap on the wrist - here you are prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. I also learned from one of the lawyers we interviewed - because this lawyer requested a private conversation with dd - that the idea to shoplift was the other girl's. My dd would not tell me that. Also - this was the first time she had gone or done anything with this girl. I also learned that store security actually caught the other girl on camera, but did not catch dd. When they stopped the other girl and dd was with her, they told dd she could come with her friend if she wanted to. Of course, dd was not going to leave her. During the questioning one of the security officers asked my dd "Did you take anything? You might as well tell us because we are going to go through your bags anyway and if we catch you with something, it could be a lot worse." Of course - they had not right to go through her bags, but she did not know that. And the lawyers told us because it was store security and not the police, we did not have any defense because of the way it was handled.
We searched for a lawyer - interviewed 3 and went with one who seemed to be the most in the know and seemed confident he could get it expunged. She did have to do community service, had to take a shoplifting class, get 2 letters from people who would comment on her integrity, a copy of her high school transcript, and copies of letters from colleges who had accepted her. If she gets caught in the wrong place at the wrong time, even if she gets pulled for a busted tail light before this is resolved, the shoplifting charge will automatically go on her record, and she could also face jail time. So - my feeling was basically what another reader posted - I have invested $2500 plus other expenses - shoplifting class, etc. - and I am not willing to take a chance of throwing that all away so she can have a few days at the beach with her friends. Right now her 'adult-self' is indebted to us. Her court date is coming up in another 9 days. Once this is resolved - she will be given her freedom back and the freedom to mess up again if she so chooses. The difference this time, is that she, as an adult - which she likes to remind me of - will get her ownself out of any situation she chooses to put herself in.