Am I wrong to say no?
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| Wed, 02-15-2006 - 1:55pm |
This seems like such a stupid thing. But I have to ask...
DD is a 15-year-old-sophomore. She hasn't been on a "real" date. Although we have allowed her to go to school dances and social outings with groups of friends. She went to homecoming with a young man from her class. She has been to a couple of parties, but unless we know the parents, we haven't allowed her to go (and she hasn't asked).
The "Sadie Hawkins" dance is coming up this weekend. She asked a boy she has been "smittened" with for a long time. He accepted the invitation, we bought a dress and shoes. She was so excited.
Yesterday, she came home to tell us that instead of going to the dance, he is having a party at his house, which she will be attending. We said, "no".
We said, "no", because, we told her she could go to a school dance, which didn't include a party. She also didn't ask...she told us. We don't know who will be at the party, or why this boy planned to have people over after she asked him to go to the dance. We think it was rude, and inconsideriate of him to expect that this would be OK with her and with us.
Of course, she is only interested in spending time with him...she doesn't care, where. I am second guessing myself because I don't have a real firm or even good reason for my response to her. The boy is a nice kid, but I just can't get past the idea that he made other plans after accepting her invitation.
Am I wrong?
Julie

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It has been my experience with my 15 yo son, that what you are seeing is quite common. Unfortunately, if boy is hosting party, then my suggestion won't work in your case (although, I have an idea), but here goes.
My son has gone to homecoming and the 'winter sports' dance. He leavs early (with us knowing what's going on) and attends an 'after party'. They have been fine, supervised, etc.........I was going to say, maybe you could stipulate she could attend the 'after party' for an hour or so after leaving the dance. But if her date is hosting the party, that won't work, so maybe she could go to the dance 'stag' with her girlfriends or a group of people, then be allowed to go to boyfriends party as an after party for an hour or two after leaving the dance?
My father would NOT allow me under any circumstances change my plans. If I asked to do something specific on Monday night for the upcoming weekend.......then mid-week the plans changed, that was tough luck. I couldn't go. I always thought that was too strict and inflexible. Kids change plans more often then they change clothes..........and personally, I think major flexibility is the key---knowing what your DD is doing, who she is with, and if it is supervised by adults is far more important than WHAT they are doing.....who cares if it is a movie, or a last minute get togther?
As far as the 'telling' rather than asking, again a common teenage issue. I'd bet MONEY that if you asked her she'd tell you that she did ask.......... Again, it is one of those parental things where you must make the choice to let some stuff slide or not. My DH wants to punish for every imaginable infraction---he's so fed up w/the teenage crap (sorry for the language) that we see that he can't see straight. I on the other hand allow alot to go unchallenged (eye rolling, not so nice attitude, etc.....) My dh just is so frustrated, that he wants to try to 'fix' the behavior rather than see that it truly TRULY is how many and most teens behave..........he's not willing to see that our son is just a regular teenager..........so it depends on your personal value system, and what is acceptable to you. In My opinion, though, if you hold on too strictly, you'll have some rebellion....if you let some of the small stuff go (she TOLD you she was going to the party----I bet in her immature brain she feels she DID ask........) then you'll have a more open relationship..........
Good luck, and let us know what happens!
Shels
No, you weren't wrong to say no.
Thanks for this response. My husband is also very inflexible and fed up with teenage "crap". Of course, he grew up in a household with 5 boys and doesn't know anything about what it's like to be a girl, which is also frustrating for him. I feel a little trapped by his rigid views. I want to be fair to DD, without undermining him.
I'm not sure if allowing her to go to the party will be flexible or if she will see it as weakness. There seems to be a fine line there. I think I would feel more confortable with the party, if she was more forthcoming in the reason for this change and in telling us who will be there.
She was so excited about the dance...something just doesn't seem right to me. Maybe it's nothing, but I think I will call his parents to get their version of the story. That's probably what I should have done anyway.
Sometimes having a teenager makes me feel like I'm stupid.
Julie
From another Julie ...
I think it was VERY rude of the boy to change his plans after accepting your DD's invitation. If it was MY DD, I have a feeling she would just blow the kid off after that. Well, who knows, but I'd like to think she would!
I'd probably be reluctant to let her go to the party. It sounds waaayyy too last minute, and therefore, maybe not on the up-and-up to me. If it was an after-party and his parents were definitely going to be present, an hour or so would probably be okay, but a complete change in plans like that makes me just a wee bit suspicious.
Just my thoughts,
CEASE!!!!!!!
Do not second guess yourself on this one for a minute. Absolutely no good - and potentially a lot of not-so-good - can come out of an evening that morphs from a school dance to a party at a boys house. It makes absolutely no sense for him to make this change of plans. I'm sure there's a reason, but not one that he'd be willing to share with you.
Stand frim. Turn off the second guessing tapes and wait patiently for the day when your dd will know you were right about this one. (that last thing might take awhile)
jt
ps - hey, daddieo - I think weenie boy may have some competition for his title...
Sorry, but now you have touched on a nerve and I have to step onto my soapbox. Ahem! The speech:
I CANNOT abide by the poor manners that teenagers have these days. I could make a laundry list of instances that have happened in the last week alone! I know it's the current "theme" to change plans at the last minute and everyone is supposed to go along, but I don't agree with it. I don't think its "okay" for kids to be so rude these days; and I for one, refuse to back off on the manners lessons when the opportunity presents itself. It's another one of those trends where everybody's else's kid is doing it, it must be okay. No, it is NOT!
Okay, stepping down now. :-)
This boys parents must not know that he accepted your DD's invitation and then changed plans on her. No way would I allow such a thing. I would say, Son, time to honor your commitments. You can have an after-party, but you WILL be taking this lovely young lady to the dance. How old is this kid, anyway?
I agree with the posters who said to have her go with a group of girls and have a blast at the dance! If she chooses to go to this kids house after, that's up to her (of course, after you have phoned his parents to make sure they will be fully chaperoning).
Or, better yet, maybe she should ask another, more polite, nicer young man to the dance. It's not too late!
Laura
I agree..
Suddenly arranging a party the same time as the dance would raise my antenna.
There's something up with this, and it's not good.
What a thoughtless weenie boy thing to do..
My guess is that some irresistable "opportunity" has presented itself.
I called his dad, who was DD's algebra teacher last year, to find out more about these plans. He was pleasant, and is an involved parent...they both are involved parents.
There are a couple of different things going on here. First, the boy, while extremely bright, is very shy, and really wanted to go to the dance "with DD", but didn't want to go to the dance. (He has also been very smitten by her). This was the best way he could figure out to spend time with her, but still avoid the social aspect of the dance. I suspect, DD and the boy were in cahoost in setting up these alternate plans.
Second...the boy has a step-sister a year younger, who is not going to the dance, but wanted to have some friends over. The parents agreed to have the sister's friends, which grew to include the boy and his friends and DD.
The parents will be home. The dad listed off the kids who are invited. The names I knew are very nice kids. I have no reason to suspect that there will be "funny business" going on. He did make me feel more at ease.
I think I will let her go to the party instead of the dance. My husband is very unhappy with me for "bowing to her every whim". I don't see it that way. In this case, I think being flexible is a better approach. In reality, I think this party will be better supervised than the school dance.
I hope this is the right thing to do.
Thanks for your input...it helps me a alot.
Julie
Julie, good luck. My DH has been known to think I 'give in' when in my opinion, I'm being flexible (he says it's a matter of semantics...........I think he's wrong!!)
Either way you would have gone would have been appropriate. Maybe you could explain to your DD that this isn't 'giving in', but after your initial shock and anger settled down a bit, you began to think about it and decided to contact the boy's father. Once speaking to him, you realized that the change in plans was relatively harmless, and although you don't appreciate her approach on the subject, you can NOW see why she may want to attend the party.
I don't know, it may be a way to keep your parental backbone, yet show your flexible side?
Anyway, good luck and I hope all goes well.
Shels
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