Annoyed...
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| Fri, 03-23-2007 - 8:23pm |
I probably shouldn't be annoyed - Idk, but I am....This is probably one of those things that should stay between dd and her bf.... You guys will tell me, I'm sure...
They have been dating for close to 8 mths now - he pays for the big things - even when dd offers to pay her way. For example, he paid for homecoming tickets, he paid for tickets to a recent benefit ball (that ended up getting postponed due to a winter storm) and he supposedly bought her tickets to Disney on Ice (I say supposedly bc he told both her and I he bought the tickets. I have been asking her which day they are going bc the benefit ball was postponed to about the time as the Ice Show - when I ask dd which day they are going - she says he doesn't know?). He did go all out for her for Christmas and Valentine's (as did she on him) and he built her a Build-A-Bear when she was at her worst during mono. He has paid her way to the movies (with snacks and stuff) and a trip to Dunkin Donuts afterwards once. BTW no he doesn't have a job....
Last week, my lovely dd "offered" bf and his friend R all of our cans (we get the 5 cent refunds) because R needed gas money. I was less than thrilled about that and dd and I went rounds on that one. If R needs gas money for his car - get a job or hey - doesn't he have parents? Damage was done, but she knows where I stand on that issue now. When her bf called later that day he happily tells me "We got $72 for the cans and we didn't even turn all of them in." I was thrilled for him *sarcasm* BTW I didn't ask what the "split" was but dd's bf got some of the cash from the cans as well....
So...Last weekend, dd and bf go to my niece's dance recital. We stopped at BK for something to eat afterwards. DD asks for some cash - bf speaks up lovingly "I've got you covered." Since this is the day after the "can incident", I mutter to myself "ummm okay."
Tonight - they are at the movies. As dd was leaving, I called her on her cell to let her know she only has X amount of money on her debit card. She wasn't concerned as she thinks bf is paying her way. About an hour later she texts me asking how much she has, I again inform her. She wants more... ha guess he wasn't paying after all.
Now...dd has paid his way to numerous movies with snacks. When they go out for Chinese, which is quite often, she ALWAYS pays. I can't even count how many times he has been out to dinner with us, and not at BK lol.
And no, DD, doesn't have a job either - but she has a pretty generous allowance. His family is, by far, much better off than we are...so it's not a matter of the have's and have not's...
Oh, I forgot to add when bf asked dd to buy his best friend (a very pretty girl that dd is friends with but secretly extremely jealous of) a gag thong for her 16th birthday on the internet with her debit card. *this was almost a breaker upper btw* No, it wasn't going to be from both of them. And no he wasn't going to give her the cash for it. DD basically told him he was an idiot and no way (well after a day or 2 of her internal struggle with her jealousy and insecurities.)
Actually, when I say bf bought dd her homecoming ticket that probably isn't fully true - as bf's brother "borrowed" some money from dd to buy his homecoming date a ticket and has yet to pay her back (since October). So that one evened out....
Idk - tonight just really irked me.... I know R and Bf went to bf's house after school to count up more can's to get $$$ before they all went the mall and movies... I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it irked dd too and that's why she texted me instead of calling me.....


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In a way I can so relate to what you're saying. N pays much, much more often than T does... however, she has a job, he doesn't. We are a 5 income family - all the kids have their own $$ and DH and I both have good jobs, where his mom is a single mom making about $10 an hour with 2 unemployed kids.... so we ARE a case of the haves and the have nots. But sometimes I wonder if T doesn't take advantage of N's $$.
I've opted to stay out of it for now. N doesn't seem to mind, and T periodically does odd jobs to earn $$ to do something special for N, like Christmas, Valentines Day and "just because." If your DD isn't bothered by this, maybe just take a wait and see attitude? I don't know if I should say anything either...
Rose
I'm still doing the math on the cans! Wow! Glad you straightened that one out with dd.
I think, in this day and age, boys and girls should be sharing expenses as equally as possible. Really, how well off the parents are shouldn't matter. DH and I are 'cheap' if you look at our housing vs housing of kids who get larger allowances and more goodies. It's a personal choice as to how folks spend their money-not much can be done about that! Ten people will yield ten different versions of where to put ones salary
And gas is a huge expense. Since he is the only driver, I would expect her 'half' to seem like more than half at times
The 'misrepresenting' would bother me. I can see him getting caught short once but it seems odd that it has happened several times. Perhaps dd just needs to be short some day too and they need to come home and watch TV? I definitely wouldn't be bailing them out if they, as a couple, miscalculate
Well, I use the term "allowance" rather loosely. She basically gets replenished on an as needed basis. For example, this weekend she will go shopping for running shoes and Lacrosse equipment, I hate shopping, I put the money on her card - she gets what she needs. The meals, I really shouldn't whine about, as I hate cooking and we eat out ALOT and he's over here ALOT so I'm not going to feed us and not feed him. He won't be over as much in the near future with both of their sports seasons beginning this week. But the actual allowance, yes is a set amount - for movies, shopping, nails, hair, eyebrows, gymnastics etc and that doesn't budge. I hadn't "paid" her yet for this month which was why she asked for $$$ this evening. She did have a job last summer and she will get another this summer. It's just impossible for her during school with sports to have a job. I don't mind her allowance as she does what I ask her, when I ask her to do it, around the house.
When she is working the allowance is cutoff and she has goals with her money over the summer - cheering camp and gymnastics (Unfortunately, she doesn't have to pay for her driver's ed) and her clothes for school shopping.
Ha exactly - I was not amused whatsoever with dd's altruism lol! She didn't think it was a big deal since I hate taking the cans to the redemption center - straightened that out really quick!! By the way, forgot to add, this was the same day she wanted to go get a new semiformal for that ball that thankfully got rescheduled. $72 = decent semiformal dress lol
Bf isn't driving yet - he goes for his license next month. "R" (the driver) is a friend of bf's (and dd's) but tonight is the 2nd time he has ever driven dd anywhere, although they all had plans last Friday too, but after the battle over the cans that didn't happen. So any gas, for the most part, being used by this "couple" is mine! His parents take them very few places, which for the most part, I don't mind as I'm a sahm and it's for things like this that I am a sahm. Both of his parents work.
And to his benefit, I don't think he misrepresented about tonight, I think dd assumed that his paying was the case given the cans situation. I assume he paid for himself (?)She's not good about asking and he's not good at informing his situation lol. And btw when they first started dating, I made it clear to her I didn't want him paying for everything and how old-fashioned that was - I'm guessing that was completely misinterpreted!! And oh boy they've had lots of days/nights of just chilling around watching tv or playing games.
Idk - I just wish the equality was a little more of an issue given the circumstances. I do drive them around - alot. And he's a growing boy and eats - alot. Even over Christmas break, when he had no way to get home from track practice, I picked him up every day.
Thinking back on it all, as I type this, I guess I don't really have anything to complain about - I was just ticked that he couldn't even bother to pay for a movie with my can money. It's obvious his parents limit the amount of $ available to him if he has to "borrow" cans. And if he got half of the $72 = $36 and bk for the 2 of them last week was probably about $15 lol....
The meals are my doing for the most part and the driving around as well....
I hear you on the lack of communication
DS2 was having to pay for everything with the GF, was complaining to me, and I was getting 'annoyed'. It is 2007, right?
Then I overheard a conversation between the two and GF was OFFERING to pay and DS turned her down and insisted he could handle it(I could almost hear the swagger)
I figure eventually she is going to give up trying and who can blame her?
So now Im annoyed with HIM
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Sometimes I get tired of opening the wallet at what seems like every turn, and feeding and treating their friends. Then when I think about it, it's not really that extravagant or excessive, just goes with the age. Teens just cost a lot with all their sports and activities, and those that do work can only squeeze in limited hours for low wages which barely makes a dent.
That certainly doesn't prevent a bit of annoyance at times.
If I understand you correctly, you came full circle like I usually do! :-)
Just want to commiserate a little here with you, kel! I don't have a lot of btdt advice (none actually) with bfs and gfs, but find myself not only being the transport for DS and his friend/s anytime they want to go to the movies -- or anywhere for that matter, but usually end up footing the bill for the movie tickets and snacks too! I would not only never dream of sending either one of my children on an outing without money to pay his/her own way, but I would also be the first one to step up and volunteer to drive the next time! It just doesn't seem to work that way around here.
Anyway, I think the idea of limiting your DD's discretionary money is a really good idea, basically, you are footing the bill for this relationship! Maybe you can suggest to your DD that when she and bf make plans to go out, that they discuss in advance how much $$ each one has so that they know before they get wherever they are going if they will have enough money. And also let her know that you will not be advancing money on her debit card for any last minute movie/snack/mini golf emergencies.
As for the recyclables? I'd have a major issue with that! I am the sole recycler in my house -- squashing cans, bagging up bottles, getting it all to the recycle yard -- so when redemption time comes around, it's MY money! Lolol -- I usually treat everyone out to dinner with the money, (so I don't have to cook) it's not like I keep it for myself anyway, but it's the idea of it!
Edited 3/24/2007 12:50 pm ET by hydrangea_blue
I am telling you from my experience (two times over sad to say) that you do have a reason to be annoyed...highly annoyed.
My daughter (who just broke up with her second year long "romance") has always been the one to pay....ALWAYS. I am embarrassed to admit that until recently it has been with "our" money since my daughter was given money but had no job of her own then.
Now that she is working; boy does she look at the money she spends on herself etc. differently.
The boys she chose to date would pay once in a great while, but my daughter has always been the one to drive, use her gas, and for the most part pay for the date 90% of the time.
I don't know if it was a control issue or not but I was foolish enough to let her do it.
I am talking about spending $500-$600 on Christmas gifts on my charge, I even lent one boyfriend $1500.00 to buy a car with (at the time she didn't drive) just so they could get out of my house and go out ( I wanted my family room back to myself)!
I have found out that boys, at least the ones she chose to date (and it was funny she never chose ones that "treated HER like a queen", will for the most part let someone else pay instead of using their money.
In hindsight, why didn't I let them "entertain" themselves only on what money they earned and quit footing the bill so they could have the time of their lives. We even took the boyfriends on vacation with us and footed the bill for that.
If your daughter and her boyfriend don't have money one weekend, what is wrong with sitting home and watching a movie on tv-I was wrong and teenagers need to learn early in life to live within their means.
We are comfortable, but by no means well off and what I could do with the money I let her spend on her "dates". Also, if this is a steady boyfriend, as my daughter's were, where they see each other often, what is wrong with "splitting" the bill?
The sad part is, in talking with my girlfriends who have daughters with boyfriends, they are pretty much all doing the same thing! These boyfriends of my daughters that she "wined and dined" are no longer around, happy to say, because it's great only for awhile and eventually it runs its course.
Good luck...
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