Another 'Grades' Post

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Another 'Grades' Post
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Mon, 11-06-2006 - 11:32am

DD's 1st quarter grades were not up to her usual standards -- at all. I know that there are lots of parents who would be thrilled to see their child get these grades, but for DD, they're atypical for her and I don't know what to do or say.

While we didn't come down on DD for slacking off, DH and I are a bit upset. When I opened the grades, I actually didn't say anything at all so DD did -- "Well, they're not BAD grades, mom". I said, "No, they're not bad grades at all, but they're bad grades for YOU. These are NOT the kind of grades we have seen from you all your life and have come to expect from you. We know that you are capable of better. Dad and I see this and it seems that you are not putting much effort into your schoolwork. We see someone who is slacking off and not doing her best. This is what we have a hard time with."

How do you get mad at a kid for B's? DD is right, it's not a bad report card at all. BUT, a B grade has typically been the exception, rather than the norm for her. I have only heard DD say one time this year that any class was 'hard' and that was about her French class after failing a test. What I DO hear is that her classes are 'boring' and that she's just not 'into it' this year. So because her classes aren't fun or she doesn't find them particularly interesting, she doesn't apply herself? Doesn't work for me.

The other factor that is an issue for me is that DD attends a private school that we pay for ... in more ways than one: tuition, books, uniforms and countless other nickel and dime expenses. It was the school of HER choice and it is an hour away from home. DH's office is about 15 minutes from the campus, so he has to drive to the area anyway, but he drives past his office to get her to school, then turns around and goes back to work. DD has to stay on campus until DH gets off work and then he goes to get her. They leave in the morning at about 6:45 and don't get home until about 6:00 each night. So while it's not incredibly INconvenient for DD to attend this school, it is not super convenient, either. DD seemed extremely happy at this school last year; this year, not so much.

Right now, I'm in the mindset that if her grades don't come back up to her usual standard by the semester, she'll find herself in one of our district schools that is closer to home and which doesn't cost us anything outside our tax dollars for her to attend. DH and I do really like the private school in spite of its location and feel she is getting a really great education. We also feel it is a good investment in time and money for DD. However, if she's going to put forth a half-a$$ed effort, I don't see any reason to continue paying for an education that could be obtained free elsewhere.

We pretty much told her at the onset that because of the $$ and effort it is taking us for her to attend this school, we expected nothing less than her best. What do you think? Do I have unreasonable expectations?

 

 

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 12:09pm

We've been there with our kids, too. It's hard watching them slack off, even if their grades are decent. We just keep reminding them that in college, too, they'll have classes they don't particularly like, but they will still have to work to pass them. And that in their jobs someday, there'll be stuff they won't want to do, but they'll have to.

As far as transferring her to a public school, unless she has friends there, I'd try to avoid that. If she's already somewhat lacking in motivation, and then she is punished by being removed from her friends and the school she prefers, you could end up with a depressed kid, like mine, who needs counseling.

See if her teachers notice a lack of motivation. If not, maybe it's not as bad as you think. If they do, mabye you can try bribery. We've never paid our kids for As, but some people claim it's a healthy way to motivate them. Or maybe you could let her out of doing chores if she gets As, or let her choose the restaurant you eat at, etc.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 12:23pm

I think you need to review the reasons you sent her to this school with DH and with DD and rethink the decision. And I dont think the reason you sent her there was to receive As so her current grades probably shouldnt be the main focus of these discussions

645-600 seems to me to be a long day away from home. My kid is so much happier now that the bus comes 30 min later in the morning-you'd think I bought him a new video game system!!! To me, its 'only 30 minutes'.

The 'effort' issue is always a tough one. If assignments are being turned in and there is nothing in writing to say the kid isnt doing the work, its hard to make that argument because all they say is "But I AM trying my best..."

Usually followed by "its HARDER this year" or(insert any of 30 responses)

Anyway, point being, I think school of attendance and grades are 2 separate issues. I personaally would avoid mixing them.

But I have no advice for grades. DS2 grades slipped for the first time in 10th grade and it was a disappointment. He was my perfectionist; I worried about him obsessing over the A- s, not getting As! Nothing I did changed the drop and they continued downhill-but he had other stuff going on so don't read too much into that. If grades are your only worry with her, you are unlikely to be in the same place I was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 1:56pm

Julie, I wasn't even going to comment on this post b/c I feel like I have nothing to offer, being that my situation as you know is so wildly different. But even though our kids are nothing alike, I think that some of these things I'm learning apply to all kids.
Dr. Mel Levine writes that childhood is the only time in our lives when we are expected to be good at everything: math, reading, writing, speaking, spelling, memorization, comprehension, problem solving, socialization, athletics, and following verbal directions. "Few if any children can master all of these 'trades'. And none of us adults can." As adults, we choose careers that deal with our strengths and no one ever derides an adult for not understanding matters of law, when his field for instance is medicine. Or how about being frustrated with an athlete because he's not proficient in advanced mathematics?

So I would ask you if she's doing better in the classes she's interested in, the classes that are her obvious "strengths". Also keep in mind that she may be going through a tough time with your situation as it is being so "up in the air" with regard to where she will be living in a few months. IOW, things are not exactly the status quo from last year in alot of ways, not just her grades and her effort, perhaps. Are you seeing her spending the amount of time she used to studying (which by your own words was simply ridiculous)? If not, you have the result in her grades. But imo I'd rather have a happier, well rounded kid with B's than a stressed out, ulcer-bound, no time for a second of relaxation kid with A's. But that's just me. I realize most parents are pretty freaked out about college and where their kids will get in, or not get in. I don't have those issues to deal with, so I can't speak to that, but as in everything, eventually the kids are going to have to live with the consequences of their actions, and that's the only way they learn. {{{HUGS}}}

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 2:45pm

Thanks, Marie -- I know what you must be thinking! I realize you (and probably plenty of other parents) would be thrilled if your DD or DS came home with my DD's report card, and I'm not trying to make anyone feel bad, truly. DD even went so far as to call me a 'grade grubber'! And it's not the letter grades themselves that concern me as the fact that across the board, every grade in every class went down a full letter grade from last year -- and a C in English!? English has typically been her absolute strongest subject. It wouldn't matter if it was B's to C's, C's to D's, or A's to B's, kwim?

What matters is that something is off somewhere! But because these grades are still good, as DD was quick to point out, how much should it matter? And what, if anything, do I say and/or do about it?

Dr. Mel Levine sounds like a very wise man, and I see what his point is. It does make perfect sense. But to answer your question, no, grades in classes she does enjoy are no better than the grades in classes she doesn't. And I'd have to say 'no' also to her being happier this year over last year; she seemed quite a bit happier last year.

If I had to venture a guess, and I think I will, I think she feels bad about her social life this year. She seems to have quite a lot of friends at school (you should have seen what she came home with on her birthday!) but rarely gets invitations outside of school or for the weekend and I'm pretty sure that bothers her. To be honest, it worries me. I try to keep her busy but mom is only so much fun for so long, kwim? I've really encouraged her to take the iniative and do the inviting herself, and she has tried, but things often fall apart and she probably gets tired of being disappointed and of course, is afraid of being rejected. And you already know we live in Dullsville -- there is NOTHING going on around here for her. It's pretty sad, actually. To be perfectly honest, if she had a happy and full social life and got this same report card, I'd be thrilled. Truly.

I'm not completely freaked out about college. I know it must seem like it, but when I was in high school, I totally blew off school and probably couldn't have gotten into college at all with the GPA I graduated with. I don't want her to make the same mistake. I just want her to do her best all the time. The fact that we are paying for this school just adds a new dimension to her doing her best.

Oh gosh, I'm rambling here. Sorry! I'm sure there are a lot of things going on in her mind and I'm sure you're spot on about the 'feeling in limbo' thing. I've told both kids they should plan on being here for the entire school year -- the 'For Sale' sign is still stuck in the front yard and no one has come to look at it in over a week.

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 2:58pm

Thank you for your thoughts -- mine are quite jumbled today.

There is one middle school in our community and the majority of kids left that school to attend one of two high schools. Only a handful went out of district and DD was one of them -- at her choosing. So if she transferred to on of the district schools, there is a very good chance she would know somebody! We went round and round with her about the distance, her reasons for wanting this school, etc., and in the end it has worked out fine. She put herself out there last year and had a great year and this year seems to be in a slump.

I have been wondering if perhaps she is a little depressed actually. I know she is rather down about her limited social life at home. She seems to have a lot of friends at school, but rarely gets invites outside of school or for the weekend so she is at home alone quite a bit. What teenager wouldn't be a little depressed about that?

Oh ... comments from her teachers, with the exception of one, were all very favorable -- good student, attitude, etc. so on the surface, things appear fine.

Thanks again for your comments.

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 3:09pm

Attending this school was 100% DD's choice. We went round and round with her about the distance, the compromises we'd all have to make, etc. and she was quite insistent about this school.

DD has admitted that she has not given her full effort so far this year. It is understandable because we would like to move out of state and expected that we would do so at the semester. But, housing sales are pretty flat here and I have told both kids that they should plan on being here throughout the entire school year.

Now that I've read these responses and typed out my thoughts, I think there is more going on here than just grades. I think I'll keep a closer eye on her.

Thanks again for your thoughts.
Julie

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 4:39pm
I understand your frustration.
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 5:53pm

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Oh, there's plenty of talk. There's been a For Sale sign stuck in our front yard for about 2 months now. Unfortunately, we picked the worst possible time to try and sell as housing sales are flat with housing prices are going down. Oh well ...

Thank you for your understanding. I'm sure whining that 'my dd only got B's' won't endear me to many people here, especially those whose kids are struggling, but when there is that significant a drop/attitude in school, it is a worry regardless of the grade.

Anyway, I think DD might regret her decision to attend this school just a little. She had such a bumpy ride in 8th grade that she wanted to get as far away from the middle school drama as she could. What she failed to realize was how much the same kids would likely change in the transition and she might have gotten along much better in a different school AND she would meet new kids. She hasn't done much to keep in touch with too many kids from ms, in spite of my encouraging her to do so and their worlds are now miles apart ... literally! :-)

I have asked her several times if she would like to transfer into a district school, which would reduce her commute time and she would likely make friends who live closer and whom she could do things with outside of school. So far, the answer has been no. She said this weekend, she didn't want to start a new school twice, meaning now and then again whenever we move.

And here I am rambling again. Thanks for your thoughts Pam. Regardless of her 'boredom' or 'restlessness' to move, I agree that she needs to keep her end of the bargain up with regard to grades and doing her best.

Julie

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2005
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 6:24pm

Julie, I can so relate to your post. I think our daughters are similar in many ways. In each of the last school years, DD's first quarter grades were below what we expected. I think part of it was getting used to new teachers, new courses, increased expectations. (We haven't received this quarter's grades yet - that's not til next week).

What we did was say 1) even if you don't like a class or a teacher, you have to do your best. 2) If you're doing your best, and still get a B or C, we won't be angry. 3) the way we know you're doing your best is we can see you studying (or not studying) 4) What are some ways you can bring your grade up?

#4 was interesting - together we brainstormed some strategies. I insisted on studying *with* her for some subjects (on the argument that she needed help figuring out how to study for this particular class/teacher). I encouraged her to talk to teachers - even if they won't assign extra credit, they'll see her as engaged and interested rather than bored and distant.

I don't think you should hold the school thing over her head. If you think this is the right placement for her, then help her figure out how to do well in this environment.

HTH

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 6:34pm

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THANKS!!! I needed to hear that! I think I had pretty much come to that conclusion already since I don't think especially highly of the public schools in our district. This school DOES seem to be a good fit for her. Expectations there are high, not just among parents, but teachers as well.

We did talk a little bit about how she could bring her grades up. I am confident she can do it with some effort. My concern is in Geometry because as in any math class, if you lose your way in September and don't get back on track, by November you're completely lost. She couldn't tell me for sure where or what problem there was, but if she needs to spend some time after school with her math teacher, well, she's already there on campus.

Thanks again, Sue. I am waiting to hear from her English teacher -- the worst grade of 'em all and the comments included 'missing assignments' -- yikes!

 

 

 

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