Another Myspace Mess

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Another Myspace Mess
8
Fri, 02-03-2006 - 11:09am

Talk about it biting you in the backside! I found myself cruising myspace a few days ago to see what it's all about. Decided to see if my 18yo nephew had a page -- yup, sure enough, he does.

My brother, DN's father, has been divorced from DN's mother from the time he was born. His mother is not a nice person -- changed the locks on her and DB's apartment when she was pregnant and moved in with another man; served DB divorce papers in the hospital right after DN was born.

Anyway, DB hasn't been a huge presence in DN's life, due primarily to his ex, but has been more involved the last 10 years or so. The story is too nasty and much too long to go into here. I only see him when my DB brings him here or if I visit my parents, he may come down, so not terribly often.

DN's myspace blogs scared me to death: drinking (heavily), smoking pot and experimenting with drugs, DRIVING while under the influence, vandalising house and cars -- you name it, he's doing it. He's a senior in high school and spends most of his time in the ALC because his grades are lousy and he's about to get kicked out. One of the school administrators told him "you're 18 now and you're just taking up space here." Photos of him s**t-faced and surround by empties, how he was so drunk he threw up in the swimming pool (if he was that drunk, he could have drowned!) All this was on his myspace. This kid is not on a good path.

So ... I e-mailed my DB, didn't write a lot, just thought he should know what DN was up to. Thought he might at least want to talk to the kid about the drinking and driving, and at 18 he would be tried as an adult, blah, blah, blah.

Boy oh boy! He came back and bit me HARD in the rear-end! Told me to shut my trap, mind my own business, lots of ugly name calling, I am now disowned as a family member, etc., etc.,

Perhaps I was wrong in calling this stuff to his attention, and I guess he wanted to keep his head in the sand, BUT ... DN is my family, too! This wasn't about a neighbor or friend or someone one of my kids hangs out with -- it's my brother and his son.

Egad. I don't know what to do now.

Any advice or opinions?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
Fri, 02-03-2006 - 11:20am

Sorry, but I'd have to email him back and tell him that you weren't going to sit by and be the only adult who was aware of this behavior, what he chooses to do with the information about his son's activities is up to him. If you have a relationship with your nephew, you can remind him that there is no privacy on the internet and that anyone can peruse his personal life. There is no such thing as snooping on public sites.

Mom to Emily (18), Conor (17) and Hannah (12)
Wife to David - 8/20/88

 

 

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-03-2006 - 12:51pm

So sorry Jules. I have a sister who sounds like your brother. If I told her all the stuff I know about her 17dd, she'd probably find a way to twist it to mean that I'm just trying to malign her dd. Wacked.

It stinks that we as adults and parents aren't all out there watching out for ALL the kids, but in this day and age there are simply parents who either know and don't care (or feel helpless) or those parents who hide thier heads in the sand because they don't WANT to know.

Unfortunately, at this stage of the game, you're unlikely to have any effect on DN's behavior and in fact, it probably wouldn't be well received by DN anyway. Best to just pray for him in the meantime, and be there should he ever need reliable family to lean on.

What a shame. Perhaps there is more to DB's relationship with ExW and DN than you know.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-03-2006 - 12:52pm

Jules, I would get right back in his face, so to speak, and tell him, EXCUSE ME, but I and MY LOVED ONES have to be on the road when DN is driving drunk, and I WOULD APPRECIATE IT if he could at least speak to your son about how he is putting everyone in danger, not just himself.

Your DB is shooting the messenger and hiding his head in the sand. Shame on him!!!

Laura

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2005
Fri, 02-03-2006 - 1:26pm

Oh Julie, what a horrible thing. Maybe it will blow over, and DB will realize it's his son he should be mad at and not you? I think you did the right thing, and hope someone would do the same to me in the same situation.

((((HUGS))))

Sue

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Fri, 02-03-2006 - 2:05pm

I'm sorry that you got slammed for trying to help your brother. I think that you did the right thing. By the way that he got so defensive and angry I would suspect that he is already aware of his son's activities to some degree, and upset by them.

If you feel it in your heart, you could email both your brother and your nephew telling them that you realize that they don't appreciate any involvement by you at this time, but if in the future they want to talk or try to turn things around then you will be there for either/both of them.

Also realize that the MySpace posters often exaggerate, or at least show themselves in the most wild light. I'm not saying that your nephew made up everything that he posted but he may make it sound like he is partying more than he really is. Let's hope so.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Fri, 02-03-2006 - 4:02pm

Thanks, all. I did respond right away to DB pointing out the dangers to DN himself and everybody else on the road when DN decided to drive under the influence. Also made mention that, God forbid, should DN injure anybody while driving in that state, his life as he knew it would be OVER.

While I do realize that a lot of stuff on myspace is exaggerated to 'tell the story', DN had posted quite a few pics that corresponded to his blogs -- like the Ford Explorer my DB bought and fixed up for him for his 16th bday partially submerged in a lake, and the story of the drunken night on how it got to be there.

The way my DB responded to my e-mail leads me to believe he is imbibing in something other than Diet Coke himself. His was surely not the response of a sober or rational man.

As h&r posted, there's not much more I can do now other than pray DN finds his way down a better path. I do feel I did the right thing. This is the boy who just a few years ago, wanted to become a minister.

Thanks again,
Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Fri, 02-03-2006 - 5:21pm
Well, Julie, if being a caring & loving aunt and sister is a crime, you're guilty as sin! There's no question that your db responded bably - and he may have done so for many reasons that have nothing to do with you. The point is that doing the right thing is rarely the easy thing. But it's still the right thing. I doubt that you could have lived with yourself if something happened to dn as a result of his behavior - behavior you knew and kept silent about. Sleep tight and sweet dreams tonight, my dear - I've got a feeling your db will be tossing and turning some...
jt
Avatar for momtb4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 02-04-2006 - 3:21am

I have not read the other replies (yet) but wanted to respond first. Try to bear in mind, a lot of what the kids are saying on myspace is made up crap. My son has a story on there about an accident and an arrest that never took place. He has a picture of him and his cat that claims they are both stoned, and they are not. His myspace page claims he has 6 piercings, he has 1. They make up a lot of stuff that just isn't true to make themselves look "better" to their peers.

So, maybe some of what your DN said is true. Maybe he's drinking some, or maybe its heavily, or maybe not at all. Maybe he threw up in a pool, or he saw someone else do it, or created it in his head.

Your bro needs to know what's going on, and I'd have only sent him a link to the page and left it at that. If your bro wants to keep his head in the sand, well, honestly, that's his choice as a parent, and one with a severe limit on his parenting. If the boy is as bad as his page (or worse!) he is a product of his mothers insanity. You don't spend a lot of time with him, seeing him rarely. It's not like your kids hang out with him, so there is no issue of influence. I would just apologize for poking my nose it where they clearly didnt want it, keep an eye on things for my own knowledge and leave it alone. If your family has disowned you for something like this, well, that's just crazy and although it hurts your feelings, no one needs family like that. If it's all coming from your bro, roll with it and it will probably roll away in time.