another spin-off tamarah's post
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| Sat, 04-01-2006 - 10:32am |
i am wondering - what are our responsibilities to our kids? when do they end? what do we do with children who have problems (drugs, alcohol, depression, or just plain ole laziness)?
I always thought that it was our 'job' to prepare kids for life - to teach them (by example) between right and wrong, to teach them the 'right' way to behave, to get them started in life by making sure that they have jobs (volunteering or paying jobs) from when they are young, and letting them learn to take responsibility, giving them chores, etc etc etc.
there are so many cases here where people say that at some point they litereally just threw their kids out. I don't have an answer, and obviously every case is different. i wonder sometimes if that is what i need to do with my son - but i feel that he is not ready for life and he can't cope YET.
i just don't know....
thoughts?

I remember you mentioning your son's age awhile back but can't remember - 16 going on 17? You bring up a very valid post.
My husband and I have tried our hardest to be good examples to our children and create a stable, healthy and happy family life. We both work, take pride in what we do, dont drink (except for the occasional social event) or smoke and have high values.
My take on all this (some of you might think my reasoning is crazy) but I think in some cases, not all, it stems from birth. My son was a HORRIBLE kid from the beginning; always getting into things, never listening, stubborn, etc. etc. I told my husband (and he still remembers) that when my son was 2 years old he would be a handful as he got older and sure enough. We have tried to change him, bring him up with the same morals and values that we have, lead by example but obviously it hasnt worked. I think with some kids it doesnt matter WHAT you do or say, they will take their own route and thats the way it is. We have friends who had the same problems with their son and had to kick him out at age 17. He struggled on his own for quite a few years but now at age 27 (yes, it took 10 years for him!!) he is a great guy, went back to school and now has a decent life.
My daughter who is 12 is the TOTAL opposite of my son. She's been really easy since birth, no problems at all with her. Honour student, volunteers, kind, gentle, great morals and values and definitely not lazy. She MAY change when the teen years hit (I know I can't expect it ALL to be easy) but I have seen such a difference between the two of them from day one.
I think as a parent all we can do is teach them the best we can and HOPE they follow. If they go down the wrong path we must know in our hearts that we did the best we could and be there in the end to pick up the pieces. Thats the advice my friends with the son gave me the other day anyway.
Too bad we didnt know all of this prior to conception.....lol
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I tend to agree with this. Looking back I should have known before she was born that youngest DD was going to be wild child. She literally kicked me so hard she cracked one of my ribs - giving birth with a broken rib is not fun!
Personality is genetic but we as parents do have alot of influence on this as well. DD is still very energetic and vibrant and stubborn and emotional to the core but we have managed to instill some values in her and she is learning to use those traits to her benefit.
Unless DS is 19, I personally wouldn't kick him out. I believe that people no matter what age they are can change but they have to want to and you can't force that down his throat. I know he's exhausting you and possibly the entire household but he needs you now more than ever. Hang in there!
This is another really good quesiton. I'm not sure I have an answer - or at least not one that can be applied to any family but my own. I guess I feel that I have a lifelong "responsiblity" as far as my dd is concerned. I will always be her mother, and there's no way around that. With luck and God's grace, she'll grow into a responsible, independent adult .. but I'll still jump if the phone rings at midnight, even if she is 30 years old. If she's hurt, I'll hurt - just like now.
My parents are both gone now, but they were always looking out for me, my sisters and their grandkinds. I remember going to a seminar about 2 hours away right after my dad was dx'd with Lou Gehrig's disease. There was a huge storm and he couldn't stop worrying about me drivng in the snow. He wanted me to take his car, because he thought it was safer - I mean, the man had just been handed a death sentance and all he could think about was his little girl out on the road. I called him as soon as I got to my hotel and even laughed a little with dh about it later .. still calling in at the age of 40.
I am not sure what I would do in the case of a child dealing with drugs or alcohol. I now there IS a point where a parent has to say "I've done my best, and that's all I can do". and at that point, I think it is healthy to make a decision to live your life and allow your child to do the same. I understand this in theory, but I'm not sure I have the strength of character to actually do this if I were so challenged.
Like I said, with luck, the kids grow up and live responsible lives worrying to death about their own kids. In a perfect world, that's what happens, but a parent is always a parent.
jt
What a thought provoking question. Currently, I am learning to let go of my 18dd, soon to be college student. I overheard her tell her cousin that she is "READY!" I guess I made a face because she held the phone against her chest and said, "mom, I'm ready to get out of HS and into college, not ready to leave home...God!" LOL~
If that had been my 16dd she would have likely meant the opposite. She can't wait to leave us, even though she has no desire to go to college or even a tech/trade school. She has no real life skills and I often wonder if she will live with us forever or will she work cruddy, open ended jobs forever while sharing an apt with some loser. She does not have any drive or desire to 'make something of herself' - something we as adults (IMO) value more than many of today's teens do. My older dd, the 18 y/o, she wants a life, she wants a career, she wants a future - she has dreams and aspirations. So, that begs the question: How did two children who came from the same womb, were raised in the same household with much love and stability and nurturing turn out so differently?
Unlike my 18dd who was a dream pregancy and birth, babyhood and childhood, my 16dd was 'difficult' from the moment of conception I think. She was breach from the 4th month on. My midwife tried to turn her, called in a professional (we had to travel to a hospital in Brooklyn NY) to turn her. As we saw her turn I was so relieved only to watch her distort my belly as she turned right back around! A baby who was supposed to be delivered at home surrounded by mom, dad and sister, family and a couple of close friends was born in a glaring hospital room and was an emergency C-section by perfect strangers. And from the moment she was born she cried for about 3 months and hasn't stopped since.
It seems just as I can count on my 18dd to do the right thing or make the right choices, I can count on my 16dd to always take the rocky road or make poor choices. Mind you, she is learning and maturing so I think she will be okay, but I do think I will have to provide for her and support her in every way for a little longer than her sister. And while that's okay , I also worry about not being able to have "MY" time after they have grown. You know, as in, when will DH and I be able to be a couple without kids (he is thier step dad, so we have only had couple times sporadically over the years) and go off to do things like travel and spend our money as we sit fit rather than to fill a need of the kids, NWIM?
I don't think you can put a date or an age on when to kick them out of the nest, but I'd have to say that if they aren't pulling thier weight or contributing to the family in some way shape or form, it's definitely time to start pushing. I'm thinking that if my 16dd doesn't go to college after HS, or at least a tech school to learn a trade, and is not maintaining a job and doesn't help around the house or basically is just a lazy lump, she will get her walking papers. I don't think asking a child to leave in anger is healthy, however. I think that making notes and discussing it calmly and rationally is the way to go. To scream, "Okay thats it! Your mother and I have had it with you - you need to be out by 12 noon tomorrow - you're on your own" is not the way to go. I think if it's something that is discussed rationally with a well thought out plan, notes and B-plans around the kitchen table, the parents won't have any regrets because it will be a decision that wasn't in anger. The whole purpose of parenting our children is to guide them into productive adulthood, and sometimes it just doesn't work out that way and we need to give a push. Some young adults won't make that jump to independence unless faced with the NEED. IF we allow the alcoholic or drug addicted adult child to continue to lean on us, we are simply enabling that behavior and making it easy for them to continue in that way. If they are unwilling to adhere to some house rules and clean up thier act to become a productive member of society, we'd actually be doing them a disservice by allowing them to have access to a warm bed, a hot shower and plenty of home cooked meals. Maybe that adult child needs to suffer a little to learn, maybe they will never learn, but maybe they will fall and land on thier feet and that's when the major growth will occur.
I don't think any of us know the answer, as I feel it's individual based on the family dynamics and each child. But I know that each of us has a point where we start to focus on our own needs rather than someone who is perfectly capable to helping themself.