Antisocial dd, when to worry?? (Long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Antisocial dd, when to worry?? (Long)
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Wed, 10-18-2006 - 10:58pm

DD

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Thu, 10-19-2006 - 1:57pm

You should do some research for yourself and your daughter regarding personality types and the difference between introverts and extroverts. There are personality tests online (look for Meyers-Briggs personality type tests) that are simple, involve answering a few questions and then you get a great printout of that personality type as well as some watch-outs and tips for getting along with them and others. Getting some insight into her personality may just help her develop some skills for herself and help you gain some knowledge on where she might be coming from.

My dd is a social person but she leans towards the introverted side. She is also 15, very intelligent and focussed. She has a pretty large group of friends but, interestingly, they are for the most part similar to her in a number of ways. They are all pretty, friendly, intelligent girls but they've never had boyfriends, they don't date, they don't go out weekends to "party". Their social lives revolve around each other only and mostly at one of their houses to watch a DVD and eat some pizza. They'll go to a movie but avoid the usual teen "hangouts". They value school and are active with their families etc. There are very few if any boys they really like. As my dd says most of the time the boys she knows are "stupid" and "immature" or "too dorky" (lol). She thinks boys are a waste of her time and is uncomfortable where there are large gatherings of teens.

I know there are girls even younger than her who have more active social lives who've had boyfriends and go out every weekend and seem to have alot more fun. But, they are also more likely to be sexually active at a younger age, exposed to alcohol and drugs, and prone to alot of emotional upset over failed relationship and betrayals. Frankly I am HAPPY my daughter is not clamouring to be out partying more than she is. I don't think either she or I are ready to deal with the fallout just yet.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2010
Thu, 10-19-2006 - 3:15pm

I agree with the other posters, let her be! I was VERY antisocial in school, most of the people my age acted like monekys. I had no desire to want to be around them or hang out with them. I had very few friends in school and I never cared. I still get along with "adults" better than people my own age (I am 23). When I was 15 I had a job, boyfriend and I did volunteer work, I had no desire to hang out with anyone from school.

I would be happy she is focused on school and her grades. Also, high school friends mostly come and go. They few friends I was close with in school moved away for college and I haven't seen them since 2001. Friends change all the time, she only has one chance at school, be glad she is getting good grades. I would do anything to go back and take my classes over again and get the grades I knew I could have gotten.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Thu, 10-19-2006 - 5:50pm

I hardly ever get to be the dissenting opinion, so for whatever it is worth, here goes...it's not that I think you have something to worry about per se, but I do think you're concerns are real and valid. Academic excelllence is only one aspect of a succesful life. Equally important are the social aspects of our lives. You have the right idea that you want your dd to have a "balanced" life and that perhaps you don't see the balance you would like to see at this point. From what you've said, I tend to agree with you.

I wouldn't be at all worried that she doesn't seem to want to follow the immature crowd, but I would be worried if she doesn't at some point start to separate from you which is a normal adolescent developmental stage. I would be worried if she is truly "anti-social". We all know extremely intelligent people who don't do as well in the "real world" because they cannot get along well with others, or can only get along with a "certain type" of person, i.e. the person that is most like them.

I think you're right to encourage her to see the good in others.

One other thing is that depression can sometimes run in familes, so don't discount it outright simply because you take anti-depressants and she so closely identifies with you she thinks that may be her problem, too. Listen to her if she thinks she's depressed; ask her what she thinks.

Avatar for soccermom03
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 10-19-2006 - 5:59pm

I look at this a little differently because of what we've gone through with DS18. Background: DS Chris is an excellent student (perfect 5s on every AP exam, in line to be in the top 2% of his grad class and bound for an elite, highly selective engineering college to double major in Chem/Applied Biology, med school later), 4 year varsity athlete, works parttime, extremely outgoing and does very well with adults. He went on a monthlong tour of Europe last summer, came home and had surgery to repair a chronic injury, started soccer practices, went back to school, and totally withdrew from everything. All of a sudden he hated everyone, everything was "boring", kids he had been friends with were "stupid and immature", etc. We passed it off at first as post-Europe letdown, stress from surgery, stress from college decision-making, etc. Then we noticed that he wasn't sleeping much, and was losing weight. I tried to get him to talk, my father (he and grandpa have a special bond) tried to talk to him as did DH but he wouldn't talk to any of us. He finally agreed to see his doctor, who he adores and trusts. Dr diagnosed depression and put him on a 6 week trial of an antidepressant. It freaked me out a little as both my mother and I suffer from depression and take medication.

We are four weeks into the trial and I have my son back. He's eating and sleeping again, and the best part is he is having fun again. He has even reconnected with some old buddies he hadn't seen in ages and went to a movie and out for coffee with them last weekend. He said he hadn't laughed that much in the longest time. He's still got some major stressors on his plate- none of that has changed and he is getting ready to begin his second year as captain of the track team so there is lots of pressure to perform, but he is handling it. Chris has a healthy perspective now, realistic expectations and is able to balance things. Yeah, there are still some kids who annoy him but he doesn't let a few goofballs keep him from enjoying himself.

I guess my question for you would be, is your daughter HAPPY? Does she have fun? Can she find joy in things? Can she be silly and have a good time? Yes, everyone wants a mature, responsible teenager, but let's remember that she is 15. This is a time in her life where she should be enjoying some carefree, fun times. Yes, lots of kids are downright irritating and obnoxious but I am pretty sure that your DD isn't the only one at her school with some maturity. She has a peer group out there, she just isn't finding it. The fact that she herself is questioning whether she is depressed leads one to wonder about it. Spending the weekend in tears over an IPod doesn't sound right. If it's not depression perhaps she is suffering from some major social anxiety.

Just my .02...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Thu, 10-19-2006 - 6:09pm

Soccermom - I've noticed over the years that your Chris and my Jason are alike in so many ways.

Pam
Avatar for soccermom03
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 10-19-2006 - 6:45pm

I've noticed the similarities between our boys too! I think depression and eating disorders go hand in hand with their type-A personalities. Obviously not all type-A folks suffer from depression or EDs, but it sure seems like a large percentage of teens diagnosed with either fit that very driven, high-achieving profile.

I am still wary of Chris' moods and tend to hover a bit (though I'm getting better), and it does make me nervous when I think of sending him to school next fall- especially one known for its high demands and pressure. I think he'll be fine, he will probably handle better than I will, lol. At least we now know what we are dealing with, what to watch for and what to do if he stops meds and begins to sink into another depression.

I'm sending my best healing vibes for Jason and praying for his continued recovery. I know this has been an incredibly difficult and scary time for all of you. I am certain that with good medical intervention, family support and lots of love that he will continue on the road back to good emotional and physical health and you will have your boy back as well.

{{{{{{hugs}}}}}} Lori ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2005
Thu, 10-19-2006 - 8:46pm

If you're worried, and your DD is worried, then I think it's worth talking about some more. I don't agree with previous posters who said - stop complaining, you've got a good kid. You've got a family history of depression, and that's a good reason to at least take that concern seriously.

I agree with the poster who asked "is she happy?" Some teens have a few, tight friends, others have lots and lots of friends. Neither is wrong if the kiddo is happy.

Is there an activity that she can do that would connect her to kids/teens who are a little older? I've noticed that my DD is often drawn to kids 1-3 years older. Maybe there's a mixed age teen activity she can do.

HTH

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2006
Fri, 10-20-2006 - 6:13am
What you have is a child who is just more mature in some ways than her peers. She doesn't seem all that anti-social to me. She works, has a few friends, a boyfriend. She also doesn't seem clinically depressed. Just normal teenage angst and hormones. My daughter was somewhat like this as she found her peer group immature and silly all through high school. She had a few friends there but the majority of her friends then and now are older than her. She is more comfortable with a mature crowd. She never could stand the petty, backstabbing highschool girl issues so she avoided it. She actually had more friends who were boys as she found them easier to deal with. She is 21 now and her boyfriend is 29. Seems like a big age difference but really, he's so good to her, he's past the player stage, he has a good job and is responsible. So, I wouldn't worry about your daughter. She seems to be doing pretty good for only being 15. If she starts avoiding the family and the friends that she does have then I would start to be concerned.
Avatar for suzyk2118
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997
Sat, 10-21-2006 - 7:03am

Sorry - I had to smile. Your dd and her friends mirror my ds14 and his freshman friends! Same personalities/likes/dislikes/activities/get-togethers/complaints about the opposite sex, etc.

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2006
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 12:12pm
My dd sounds alot like yours....except she says that she is a loner...she doesn't mind being alone although she does have friends in school on weekends she mostly stays home with me. She will be 14 next month and she has her head on her shoulders and also says alot of the kids in her class just irriate her because they are so immature. Some kids are not as social as other so I wouldn't worry about it as long as her grades are good and she seems to be very responsible maintaining good grades and working as well I would count your lucky stars she isn't in some of the "social" groups that get together and drink and do drugs etc.

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