Any ideas appreciated (very long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2007
Any ideas appreciated (very long)
5
Tue, 07-10-2007 - 1:34am

I am fairly new to Ivillage, I do a lot of reading but not much posting. I am at the end of my rope and don't really know where to turn so I am coming here hoping maybe someone will have some suggestions for me.

I have two teenagers (boy 16 and girl 15) in the past 3 years it has been a downward spiral in behavior with both of them. To the point that my daughter has been placed out of the home twice (she is currenting out in placement). In the second half of the last school year things were totally out of control with both of the kids. I also have a boy 9 who at this point is no problem but it has to be horrible for him to live in the turmoil all the time and role models they are not. To top this all off I am a divorced with little or no contact from their father and I have major health problem so I am unable to work so we are on a very limited income. So there is a little background.

The current issue is that my oldest son has gotten a job and has been working a lot and doing very well as far as work is concerned. But his attitude at home stinks. He is not willing to do anything as far as picking up after himself or keeping his room clean. Now when it comes to money he is very very generous he will help with bills without even being asked in fact he seems to enjoy being able to buy things for us and to help with the bills. On top of this he has started sneaking out. So since we have had problems in the past I have warned him and he knows if he is caught I will have him cited for unruly by the police if he is caught. So last week I had to have him cited. This week he was suppose to be at work on night and a friend called and told me he had left work at 8 pm and he didn't come home until 3 am. I had warned him the last time he was cited that it was his last chance and that if he messed up again he would have to go away just like his sister, exactly one week later he pulls this. I don't even know what to do anymore. So we sat and talked and he begged me for one last chance and was willing to be on total house arrest with only being able to leave for work and anything other punishment that I was going to give him. My only issues is I have to sleep...I can't stay up all night making sure he doesn't sneak out again. It was just luck I caught him the night I did. I know before my daughter got sent away they were sneaking out together. I have to take meds when I go to sleep at night and I have a sleep apnea machine that I have to use at night that makes it impossible for me to hear if they go out the doors. So I am trying to come up with ideas that might help me know if they are trying to sneak out.

I am almost to the point where I feel like I might have to give them up because I don't feel like I can be a good enough mother but honestly they are my life and I love them so much and I really want to do right by them if I can. Thanks in advance to anyone who made it through this *book* :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Tue, 07-10-2007 - 7:22am

I'm sorry things are so stressful for you now.

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-10-2007 - 10:03am

Many hugs to you. You have a lot of things on your plate and certainly, asking for help is very important in being a good parent, which you've done, so kudos to you!

It sounds like both your son and daughter are testing you as normal typical teens will. It also sounds to me like perhaps your son has taken on the role of "man of the house" to a degree and perhaps he feels that he is entitled to looser rules. So, add that to the fact that you're unable to stay up 24/7 to make sure he's indoors and he will push the envelope and sneak out when he knows you can't stop him. You're correct, it's a tough situation to be in. And at his age, it's very difficult to enforce the rules when he thinks he can do whatever he wants with little to no consequences.

I really agree with Rose's suggestion for family counseling. Surely if your dd has been placed outside the home, there is counseling available. Also, if you're on a limited income, I *carefully* assume that you have access to some public services that can also help you find a good family therapist. If not, you can contact your local public health center, Catholic Charities, YMCA, YWCA and find out what mental services are available - most of those places offer services on a sliding scale fee basis and even for free to some families (you may qualify).

Do you have any family nearby or a strong male relative who would lend a hand and be a sort of role model for your sons? Someone they can perhaps spend a few hours each weekend with, whether it is working or playing? Even if it's not family, but perhaps the husband of a friend or the father of one of their friends. You could also contact your local Big Brother/Big Sister chapter and find a mentor for your sons and daughter. I think that it's very difficult to try and be the only role model in your children's lives and that's what community is all about.

I realize that it seems like a lot of work to get all these things in place, especially when you're not feeling well, but once things ARE in place, you should feel some relief. Call on those you know and who are close to you for help if you can - you need the emotional support as well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2007
Tue, 07-10-2007 - 12:13pm

Thanks Rose and Heartsandroses for your replies!

Yes I have tried family counseling and individual counseling as well. Sadly we live 500 miles away from my family because the ex won't allow us to move so no male role models close. But we are way hooked up in the community as far as help goes which makes it even more frustrating. We have many different counseling programs in place, mentoring, church, and other programs I have found along the way. I have reached out even to social services at times for help. I only turned to the police as last resort when all of this had failed.

I also was raised in a family where I had to grow up way to fast so I vowed to be my kids friend and help them stay kids as long as I could and somehow I feel like I went wrong somewhere along the way. Now I am getting harder on them but I have to say I think I still try and let them/him be a kid. Like now he is grounded but still gets phone and to have friends over.

I honestly think the main problem is that he fell in with a really really horrible group of friends (skipping school, smoking, drinking, and doing drugs) and that is when his major problems started. I always said I wouldn't pick my kids friends but now I don't know. Honestly I feel like I have absolutely no clue what I am doing!

Anyway thank you guys for listening and replying it is nice to get it out and to have someone to talk to who actually has teenagers. With my illness I am pretty much homebound so I don't have a lot of friends.

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-10-2007 - 12:33pm

As parents we can't always do or be what our kids consider 'fair' and we certainly must be parents before we are friends. My oldest is almost 20 and while we're very close, there is still that parental line that we're very careful about. I have had to be the 'uncool' mom at times and I know that was disappointing to both of my daughters, but their safety and well being is of the utmost importance to me. More important than being perceived as being cool or fair or their bud.

As a one time divorced, single mother I can tell you that I allowed guilt to get in the way of making those hard decisions when it came to allowing or not allowing my daughters to hang with certain friends or participate in certain outings. I learned very quickly that I could not allow the guilt I carried for breaking up our family to get in the way of good, sometimes strict, parenting. And thank God I did because both my girls are good kids. Just like your kids are good kids - they are just a little confused, testing you, and pushing everyone's limits. My youngest is the one who is always pushing the envelope and testing my patience - always has. She causes me the most worry and the most grief; she's put herself into dangerous situations and my marriage almost came to an end due to all the stress and anxiety as a result of her behavior. Thank God we were able to get the help and intervention we have. DD is a good kid, she's empathetic and kind, but she's also 17 and can make impulsive poor choices. Some days I feel like I have no more energy left for this, but somehow I am able to make it and lean on others when I can.

I hope that you continue to post here and lean on this community whenever you can. You might also consider posting on the Troubled Teens board - there are many parents who have dealt with similar situations and can lend a supporting ear as well as some other resources. Hugs~

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2007
Tue, 07-10-2007 - 4:35pm
Thanks for your reply and yes I am trying to stay strong! I will try posting on that other board as well. I am really hoping that maybe just having others to talk to will be a help to me to keep my sanity through all of this ;-)