Any thoughts?
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Any thoughts?
| Tue, 07-24-2007 - 10:28am |
My DD came to me wanting to know what, if anything she should say/do about a situation that involves a friend of hers, and I'm not sure where to go with it.
N's friend E is 18 y/o, they have known each other through 4-H for about 10 years, but the only time they really socialize is when they're at 4-H activities.

Wow, Rose, that IS a tough situation. My first thought and instinct is to place E's well being above your own comfort and go speak with her mother. If you do that, you will most definitely need to leave your own opinions at the door in regards to how she's raised her dd to be so terrified of men. I guess you could just say you're not prying, but felt it was important enough to mention to her so she can speak with her dd and try to assuage some of her fears about co-ed living/education, etc., and then let it go. It really is a shame what some parents do to their kids heads.
OTOH, I was wondering if this young lady has a car, license, permission to go out once in a while. If so, perhaps she can join N on some social events - to get her feet wet so to speak, learn a little about interacting socially with boys out in the 'real world'. Perhaps if N had a little get together at your home and invited E, she could slowly learn how to be comfortable in a social setting with her peers outside of 4-H and her mother, kwim? I think that this would be my first approach - help N show her how to be socially comfortable and enjoy herself and learn to trust boys/men. If this approach didn't have at least some impact on E, then I'd suck it up and go speak with the mother.
I really feel for E because those deep rooted trust issues could really hurt her later on. Sure makes you wonder what the heck happened to the mom, doesn't it?
Good luck with this one -
I honestly don't know what to say - I guess I would ask your dd what she hopes you can accomplish by talking to the mother.
I think this poor kid needs major help, how can she function in the world if she can't get out there and meet it. If she does end up doing her studies online, then she will eventually have the problem of getting out there and working in a job.
I don't know, I certainly don't envy the position you and N are in. I guess I don't know the answer to this situation. This girl needs time to get used to the world and she really doesn't have it.
Sorry I'm not much help,
Kristie
Well, I'm just going to chime in with the others...wow...what a tough situation...
I have to agree w/Marie, that I really don't think talking to E's mom will help the situation any, especially given her past track record. Part of me feels like E's mom could possibly make things even worse (if that's possible) by intensifing E's fears rather than quelling them, kwim? On the other hand, maybe mom has no clue just exactly how terrified her dd is about all this. Who knows??? I wonder if she could talk to just her dad about her fears, without her mom's input. But, that might not do her any good either, simply because he is rarely home and possibly agrees with the mom.
Talk about being between a rock and a hard place...
I rather like h&r's suggestion about introducing E into some social situations with N. At least it will give her some kind of idea about the "social world" with a little bit of support (N). Of course, provided mom even allows E out of the house.
I wonder if E and N could go visit the campus if it is close enough, or at least check it out on the 'net if not, and see if there are some clubs or groups that E might be interested in that could possibly become something like a "safe haven" for her. A lot of universities have religious and/or academic groups that she might want to check out. Of course, there are NO guarantees that any of these won't have "wolves" in them, but hopefully not as many as just a regular social group might have (sororities/frats). Perhaps she could talk to her guidance counselor at the U.
I dread to think about what may happen to her once she gets out into the world. She has obviously zero life experiences and won't have a clue about anything. I'm afraid she will just be a sitting duck. I just can't imagine...
Thanks for all your replies.
I see no point in talking to the mom. I would worry she would simply go with the online degree, for one thing. People just dont change that easily IMO
Could YOU talk to the girl? You're good at this stuff
"DD told me you were worried about.....I know these are hard things to talk about with a mom(general terms)but you can always talk to me"
I had dated the summer after high school but was still very inexperienced going into college. Didnt have the exposure to alcohol, etc because I was so 'out of the loop'. There are all kinds of people at college and it was easy to get caught up in social events for even me-that was a positive. It wasnt like high school at all!
OTOH, I had two very close calls with guys. I was naive and indulging in either alcohol or pot each of those times. One guy asked to come back to my dorm on a weekend night and I thought 'dorm' as in people everywhere. Between partying and gals gone for the weekend, it was empty. It was frightening and I was blessed to be lucky. Still managed to set myself up AGAIN because I thought I knew the guy as we had talked in class! Again, very lucky and I somehow managed to not put myself in those situations after freshman year
She needs someone to give her practical advice. I vote for you ;)