Is anyone still tight w/their teen?

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Registered: 01-07-2007
Is anyone still tight w/their teen?
14
Tue, 03-06-2007 - 4:31pm

I read and hear all this stuff about how teens separate from their parents, how they are off in their own world, how disinterested they become in family life, and how they can go weeks at a time barely talking (much less smiling) at home.

As a 24/7 single parent of one kid, my kid has been a huge part of my life. And although he can be quite a butthead at times, he can also be wonderful company.

So I'm wondering, is this really what I have to look forward too? Or is this just a stereotype? Do some still continue to have good relationships with/enjoy the company of their families while learning how to be independent?

I don't mean to sound like I expect him to be my little date or something weird. But with only one kid and no real other family (except my own mom), I'm just realizing how hard this will be for me to adjust. I'm trying to prepare myself for what might lie ahead.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 03-06-2007 - 4:41pm
I've got a 14 year old daughter and 15 year old son, and they're both still close and interested in family life...although they do want more time with their friends and own interests than they did when they were younger. I myself was raised as the only child of a single mother, and although I remember some real battles, my mom and I always did still spend time together and do things we both enjoyed while I was in my teens. I think that sullen teenager hiding in his bedroom stereotype is far from typical.
Avatar for suzyk2118
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Registered: 07-30-1997
Tue, 03-06-2007 - 5:14pm

We have an only too; granted it's both dh and I, but we definitely see drastic separation this year (he's a freshman, currently 14.5). He spends much more time in his room, or playing video games (when permitted) at the other end of the house, or on his phone with friends, or watches his own movies vs. with us as he ALWAYS did. Now he'll watch maybe one movie/week, watch one or two tv shows with me/week, eats meals with us, but just isn't as open/chatty/friendly as before. But I've also heard 14 and 15 are the worst...I sure hope so!

Sue

ETA - I'm an only as well, and I did loads of stuff with my mom in HS and college (my dad traveled a lot for work) - we were and still are very close. I never hid myself in my room or really rebelled. DS isn't really hiding or rebelling at all either; just spending more time by himself. He's still his usual friendly self, but just more in his own world with school and friends than before. It's not horrible but it's definitely different. But I did expect it, and am getting used to it!




Edited 3/6/2007 5:18 pm ET by suzyk2118
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Registered: 11-06-2003
Tue, 03-06-2007 - 5:54pm

Remarried mom of 4 girls here. Oldest 2 are by/ex, youngest two are with DH. When DH and I met I was homeschooling the oldest two for various reasons. When we made a big move to relocate to the town he grew up in we chose to put them in public school. That was the biggest mistake I feel I've made. It took us 3 years to begin to grow closer again. We had lengthy battles with the oldest DD14 last year. Everything was a fight. With DH encouragement, I began to speak with her more as an adult, with me having the final say as a parent. She began listening more as I began listening more. It's worked out very well, and we all have grown closer as a family. We began homeschooling again at the winter break and we're all much happier. I have fond memories of playing games and watching TV with my mom, gardening and talking. I hope to create those same memories with my children.

Sallie

Avatar for mjaye2002
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-06-2007 - 6:10pm

I'm a single mom of 2 boys, 20 and 15. I've always enjoyed the company of my kids and we have always done stuff together. They did/do spend alot more time in their rooms, with their friends, and talking on the phone, but that's been okay. We still watch TV together some and we'll go to the movies or out to eat with friends. Once my first one got his license, I saw him less and less. :) #2 will be getting his soon and I figure it will be the same with him. But it's not all that bad. My house tends to be the "hang-out house" so that helps with getting to see my kids and all their friends.

It is an adjustment, but, like anything else, the pulling away happens a little at a time so it's easier to adjust~~~at least that's how it was at my house. :)

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Registered: 02-14-2000
Tue, 03-06-2007 - 6:51pm

We have 2 boys ages 16 and 19.

Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Tue, 03-06-2007 - 7:13pm

Yes my dd and I are still tight and I know other parents who also are still tight with their teens -- LOTS of parents. I can't give you advice on how to stay tight because I'm not really sure what I did to maintain this differently than other parents might. It may be a combination of good luck and our personalities more than anything deliberately done or planned quite honestly.

We talk every day when she gets home from school. I make a point of asking about her day and listening to her stories. We share jokes and stories and I try to understand and not judge. I am open to her friends coming over and I pick my battles with her. I don't obsess over little things (ie like the music she listens to or the jeans she chooses to wear) choosing instead to guide her gently to make her own decisions.

Her friends think I am "cool" not because I am easy or permissive or anything like that but because I listen to the same music, read the same books, watch the same TV shows etc. I try to keep up with what is going on in her life without being intrusive.

I cross my fingers and am grateful every day that we are still like this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Tue, 03-06-2007 - 9:29pm

Mom of 4 here - DD 15 1/2, DSs 19, 22, and 22. I'm still close to my kids, especially DD, but as they have gotten older, they develop their own lives away from the family too. One mistake I made as my DSs were getting older was not developing interests of my own separate from my kids... that took about a year or so after all 3 boys started separating at about the same time. That doesn't mean that they became sullen and uncommunicative - just that they wanted to spend more time with their friends, phone and their own interests than they did with mom and dad. (and my DH travels a lot with work, so he's not around more than he is)

I'm still close to the kids now, but I have my own interests too. The one that I was the closest to for years is now married and living half way across the country, and I only talk to him about once a week... but when he's home, he's still very much into family life, and the other kids are too, when it fits into their schedules. But as I type this, I'm sitting here all alone... have no clue where DSs are or when they'll be home (but it'll likely be before midnight coz I haven't heard they won't be yet) and DD is at her b/f's house helping him set up his gecko house for his new critter. Two years ago, this would be really upsetting to me, but I have plenty to keep me busy without having the kids here - and I know they'll be back eventually. In fact, I just got back from helping DD and her b/f find crickets to feed his critter - his mom has to work 3rd shift tonight, and she was sleeping while we were looking for crickets.
Rose

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 9:21am

Hi Karen. I am mom to two dds (19 and 17). My oldest is at college and we talk nearly everyday, we're very close and she shares a lot about her life with me. When she was around 14/15 she did that separating thing you described and it was fairly painful for me to let go and allow her the space to grow on her own and detach from me. But it was kind of like that old song, something like, "hold on loosely, but don't let go". That's exactly how I would describe it. I recall my mom telling me, "don't worry, she will come back to you - you never lose a daughter" and she was right. We're closer than ever now and I think in large part it was because I was able to hold on loosely (not to make anyone gag, but that's just how I see it-lol). With my 17dd, things are slightly different. She has been my challenging daughter. However, we ARE still close and although she can be sneaky or impulsive, in the end she usually comes to me and tells what's going on in her life. She did not have the maturity that my older dd had and so her years of rebellion/separating have lasted a bit longer (she's also bipolar so that doesn't help). But, like I said above, she and I are still close. She tells me about some of her life, and she can be herself when I'm around her and her friends, she wants me to hang out with her friends, which is a big deal I think. We definitely have a dynamic to our relationship that makes being close difficult at times, but I think she'd agree that she's closer with me than most of her friends are with thier parents.

>>I'm just realizing how hard this will be for me to adjust. I'm trying to prepare myself for what might lie ahead.>>

I think it's awesome that you're thinking about this now so you can prepare yourself for when OR if that separation happens. It doesn't always and it definitely does not have to be a difficult time in your relationship. It's important for your son to develop into the man he wants to be. He will need to make some choices for himself, and there may even be some wrong choices along the way but how else will he learn? I think it's important for you to let him know you're there for him, but give him his space. Take the opportunity to enjoy his development and *hopefully* watch the fruits of your labor! I recall crying on the phone to my mom when my dd came home from school crying and when I asked what was wrong, she said "Nothing!" and ran to her room and closed me out. It was 3-4 days before she finally confided in me and asked for my advice. Those 3-4 days were so difficult. I wanted to ask her about it, pry, and beg her to tell me what was going on, but I knew I couldn't. All I said to her was if she needed me, I'd be there for her and that I loved her. It's so hard to take a step back. Anyway, best of luck, you'll do fine!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 11:21am

I think that just because your teenager probably won't be spending as much time w/ you doesn't mean that you don't have a good relationship. I see the big diff. between my 11 yo DS and my 18 yo DD. My son of course is too young to go out much w/ friends, so he's at home most of his free time. He will ask me to play a game w/ him or every night he wants me to watch Jeopardy w/ him and he will keep score. We also watch American idol together.

Now my DD has school, a part-time job, which she will now be giving up temp. to do track, which means practices every day after school. She also has a social life where she has to be out doing things constantly on the weekends. She also likes to go to the school sporting events which might be on a school night. So it's like I hardly ever see her. When she's home, she has dinner w/ the fam. Also sometimes we will go to my mother's on a Sunday. Things were complicated by the fact that I got remarried 4 yrs. ago and she has never really liked my DH or his DD but things seem at least civil lately.

On the other hand, she does tell me what's going on w/ her friends, school and we talk about college. I have heard from people w/ older kids that they tend to pull away in the high school years, then by the time you want to be around them again, they are ready to go to college.

I think you need to look into some activities or hobbies for yourself so you won't feel lonely when he starts going out w his friends. I know I enjoy my free time when the kids are w/ their father.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2010
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 12:56pm

Hi! I am not a parent but a 23 year old female. I am moved out and married and I am still very close with my mom! I see her twice a week and we talk daily, sometimes several times. We also email eachother too!

I think of my mom as my best friend besides my husband. We get along really great.

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