Appropriate ??
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| Thu, 10-13-2005 - 1:39pm |
Hey there. I have a situation I was wondering if I could get your opinions on...
A little background...
I live with my SO, my DD (15 yrs old), my DS (13 years old) and my SO's DD (for this purpose I'll use SD when refering to his daughter) whom is 17 years old and will be 18 in three months. We have been living together since May and something happened last night that sort of caught me off guard. I know we are all in a learning process -- getting to know everyone's quirks and all but...
Last night my SD (17 yr old) and her boyfriend watched a scary movie (the ring two -- I believe). After the movie -- she wanted her boyfriend to tuck her into bed and stay with her until she fell asleep because she was scared. She told us it would only be 5 minutes cause she was really tired. My SO said ok. Her boyfriend did that and then went home. In the middle of the around 11-12 pm my SO rec'd a phone call on his cell phone from his daughter's cell phone. She was in her room and she was scared and she wanted him to come and sleep with her.
He told me what he was doing -- and that he would be back soon. He came back to "our" bed at 5:30 am after he heard my DD alarm go off for getting up to go to school.
I was kind of disturbed by this. I think it is kind of weird / creepy, whatever. But it was only one night and I was just going to not think anymore into it. So today I asked him -- What if she is still scared tonight and wants you to sleep with her again? He said of course he would if she wanted him to. That is his job as a father to make sure she feels safe.
I know my SO and me have two different backgrounds and we raised our kids differently -- but I just don't see how he is helping the situation by sleeping in the same bed as his 17 year old daughter. She is suppose to be learning how to be independent. Not that she needs a man in her bed to make it through a night. I feel if she can't handle scary movies then don't watch them. She is 17 years old -- I'm sure she has come across scary movies before. This wasn't the first one she has watched.
My SO feels I'm just jealous of his daughter. I think I just find his parenting style a little too different than mine. I don't believe a father should be sleeping in the same bed as his 17 year daughter.
I don't know -- am I blowing this out of apportion? Is it okay for a father to run to his daughter's bed when she is scared and spend the rest of the night there? Maybe I am jealous?
Opinions??
Thanks

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Ummm. yeah red flag way up here!
If she is so scared about having to sleep in her own bed, put her out on the couch or somewhere where you can watch her too. If anyone knew that her father was sleeping with her in her own bed, child services would be alerted and there would be an investigation.
Being scared of a movie at 17, seems a little weird. Is she ok for her age? Emotionally, educationally??
My three year old wont' sleep in her own bed (divorce, long story), but then she sleeps in the living room where she can see my door and I can hear her.
Another thought, if he is accusing you of being jealous, why would he ask that if he was not doing something innappropriate with his daughter. Ask him why would you be jealous, if you are the only person he is having sexual relations with. See what he says to that...
I sure would not look at him the same way again. It does happen, even to people that you would say "NO, not him, he seems so nice..." Incest is an epidemic for a reason, and it does happen, in the best of families.... My prayers are with you, and I hope for your families sake, everything is innocent and just "Weird"...
Lark
Tobylady, that was a really good response you gave. I didn't think of it from that perspective, but I see what you're saying in regards to the SO playing both parenting roles. However, I also played both parenting roles as did my exH when my girls were at his house for the week. Regardless of what it was that spooked them, I very strongly discouraged them having the need, or satisfying thier need, to have a bedmate for the night. I would go in, calm them, sit by the side of the bed until they either felt okay or fell asleep and then go back to my own bed. When they were really little, I might lay down with them but not really past the age of 12. I just didn't think it was a good idea. There are ways of helping them to feel secure within thier own bed, alone, and recognize that it was just a movie, or just a dream, or just a noise.
My 17dd, up until about a year and a half ago, would sometimes sneak into MY room in the middle of the night and camp out on the bare floor with just a thin blanket and pillow when she got scared and she got scared over everything (in particular thinking that someone could break into the house)! My H and I would laugh with her about it but also try to help her get to bed okay and stay in her own room by walking around with her before bed to check the doors and windows are locked, etc. It helped her a lot - she's no longer afraid at night when she hears noises, but she does have her bed facing the door so she can see down the hall.
If my dd was having a nightmare and my H went to soothe her but didn't return until 5 AM, I'd have a word or two with both H and dd separately. But that's just me and maybe I'm just paranoid, but something about that arrangement sounds a little to unhealthy to me.
Thanks for all of your replies.
In one of your replies you asked if she was ok emotionally, mentally??
For the most part she is. Like I said before she was raised a little different than I have raised my kids. She has an extremely tough outward appearance. She'll kick anyone's a@# per say. She will raise hell with anyone whether it is a peer or an adult. But she is scared to be home alone. She is scared to walk outside when it is dark -- I mean even just to go to her car in the driveway. This is an everyday issue. Not just because of the movie. The "bed" thing was because of the movie but being scared of everything else is just the way she was raised.
Nothing has ever happened to her. She was never attacked or anything. We don't live nor has she ever lived in a "bad" neighborhood. I just think she was always catered to. Someone always "held her hand" so to speak.
I'm sure I'm sticking my nose where it doesn't belong, but I feel she needs to learn other coping skills to get over these things. She graduates this year from High School. I can't imagine her going off to college or living away from her parents on her own because she can't be home alone. Maybe she needs some counseling or something. Like I said before -- I don't know, it's his daughter and if he wants her to be totally dependant on him for the rest of her life (maybe that's his intent) then that is his choice. I will have to decide if I can live with someone who feels the need to be at his grown daughters side to scare away the "boogy" man 24/7.
Thanks again for your opinions.
My dd, 14, has been so scared after watching certain movies that she crawls into bed with me and poor long-suffering dh ends up on the couch! There have only been 2 occurances of this, so we just let it be. I don't think she'll be going to scary movies anytime soon - if she even sees a commercial for one she gets scared. I'm worse (but old enough to know better than to watch them) - I remember calling my dad from my room (I had my own phone) because I heard scary noises! I think I was about 17 at the time - there's no age limit on being a scardey cat.
I would, however, encourage SO to find another way to comfort her. He could sit with her until she falls asleep or get up with her and have a glass of warm milk and let her fall asleep on the couch.
If she's truly scared (and it sounds like she was), you can't talk her out of it. Fear is not rational.
It sounds like his intentions were good - he just maybe needs to fine-tune his approach.
Good luck (and sweet dreams)
jt
Ok, maybe I'M the weird one here, but I wouldn't give dad comforting DD a second thought BUT, I would have concerns about the boyfriend "tucking" her into bed---this seems more creepy/weird to me than the dad...........I think that type of behavior falls into the 'intimate' category---not sexual per se, but there is an intimacy that is breached when bedrooms, beds and 'tucking in' is occuring.............and at 17 almost 18, well, still too young for boys to be in the bedroom.................
My dad was out of town one time, and I was sick. He kept telling me to just suck it up, that I had a cold and deal with it.........long story short, I ended up convincing him to allow me to go to the dr. and had a major throat and ear infection. I was 17 or 18 at the time---my dad always thought I 'over-reacted' so imagine how bad he felt......my ear hurt SOOOOOO bad that night, that he ended up laying next to me for a large portion of the night holding warm washcloths over my ear---we both slept---he did go back to his own room at some point, but there was nothing inappropriate, nothing wrong at all......this question wouldn't be occuring if it were a MOTHER that did this.........
My friends all think it is really weird that I hang out w/ my dad----but I can guarantee that nobody would think it were odd if it were my MOM.........my parents divorced when I was 15, I chose to live w/ my dad (my mom and I are close too.....no weird secrets or anything---but as an emotional 15 yr old, I thought dad may be lonely---as it turned out MOM was lonely, because my brother followed me instead of choosing to stay w/ mom----my only beef with their divorce is they put the choice on us.............)my mom lives 6 hrs away now, so I hang out w/ dad!! anyway, a parent is just that-----my 15 yo son curled up w/ me for a few minutes the other night in my bed to 'talk'. It was a precious time for me as he is usually surly and selfish.........I treasured those few minutes.
I tend to see the world thru rose colored glasses, and would assume it was innocent until I was given something to say otherwise. Let the dad be a dad---his daughter will be gone soon enough!
Shels
This is a personal comfort level for both you and your husband. My sister has 3 kids (22 male, 19 male and almost 18 female) and I know they all slept with her if they were scared - up until about 1-2 years ago. She's had a very close relationship with all of them, though I will say her husband is gone a lot for business.
I could see maybe she sleep on the sofa or at the foot of your bed or on the floor in your room as options. I also think the 'no more scary movies' is a good thing too. Some kids aren't emotionally mature enough even if they are 17 and can go into an R-rated movie alone now. LOL
Carrie
This is quite odd..
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From both of their perspectives this appears to be quite innocent. Way out of bounds, weird and inappropriate...but innocent. I'm basing this on the fact that *she* asked him into her bed. This would tend to rule out incest.
The bigger problem is your SO has some strange ideas about his role as a father for his 17 yr. old DD. I want my DD to feel safe too. There are ways of empowering our DD's and giving them confidence without resorting to crawling into bed with them. Frankly, I think that's off the whacko scale regardless of his pure intentions. Something (perhaps the divorce?) made her quite needy and insecure. I would wonder why Dad is keeping her that way.
His conclusion that you're "jealous" because of your concerns, shows his head is quite solidly in the sand. It looks like family therapy would be a good idea. Unfortunately, any therapist worth his/her salt will want to talk to DD alone quite extensively given their propensity for bedtime comforting.
Thanks again for everyone's response.
I wasn't too concern with incest -- knowing them and the way they act. I just thought it a little weird.
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That is exactly what I wanted to get across to my SO. And it just came across as if I'm jealous.
Oh, well. We'll deal with it if it comes up again. Last night her sister (that normally stays with their mother) spent the night and slept with her. So my SO didn't have to deal with it last night. We'll see how the weekend goes.
Thanks again.
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