attempted (but failed) abduction (OT?)

Avatar for arwen12
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
attempted (but failed) abduction (OT?)
13
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 1:24pm

Hi everyone,
It's been awhile since I've been on this board - I changed jobs a few months ago which limited my access.

Anyway, you guys are the first place I thought to go for some advice, which may be considered off topic since it isn't necessarily teen related.

Here's the story:
A few weeks ago, my 10yo SD was waiting at the bus stop and was approached by this older man - about 60yo. He stopped his car and asked her and her friend to 'help him open his trunk because it was stuck'. She did the absolute right thing and put 2+2 together, yelled to her friend and they both ran to their homes. A lady nearby saw the events and called the police. He was found near the car, the backseats were turned down and there was duct tape in the car. He was arrested for luring and attempt to abduct.

SD is fine, though was somewhat shaken and scared that morning, she was praised for doing the right thing and was fine by day end (while all the adults dealt with the corresponding anxiety and heart attacks that come with hearing that your kid was almost abducted). Remember that these things don't always happen to someone else. Always keep an eye on your kids.

Anyway, today another article comes out in the paper stating that he confessed to wanting to rape them. The authorities are doing all the right things and have escalated his charges to attempted rape and attempted kidnapping. He seems to have psychological problems, not sure how that will play into this. Personally, I don't care if he goes to jail or a psych ward, just as long as he stays off the streets and out of the community.

So, I come out of my hibernation (and risk a slap on the hand if anyone catches me on this site from work) to ask all of you wise mom's and dad's for some advice.

My DH (SD's bioDad) is, clearly, beside himself - as is, of course, her bioMom.

DH doesn't know how to approach this with SD and/or if (or when) counseling for her might be warranted. While yes, my own emotions are playing havoc on me because I love my SD very much and the thought of her being hurt like this is emotionally jarring, to say the least, I understand that I need to be there for my DH as well as my SD.

Any wise words?
Thanks to all...
Anne

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Avatar for heartsandroses2002
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 1:42pm

Hi Anne, Whether or not your ds will need counseling largely depends on how traumatic the incident was for her. Because she was strong enough to do the right thing and flee the scene and report it to authorities and maintain her calm in an otherwise potentially traumatic situation means that it was less likely to cause any emotional or intellectual scarring. Socially, however, it could have lasting effects, such as feeling safe in her neighborhood, around older men who are strangers, men in general, etc.

I think that your H might benefit from seeking counseling so he can not only process his own feelinds surrounding what happened with his dd, but also so he can learn techniques on how to talk with her dd about this without feeling strange about it or making her uncomfortable.

When my dd was lured off the internet and taken out of state and sexually assaulted, I was sure she was scarred for life. Just last night her counselor told me that she doesn't think that my dd is suffering Post Trauma from this incident any longer. She WAS having nightmares and wanted to kill herself. But she's processed bits and peices over the past 9 months and she's in a good place right now. Initially, my H and I both sought counseling, because in all honesty, WE were a wreck - blaming ourselves, feeling helpless and powerless, angry, vengeful, etc. My H in particular really needed support so he was ensured that we did all we could do and that our job now was to simply be there for dd. The initial counselor for dd was good, but I think she probably shut down at some point because she got sick of talking about it and just wanted it to go away; then came the nightmares, so despite her best efforts to bury the anguish she felt, it came out in her dreams. Fortunately, she's doing well now.

I hope that your H and you and sd's biomom find a way to deal with this incident and process the feelings surrounding it and find peace in knowing that the guy's going away. And I marvel at your sd's strength and fortitude! What an amazing girl = she deserves many pats on the back!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 2:09pm

Ok, I can (unfortunately) speak from experience here. First of all, I'm very glad your SD is safe and was quick on her feet.

2 years ago this weekend, my dd (then 8) and her best friend/neighbor (then 9) were playing outside and wanted to walk "around the block" - now, around the block in our neighborhood is 4 houses on each side of the block - and they know someone on each side. They weren't 3 houses from ours when a man in an older van stopped and asked them if they had seen his puppy. The girls said no and kept walking. When they turned the corner, he had turned around and was there again and told them he had found his puppy and asked if they wanted to see it. That was when they realized what was up and ran home. My neighbor called the police and they didn't find him - for 3 days! Fortunately for us, he tried the same thing on some high school girls in a neighboring community and they got his license plate number. When the police arrested him, they called the girls in to identify him by his photo. A high school neighbor boy came down and said he had seen him talking to the girls and stopped working in his yard to make sure they were ok - so he was a witness too.

In the end, he ended up getting some slap on the wrist and is out wandering the streets again - he was 26 years old, married with a baby. As far as counseling goes, both girls were fine. I don't think they realized exactly what could have happened to them. As you said, us adults were completely freaked out (and still are!) They didn't have to testify because he pled down to a lesser charge. I would keep an eye on her, but the more we dwelled on it with my daughter, the more she thought about it. We just praised her for being smart and doing the right thing.

Hugs - Jill

Mom to Emily (18), Conor (17) and Hannah (12)
Wife to David - 8/20/88

 

 

Avatar for momtb4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 2:27pm
I don't have any advice at all, but this sure makes me wanna keep my kids in the house for the rest of their lives!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 2:31pm

No words of wisdom or btdt experience from me either -- just make sure you give SD lots of hugs and tell her how proud you are of her for being so level-headed!

Makes ME want to keep my kids inside forever too ...

Best wishes,
Julie

Avatar for mily12
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 6:21pm

You've already received some terrific advice from the others and I don't have anything to add. I just want to offer my support. You're SD reacted admirably. She did exactly was was necesary to save herself and her friend and she helped stop it from happening to anyone else.

HeartsandRoses, I believe you told us about your DD's abduction, however, I was unaware of the extent of it. I think at the time you posted, she hadn't revealed the entire story. I'll say an extra prayer for her (and for you), eventhough she's doing better now.

Mily

Avatar for mily12
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 6:26pm

I'm furious!!! A slap on the wrist and now the guy is out on the streets again? I can't believe it. Does someone need to be abuducted in order for this guy to be sent away? That's abominable.

Thank goodness your DD had the courage and wisdom to realize what this guy wanted. At the same time, thank goodness she didn't have knowledge of what could have happened.

Hugs to all,

Mily

Avatar for arwen12
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 6:51pm

Hi and thanks for your advice...
I spoke to DH and he is considering counseling - for himself - because fortunately, kids are resilient, it's the adults that have the harder time dealing.
He and his ex (SD's bioMom) are going to talk to her about the article - letting her know what this guys true intentions were (since they are worse than we were originally told) because she should hear it from them and not from the paper or anyone else who read the article. They are going to keep it very matter of fact, but I know when he comes home from that talk, he'll be a wreck. I know that the inner turmoil of his emotions are pretty huge right now, though he seems better this evening than he did this morning.

Sorry to hear about your DD - it is such a difficult thing to go through, though I am happy to hear she is doing better now.

I usually pick up on some philosophy to get me through times like this and one that comes to mind is that 'what doesn't kill us makes us stronger'. So, while we all have to deal with some level of unfortunate circumstance throughout the course of our lives, we can always think that we are now a stronger person because of it - as I'm sure your DD is.
I know that is true for me and my struggles and for my DD and her struggles, though they were nowhere near as traumatic as sexual assault.
This is a good one for SD - she can look back and feel proud, and yet be aware that this kind of thing doesn't always happen on the news - sometimes it hits closer to home.
Same for DH - though - it may take him more time - poor guy.

Thanks so much - I appreciate your kindness!

Avatar for arwen12
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 8:00pm

Hi and thanks for your kind thoughts and words...

We actually thought the same thing would happen here, until he confessed(!) to wanting to sexually abuse them while in custody! The guy has some serious psychological issues.

But, had he not confessed, it is very likely he would have also gotten a slap on the wrist. The neighbors were trying to start a petition to get him out of the neighborhood - I don't know if that would have been successful, but they were trying.

Anyway, it is awful to think - to know - that there are really predators out there.
So, frightening.

Fortunately, nothing serious happened for your DD (or my SD!), but it is still frightening to think how close it was!

Hugs to you and thanks!

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-23-2006 - 8:44am

'what doesn't kill us makes us stronger'

This is so true. Likewise, 'in every situation, there is good'. Although you may wonder what good could possibly come from something so bad...in my dd's case, good did come from it. My dd was on a path of self destruction, talking with strangers on line, behaving in a risky manner, just being a little more than reckless and impulsive in her behavior. There was several good things that came out of that incident, the first of course being that she is alive, but also, she and I have grown very close - something I've always tried to be with her for years, but she was always so secretive. Another good thing is that she tells me about her life, her thoughts, her plans, etc., now - some things I would rather not even know! Also, she wants to be home more, she isn't as wrapped up in being on line anymore, she hangs with a nice few friends - no more loser bad asses. She's doing better in school and she realizes that she needs to protect herself. And she trusts me and H more than she ever has. We allow her to be the individual that she wants to be (she has pink hair) and in return we enjoy a closer more open relationship with her.

I think having an open discussion with sd is great - she needs to know that dangers that 'might have been' as well as how proud everyone is that she did the right thing. An open conversation will also help your H feel like he has some level of control over the situation - something that parents often feel they don't have in a situation like this. It will be reassuring for everyone that they can come together for her well-being and discuss thing openly, without fear of anger or embarrassment.

Hugs~

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Thu, 02-23-2006 - 9:08am
I agree that you've already gotten some great advice in this very scary situation. Fortunately, your sd is most likely clueless as to HOW scary this really is and will probably put this aside much sooner than the adults in her life. Jill was absolutely right about not dwelling on it (in front of her). Dealing with it as adults is a different story. You and your dh might want to talk to a counselor just to work through your own feelings but your sd will probably be just fine on her own. I'm so glad she's ok and that she was such a smart, brave girl!

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