Attitude, unmotivated, seems to hate me

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2006
Attitude, unmotivated, seems to hate me
9
Mon, 04-24-2006 - 1:40pm
My DD13 has had such an attitude lately. I don’t know if I can even express it in words because so much of it is subtle with a lot of history. Most of her life she was an only child (the baby was born this past summer), so she never really had any siblings to argue with, and she ALWAYS wanted to make me and her Dad proud, so we never had any behavior problems from her, plus it was easy to make her happy because with only 1, we could pretty much afford to satisfy her every whim. But in hindsight I know I should have made her do chores or something to develop character. For heavens sake, I even cleaned her room up until about 1 ½ ago. Now it is completely wiped out, with clean clothes and dirty clothes everywhere. When I tell her to clean her room she goes in there and shuts the door, MAYBE starts on it but doesn’t finish because it is such a HUGE job, then it gets messed up again. The only time she has ever had it really clean lately is when I “show” her how, which doesn’t happen very often because I’m busy chasing the crawling baby around the house. She is REALLY letting her grades go, too. She was always an A/B student. This year she made her 2nd “C” ever, and this past 6 weeks her first “F”. Believe me, I lost sleep over that F. (She was accepted into a magnet school based on all of her grades up through the first semester.) It is a HUGE CHORE to get her to even do her homework. She tells me she already did it at school, or that she doesn’t have any. Sometimes she actually does her homework at home, and forgets to turn it in. (She has one teacher who doesn’t take late work, so when she forgets to turn in work to him she gets a zero, ON SOMETHING THAT SHE DID! She doesn’t seem to care!) She is ALWAYS at home. She will sit in the living room watching TV or playing on the computer. If something happens and we “irritate” her, she will get up and go to her room and watch TV in there. All weekend long I was on her about 3 worksheets that I knew she had to do for the class that she failed, and she has to read an assigned book for her English class. She just wanted to read a different book and watch TV.
She said she doesn’t like “how” I tell her things, regarding chores and responsibility (straight face, calmly stating the facts). She walked off in the middle of me telling her that she want gong to get her full allowance because she didn’t do all of her chores. I made her come back and hear me out, she sat there with a look on her face like she didnt give a d*#@ what I was was saying and she suffering through my lecture.
Another thing is MYSPACE. I know a lot of you don’t like it, but I’m on there and my husband and my brothers and sisters, so we all keep up with each other with it. Our accounts are set to private. So she was using language that we don’t agree with, and putting alcohol related and drug related messages on her page. I told her to remove those things because she shouldn’t talk that way and promote those types of things, she doesn’t drink or use drugs, so why would she make it look as though she does? (And I know she doesn’t because like I said earlier, she is ALWAYS at home. This school year she has only spent the night away 2 times). But she really seems to resent me over this my space. I’ve asked her why she would say that she has done these things if she hasn’t and she gets REALLY angry at me for suggesting that she is lying, like she is embarrassed or something(then she shuts down or just walks off). She says all of her friends think I’m weird because I use text messaging and have an account on MYSPACE. She gets mad at me when she says Im “trying to be all parental”, like calling her teachers to check on her.
I feel really badly for her on the weekends when she is calling her aunt or grandmother trying to make plans because she doesn’t have anyone to hang out with from school. I don’t really bring it up with her because she doesn’t seem to want to talk about it.
She told me last night that she was around us too much, and that she gets sick of us. She said she would like to be gone every weekend.
I’m really worried about her, is she “depressed”? She is on again off again with her friends, and she is always changing who she is friends with, so she doesn’t have anyone she is really close to. She will be at a new school next year and I worry that she will fall into the wrong crowd. I plan to get her tested for ADD. I’ve heard that gone untreated that can lead to all sorts of problems, and I wonder if that is the case here. She is so unmotivated. How do I demand respect? Can I demand respect?
I’m sorry this is so long and rambly. I really can’t even make a lot of sense of this myself so it is hard to communicate it. Any advice would be appreciated.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Mon, 04-24-2006 - 4:04pm

All I can say is "welcome to the fray". Your dd sounds like a normal teen to me - isn't it fun? Basically, she no longer cares to do anything for the sole purpose of making you proud. Whatever she is going to do from here on will probably have more to do with what she wants, and little if anything to do with what you want.

It's going to be different for you, since you've never had these issues, but now you're going to have to implement standards (whatever they may be for your family, such as nothing lower than a C, or in your case it may be a B) and then follow through when she doesn't meet them. Obviously, you should have other requirements as well - you'll have to decide those as well but a 13yo should have chores to do around the house. You can reward her with an allowance.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Mon, 04-24-2006 - 6:52pm

A certain amount of what you're talking about is normal teenage girl stuff, but maybe to the extreme.

Avatar for audreyoka
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-24-2006 - 7:41pm

I've been a member of iVillage for as far back as I can remember. However it was not until today that I found this particular board.

I am mom to two girls, ages 16 and 23.

My 16 year does a lot of what you described. What was helpful to us was to work with a counselor who gave both us suggestions. While I was frustrated, so was my daughter. Most insurance companies will cover a minimum 10 sessions which is all we ended up needing.

Being mom to a teenager can truly be overwhelming. Having some non biased, non judgmental suggestions was a blessing.

I do hope you'll find comfort in knowing you are not alone and many many others can relate personally.

Audrey :)
http://www.scrapping-made-simple.com

Avatar for audreyoka
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-24-2006 - 9:25pm

I wanted to add one more comment. When my oldest daughter was 10, I began working online. I co owned a community first on eWorld and then on AOL. So, here was my teenager trying to explain to her friends how her mom had an AOL account, IM'd with folks, etc. Most of her friends parents didn't even know what the letters IM stood for.

While I don't have a myspace account, both of my kids do and they laugh that their mom does indeed have two blogs, just not on myspace LOL.

Audrey :)
http://www.scrapping-made-simple.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2006
Tue, 05-09-2006 - 4:51pm

Sounds to me like your daughter might be a little depressed. And she might have a little ADD or ADHD. She may need some counseling so as to get deep down and see what the real problem might be. It's a scary world outside the home for mny teenagers. Because, besides having to deal with harmones and all that stuff, they are around things that they shouldn't have to be around every day. Sex, drugs, alcohol, being popular, etc. But I definitely would look further into things. I am not trying to scare you or anything, but just because a teenager is at home all the time does not mean that they could not be taking drugs. My son, who is returning this week from a rehab, used to take drugs by going to the bathroom, in his room with the door closed. It only takes a minute to pop a pill. I wish you all the best and hang in there.

Judy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2005
Wed, 05-10-2006 - 3:06pm

She sounds very much like a normal teenager to me. Sorry I don't have any advice for you on this one. I'm still in the early stages myself. My son will be 13 in a few months, so I'm not officially there yet, but I know of the the attitude of which you speak.

stacy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2010
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 10:43am

I am not a mom but I have to ask why did you not say anything about punishments in your post? If she comes home with C's, Won't clean her room or do her homework and watches to much TV and plays to much computer, why not punish her?

If I had posted drug and alochol related stuff online my computer would have been taken away so fast and I would not have seen it for a long time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2006
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 11:57am
I guess I wasn't sure which way to go with the punishment when I posted the thread.
What we have done is this....
1. No computer or TV (all computers and TVs in the house are password protected-except for the Histroy Channel and National Geographic)
2. I visit her myspace account w/her 1x a day to delete inappropriate remarks left there by her "friemds".\
3. She is not allowed to go to the home of a friend unless I know them and their parents well, and approve.
4. No-one comes over to our house unless her room is clean and she has done her chores (she goes nowhere either until that is done).
5. She gets to school 45 min. early 2x week for tutoring.
At first her displeasure with this was very evident. Now she seems to be okay with it. Things have calmed down and she is quite respectful. She still trys to find ANYTHING to do besides clean and homework. She now distracts herself by playing with the baby or talking to me, I enjoy her doing both- so she is very clever.
She hasn't let go of wanting to hang out with the friend, "J" who is on probation for being caught with drugs and fighting (i mentioned this in another post). I am still very firm on the fact that she will not go to this girls house, and if she wishes to see her it will be with me present, after she has done her chores. So we havent actually faced that yet. I am planning on posting an update when I get a chance, work is very busy right now, being the end of the school year and all.
Thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2010
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 5:40pm

That sounds really good to me, and would have been what my mother did when I was her age. I can remember hating my mom at that age for taking TV and nintendo but now that I am 22 I am thankful that she did it and she is now my best friend.

When I was in HS in order to see my boyfriend on the weekends and have my one hour of phone time a night I had to maintain a C Average, if I didn't he and everything else I liked was taken away. You better believe I got good grades!

As for the other girl, my ex best friend sounds like her friend. We were friends since before school but once she got into high school she started doing drugs and things I was not into. I stopped being friends with her. Hopefully your daughter will see friends like that are not worth having. I never did anything with my friend because I was scared she would do something dumb like steal and I would get in trouble for it too!

Good luck!