Back Again in Shock

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2004
Back Again in Shock
17
Sat, 09-04-2010 - 12:38pm

DH is away for weekend.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2008
Sat, 09-04-2010 - 1:07pm

I'm sorry you're left to deal with a difficult SS. As for the computer- time for all the parental controls you can get and explain that those porn sites AND possibly Facebook are KNOWN virus spreaders and something you refuse to have YOUR computer subject to.


So far I don't have the blocks on my computer and none of those allowed to use it have Facebook, or if they do (say if my adult DD wanted to use it) that is one site I have said is not to be accessed from my computer. My 15yo does have a "My Space" and at 15 I don't look over her shoulder but she knows I am to be allowed access at any time and occaisonally monitor the History. She also knows if there is any questionable behavior on MY computer, I will password the whole thing and delete her accounts.


Ummm, that thing about the adult next door neighbor- I find that pretty weird. What kind of relationship does she have with SS? That is definately something I'd want looked into, it sounds like in your current family dynamic dad will have to be the one to do it. I hope dad agrees that it's a little creepy.


Deep breaths...is dad gone for the whole long weekend? More deep breaths...I'll be here off and on provided my comp dosen't poop out on me, I get the weekend ALONE until Monday afternoon! I LOVE my solitude even though I worry.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2004
Sat, 09-04-2010 - 3:09pm

Thanks for the reply.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2005
Sat, 09-04-2010 - 3:21pm

Do adults who friend kids allow them to say this on facebook?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Sat, 09-04-2010 - 3:22pm

Uh, I'm friends on FB with several of my son's friends, including the 14yo neighbor (male) AND his mom. I don't see anything wrong with that. He's a good kid and knows he's always welcome here. Of course, our house is a lot of my son's friend's "second home" I'm I'm known as "Mama M******" (my last name) instead of Mrs. M******.

Yes, porn is a lot more accessible nowadays than when we were young. My brothers had Playboys in their room and we've caught our 16yo with some pretty questionable history on his computer. Also, when my son (15yo--I can't remember the last time the 16yo was even on FB) posts something I find inappropriate on his FB page I make him delete it. It doesn't happen too often, but then again he's my easy child. I think you should talk to your dh when he gets home and have his discuss it with your ss. He probably won't listen to you anyway, and he may get nasty with you. Maybe his dad can have a talk with him about that, too. Hugs and good luck.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2004
Sat, 09-04-2010 - 3:47pm
Thank you.
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Registered: 01-05-2005
Sat, 09-04-2010 - 5:22pm

Avatar for sabrtooth
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Registered: 12-03-1999
Sat, 09-04-2010 - 5:52pm
It does not matter what WE think, or what WE want, it matters what YOU think and want. Do you want your child watching porn? Do you want your child posting profane, sexually explicit things on Facebook? If that's all ok with you, then continue to ignore it. If you don't like it, or want it in your house, SAY SO, and turn it off. It does NOT matter if your child is 2, 12, or 20. If you don't want it in your house or on your computer, that's the rule.

And this isn't 1950. Don't say "wait till your father gets home". That's why he doesn't respect YOU. Don't say, "he's NOT my child". He's living in your house, you are supporting and raising him, he's YOUR child. If you had a foster child living in your house, would you call up the bio parents and see what THEY think before you provided discipline? Remember when YOU were a kid, and told your mom, "But Joanie's mom lets her do this!" Did your mom say, "OK then, hold that thought. I'm going to run this by Joanie's mom, and see what she says." OR did she say, "I am not Joanie's mom, and you are not Joanie. I don't CARE what Joanie's mom say. If everybody else jumped off a bridge, do you think I'd let you jump too?"
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2005
Sat, 09-04-2010 - 6:16pm

And this isn't 1950. Don't say "wait till your father gets home".


That's not the vibe I got from this. I often wait to talk things over with dh, and he does the same with me. It's not because I'm a 50s mom or because dh is stepdad to some (or at least he was before adopting them). Sometimes it's just because I want to talk it over with my partner, make sure we're on the same page, etc... Sometimes I'm so mad I just want to give it a few hours and think things through in a rational manner. Unfortunately, two days probably won't make a difference. It's not good, absolutely, but that horse is out of the gate.


I do completely agree about age. Our oldest turned 20 this week and we still have rules about what is done at our house. We can't police what gets done at the dorm, or her bf's house, or her best friend's or her grandparents... but we CAN still have our rules, for our house.


Theresa

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 09-04-2010 - 6:24pm

Access to porn is so much easier today than in the last generation when kids actually had to go to a store & buy a magazine to look. The thing is that although I think it's natural to be curious, the stuff that's accessable on computers now is so much more explicit than what used to be in Playboy. I would wonder though how much he has been able to access since most porn sites require a credit card to see much--although I'm sure you can see enough from the home page. It definitely could cause virus problems. W/ my old computer somehow we got a virus and all of a sudden porn sites would pop up--I remember my DS, who was very young at the time saying "Hey, Mom come here. There is something on the computer that I don't think you would want me to see."

As far as putting stuff on FB, what kids will put on their pages varies greatly. I seriously doubt my DS would post that kind of stuff, but before I say anything I should really look. Mostly he uses it to communicate w/ his friends and I don't think they would be impressed by the swearing & sex stuff. Some kids use it to look cool. I have gone on my 21 yr old DD's FB page & a lot of kids use bad langugage but not many will put up sexy stuff. I think a lot of kids don't get how once things go on the internet, they are on there forever and can't really be erased.

Unlike Sabrtooth, who is happily married to her 1st DH, I've been divorced & in the stepparent situation so I definitely would leave this to dad, esp. since it seems like your DSS doesn't have that great of a relationship w/ you. The fact that his mom is one of his friends really doesn't mean much if she doesn't go on her computer & check. And I wouldn't read that much into the neighbor thing. People can have hundreds of FB friends if they are so inclined. My DD has about 800-so I assume that everyone she ever met is her FB friend. But once my DS' former GF asked to be my friend--I said no because I don't really want young teenagers to know my business anyway. My page is for my friends. But he is friends w/ this ex GF's mom.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2009
Sat, 09-04-2010 - 6:46pm

<<>>

Normally I suggest to other step-parents that they disengage like I did. The thing is that I was rarely left alone with my skids longer than a workday. If DH went away for longer than one overnight, then they went to stay with their mom (who lives just outside of our town). So in this rare instance I think that you'll have to get involved to some degree or chaos and anarchy will reign over your home until DH gets home.

If it were me, then there would be no friends (his friends) over until DH gets home. That would be my rule for him for this weekend. And I'd likely shut off the internet on him, either for just his computer (unplug it from the router), or turn off the modem and everyone has an internet-free weekend (not the end of the world). I knew a step-mom who was having issues with her step-son watching tv into the wee hours, and she used to just quietly turn off the power to his room from the breaker box in the basement. Sneaky but effective, and it's not like he could complain as he would have given away the fact that he'd not been sleeping.

Another thing that I'd have done is to have a friend of my own or close relative stay for the weekend. Not saying that you feel this way at all, but I was always a little anxious being in charge of DH's teens. Sometimes having an ally around (even if they are 100% uninvolved in discipline or anything like that) helps with one's confidence.

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