back for another fair/strict check

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2005
back for another fair/strict check
11
Tue, 06-26-2007 - 1:45am
Here's my crazy sticking point for today.
We tend to eat around 6:30 or so here with all the kids activities, work sch's whatever.
Anyway, we sometimes have a problem getting everyone on board with eating at the same time and I've told them all it annoys me that we can't sit and eat together as a family and at least do ONE thing a day together. Naturally there will be some exceptions, school functions, sports, dinner dates for oldest, whatever. But I generally want all of us to sit and eat together especially if we're all in the house at dinner time.
Here's tonight's scenerio;
DD her bf and 3 ds's playing Wii together, which is great because I really don't like bf and with him around I can attempt to get to know him so I can form a more reasonable opinion of him if he'll ever open his mouth (I think the 5'7" or 5'8" 150lb 17yo is intimidated by little old 6'1" 300lb me, ah to be young again,lol). Anyway, they're playing the game, call everyone in to eat. I sit, and look up to see DW, 3 DS's and that's it. Missing 2 ds's and dd and her bf (if he was eating, he eats like a bird saying he ate already, again I guess he still feels out of place). So I call everyone again, I'm then told one ds is in shower because he was dirty from being outside all day in the heat running around. Another ds is in the bathroom (for 30mins once he was all done) and dd is now "not hungry" although she previously said she was starving and would eat "anything." So I ask bf, tell him all the different things we have hoping one would sound good enough to eat. Nope. Now I tell dd she needs to eat, she's working 40hrs a week at a summer job and can't live on a doughnut and a lean cuisine for lunch.
Now I'm stewing because I'm missing 3 of my kids from dinner, the one time we should all be together. I've threatened 6-8pm is dinner time, phone off hook, cells off, no door or people. My wife looks at me like I'm nuts, my kids the same. What is my solution?? Either my wife or I are always home, so the past few years my home time has really made me attached to my kids, and I realize that at 17 and going into sr year, time is marching on with dd. Every bit counts at this point. I will blink and she'll be gone. Same with oldest ds at 15 going into soph year.
Anyway-- all you wise people, help. Anything better then "let go" out there???
hope this made sense, too late to properly proofread. lol.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Tue, 06-26-2007 - 7:06am

We kind of have a standing rule, that whoever is in the house at dinner time will be joining us, whether they choose to eat or not.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2006
Tue, 06-26-2007 - 7:51am

I'm impressed that you've been able to reserve a dinner time every day. Between my work, my volunteering at school, DH's work, and DD15's schedule, we hit about 3-4 days a week max.

That said, I would be insulted if there were kids over, and DD just refused to come to dinner. It's not like she's out for a planned activity.

I like rose's idea that if you're here, sit at the table - even for just a short time.

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2005
Tue, 06-26-2007 - 9:24am
Yep. Much better idea to just say that if you're here you are expected to sit with us if you're eating or not. Everyone knew when we eating, that's what really got me ticked.
Anyway- thx for input!
Avatar for jbgattuso
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Tue, 06-26-2007 - 9:50am

I think thats great that you are trying to have dinner together. Around here, it's impossible :( DH doesn't get home until 7:00 or 7:30 and the kids usually have activities so I feed them sometimes at three different times :( Then I always eat with DH. We do all gather and sit for dinner on Sundays. We also spend the rest of the evening together. No friends, no activities on Sunday nights. Maybe you could just have the rule that you all sit at least 4 or 5 nights a week (if you can manage that its still amazing in my book). You could choose to make it just be family on those nights as well.

Good luck to you and I applaud you gathering 8 for dinner at one time :)

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2005
Tue, 06-26-2007 - 9:51am

Our rule is that the family eats at least one meal together. When ds has an activity that conflicts, or dh has to work late, then we plan for a big breakfast together as a family.

Ds knows that he's expected to be at the dinner table each night. When friends are over I explain up front that this family eats dinner together every night and that includes everyone. Thus we expect that they too will be read to sit down to share in our family meal. If they do not wish to eat with us, then they have a choice of sitting with us while we eat, or are told to go home before dinner is served. They may not do is sit in another room and wait for ds to finish.

stacy

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Tue, 06-26-2007 - 9:56am

<<<....and I've told them all it annoys me that we can't sit and eat together as a family and at least do ONE thing a day together.>>>
Sometimes the best way to exacerbate a situation with a teenager, is to tell them that something 'annoys' you. lol.. :-)

Couple of points stick out.
<<>>

<<>>

Dadfor6, I feel your pain. My last child will also be off to college in one year. While I can appreciate your desire to have connection time with all of your kids, and the clock is ticking, I'm not sure if mandating two hours of their full and uninterrupted attention is going to work.
As Rose wisely points out, dinner time should be communion, not agenda time. And even if they aren't hungry, they could at least sit with you for 30 minutes to hear about their day and how wonderful they are. My DD inevitably changes her mind and eats something after insisting she's "not hungry."

As to the boyfriend, my DD has been dating a wonderful, respectful 17 yr. old who, when around other adults, I have noticed has excellent social skills, poise and tact....except when he is around me.
(I get short answers and no eye contact. He is obviously extremely uncomfortable.) By his odd affect, I could conclude he's a shifty little weenie boy. But the reality seems that he is still an intimidated kid and has no idea what to say to me. I find this a bit more reassuring than him providing a firm handshake and an in-your-face kind of "How ya doing there ol' daddioe?" After all... he 'IS' dating 'MY' daughter. :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2005
Tue, 06-26-2007 - 10:03am
lol, sorry if I gave that impression. We don't manage that every night, spring baseball had all but one playing and we had games nearly every night except for weekends. Whoever was home around5-5:30 was eating one meal, others were eating at 7:30 or 8. We do try, but like most others it's nearly impossible. Either DW or I are working and typically aren't both home together before 4:30 or 5 weekdays then there's the activities.
Anyway, that's why I was most aggravated. There was no activites, everyone COULD eat together, but 3 of them disappeared on me.
The new rule will be stated tonight, with the exception of one who has batting practice before a semi final game tomorrow, everyone else will be seated at the table for dinner! :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2005
Tue, 06-26-2007 - 10:10am

all I have to say it amen to that. lol.
far as dinner, it's not about 20 questions. I try to get them to talk, but if they don't oh well. There is 6 of them and usually the little guys say something funny/crazy or just plain bizarre that gets everyone talking about SOMETHING.

I did just throw another post out about dd and bf and her frds too though. read that, then comment. As someone who's been there and done that I'm sure you'll have something good to read.

thx.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 06-26-2007 - 10:15am

It's nice to have some male opinions around here. lol I guess I would be annoyed if my kids were home and didn't come to the table and we only have 3--I can't even imagine 6, although my ex was one of 6 (all born w/in 5 yrs. since there were triplet in there).

We always eat when DH gets home from work, which is about 6:20 so everyone knows when dinner is. Of course if someone is working or out w/ friends then I don't care. My 18 yo DD got into this habit where I wouldn't know if she was eating or not and she's the pickiest eater, so when she's home I try to get something she likes cause I know she's not eating well otherwise. So I would tend to call up and see if she was going to be home. The response would be "what's for dinner?" Now the 11 yo DS has made friends w/ a girl a few streets over and he is always at her house. When I say that he might be making a pain of himself, his response is "they love me." So he will try not to come home for dinner, saying that he will be eating over there. Then when he comes home, he is starved because he had some chips. So I won't be buying into that one. We dont' have any BFs coming over for dinner yet.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Tue, 06-26-2007 - 12:53pm

I'm a little late chiming in on this one, but here's my thoughts ...

We are in the middle of a major house move and for the last several weeks, meals have been hit or miss. Last night was Subway sandwiches eaten wherever there clear floor space. Honestly, I know *I* miss our family mealtimes, and it seems like most everyone else does too. And quite frankly, I am ver tired of carry-out food.

I don't think it is at all unreasonable for you to expect your family to sit down to a meal with you. If they're not hungry, the suggestion of just sitting for 20-30 minutes is a good one. No one is going to miss anything exciting or earth shattering in those few minutes. The 2 hour window seems a bit long, though and perhaps you can re-think that.

My thing is this: if someone in your home has gone to the trouble of preparing a meal for 6+ people, then 6+ people should be courteous enough to sit down and eat it if they are home. There is nothing more frustrating than spending the time and energy to plan, prepare, cook and serve a meal and have the majority decide they don't want to eat, don't like what is being served, or that whatever they are doing at the time is more important, because chances are, an hour later after the meal has been cleared away and the kitchen cleaned, someone will be hungry.

A thought about the bf, could his reluctance to eat with your family be because his own family expects him home for dinner? Maybe you can ask in advance if he will be joining your family for dinner and then set the table accordingly.

 

 

 

Pages