Back with fear of what b/f is doing

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Back with fear of what b/f is doing
15
Fri, 08-24-2007 - 10:49am

I hate to sound complaining, but..... This is an update to my post of 8/23/07 about having a bad feeling about b/f being in first year of oollege. I never said a word to my dd and thought it was just an overactive imagination.

Well I got an IM from my good friend who dd was a good friend of my dd in high school. She asked me if you dd and b/f broke up and I said no. Her dd was on the computer last night and said there were pictures of dd b/f at a party. And he was in a couple of pictures with girls hugging and sitting on their beds. I am sick. I have no proof that this was nothing more than freshman moving in day parties.

I do however, know his password to Facebook, dd knows it too. I got on, what he did was untag them from his page, but they are on the girls page and I saw them cause my friend told me whose page they were on. Dd probably won't see them, and apparently he did not want her too.

Will not tell my dd, do I talk to him about this. He and I are pretty close, they have been together for 3 years. I know his immaturity is not an excuse, but he is so immature. He does not stop to think any consquences that his actions will have. I know if dd sees the pictures, she will go nuts on him, and maybe break up with him. Which right now is sounding pretty good. They were talking about getting engaged, maybe for Christmas. Need to know what is in this young man's head before dd gets completely bowled over.

I really wish she was young enough right now that dh and I could forbid her to see him.
That is not an option, she will be 20 in a month.

Sick about this

Andie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 9:00am

With all due respect and not to sound rude or mean. I do have a life. We live in a very small town and everyone knows everyones kids and where they go to school, who they are dating and so fourth. A friend imed ME and asked if dd and b/f had broke up. That is how it started. I was not on looking for anything. I believe I stated that in the post.

If you read further, my dd has a slight emotional problem, depression and anxiety. I need to be mindful and keep an eye on that. I don't want my family to be a statistic of suicide God forbid.

I have a full life. I am a wife and mother. I am an office manager in an insurance office and my boss is a PA State Senator. I do have access to a computer all day due to my job, but apparently by all the posts, I am not the only one who spends a great deal of time on the computer. I have an ill husband that also needs watching. I really don't think it your place to tell me I don't have a life or how to care for my family.

If I want criticism, I would talk to my MIL. I would say that if someone doesn't have anything good to say, just don't say anything at all.

Sorry for being blunt.

Andie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Tue, 08-28-2007 - 2:18pm

Andie, if you don't think its my place to tell you how to care for your family, what are you doing on this board?

When you come on a board and ask for opinions/advice and put yourself out there you're not always going to get the advice you want to hear.

Here's what I know from my own personal experience. I suffered from bouts of depression as a teen and as an adult. As a teen, yes, I did once take some pills hoping my life would end. What triggered it was a paticularly bad experience I had with a young man I trusted followed by an awful confrontation with my parents. They were judgemental and totally unsupportive and I felt all alone. If they had let me be I probably would have worked through everything myself. And in fact, all their interference throughout my life both as a teen and a young woman caused me to withdraw and nowadays I do not share any of my concerns and issues with my parents because I can't handle their meddling.

The last thing people who endure some sort of mental illness in their lives want is people always tip-toeing around them like they are these fragile, breakable things. They spend their lives constantly having to prove they are "okay" and to not worry about them. And its stressful because all they want to do is lead normal lives but no one lets them.

As an adult I had three extremely difficult years with a collection of setbacks and problems in my family and my marriage that would sound like a soap opera if I laid them out. But during these years nothing triggered my depression to return because I had learned how to be okay with challenges in my life. I didn't want anyone around me trying to "protect me".

That's where I am coming from Andie. We all worry about our kids and even moreso when they have a history of problems. But personally I think you crossed a line whereby you invaded your daughters and her boyfriend's privacy. They aren't teenagers anymore.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Tue, 08-28-2007 - 5:02pm

Andie, I re-read this entire thread before I responded, and one thing really stuck out - everybody is saying essentially the same thing that diamond is saying, but in a much gentler, "walk on eggshells" kind of way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2000
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 4:55pm

Hi bunnierose,
I have to say that you give the best advice! Whenever I read a thread I look for your comments. They've helped me this past year dealing with my daughter. Sophmore year was a tough on on her. She started out the school year by not making the JV volleyball team, failed her first road test, broke of with her bf of 1 year, got injured in basketball and had knee surgery. Grades dropped like crazy. Gradually things improved, but during that time she hardly talked to me about anything that was going on. I had to keep my distance for awhile because she said it's her personal life. After laying down rules about homework, putting her phone in the kitchen by 9 pm and not letting her drive when she did get her license, she came around.

It's hard to stand back and let them learn from their mistakes, but that's what you have to do sometimes. I always let her know I was there for her when she wanted to talk. Gradually she did. I knew the guy she was hanging out with after her bf was a jerk, and she found that out herself. (Of course she wouldn't listen to me.)All the while her ex bf was still after her, happily they are together now. (he's a great kid, doesn't drink, gets straight A's and is very polite and loves her to death.) I see his mom a lot at school functions and we get along great.

I just hope Junior year is better than last year. Now she will turn 17 in a month and I have to remind myself to not but in her life, she'll talk to me when she wants to. My worry now is that her bf is a Senior and 18 and I think they might be having sex. My dd hasn't said anything directly but she talks about her other friends saying that of course they "do it" they've been going out for over a year. Well at least I know dd is on the pill to regulate her periods, so at least she won't get pregnant. I know this concerns bf's mom too, she called me once after reading some of his text messages, then she had a talk with him about respecting girls etc.

I sometimes find myself checking up on dd's Facebook page and get caught up in the teenage drama. I tell myself to ignore it because it's her life, so I don't look very often anymore. It's easy to get drawn in when you see something a bf put on someone's page or pictures of him with other girls etc. But there are also pictures of dd with other boys too..... This weekend dd confided in me that maybe next year when she's a Senior and bf is a Freshman in college she might ask him if he wants an open relationship, so they can hang out with other people. I guess that's a mature way of looking at things, then they'll know if they get together again seriously it's meant to be. Right now they don't really like it when each of them "hangs out" with the opposite sex but they tolerate it.

Thanks for all your input on this site. I'm in Milwaukee, WI myself so I feel we have that in common.

Take Care
Linda

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 6:37pm

I grew up near Watertown WI, and my family still lives between Watertown and Oconomowoc.

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