bad feeling about b/f in college

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
bad feeling about b/f in college
8
Wed, 08-22-2007 - 2:15pm

I don't know how to say this without sounding a bit wacked out. I get kind of panicky feelings like something bad is going to happen. Sometimes I am right, most of the time it is just my worries getting the best of me.

When dd went to college last year, she made every effort to reassure her b/f that everything was gonna be okay. He was still in his senior year in high school. She called him all the time. She was driving distance came home every weekend. Sent him cards.... you get the picture. This year is her sophmore year and she wants to live at home, hated dorm life. He is now in freshman year, he too is driving distance which is how they planned it.

He has there been since August 14th because he is playing football and that is when camp started. Now he can't come home during camp, they aren't allowed. He does call everyday and she was there to move him in and she has been up once to see him. Even though they had many a discussion about him being away, she is very paranoid too, he has reassured her time and time again that they will be fine. They have talked about getting engaged in about a year. I can't get rid of this feeling that he is gonna stray. He is very book smart but very naive. He is so easily persuaded, he is afraid if he doesn't do what people want they will not like him. If he thinks the guys won't like him if he doesn't make out with a cheerleader at a party, he may cave. About a year after they started dating, he strayed at a Forensics tournament away in Chicago. It wasn't anything disgusting, but dd found out that he had been flirty a couple of times. They broke up and then he asked her stay with him that he would never do anything to her again. As far we know, he hasn't and dd trust him.

Sorry, I am rambling. I want to tell her not to be so trusting and keep her eyes open. I know we can't protect our kids forever, but I would to avoid her being blindsided if my bad feeling pans out. I would love for him to prove me wrong and I hope he does.
Should I say something to her?

Excuse the length of this, maybe just venting.

Andie

Avatar for kel7col4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-22-2007 - 2:24pm

Well I am going to mirror what everyone tells me in these situations! Stay out of it lol... I posted basically the same thing last night about dd's bf - well about straying and dd blindly trusting. I know dd's bf went out with those girls last night, and I know dd knows nothing about it. Do I really, really, really want to tell her?? Yup.... am I going to? Nope.... I'm so sad about it and worried about it. Again, not that I, in a million years think they are lasting forever, but mostly just her emotional state here lately. I'm really scared for when he hurts her and I do know it's a part of life - I just wish she was at a stronger stage of life.

Good luck and have faith that all will turn out as it is meant to be.




iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Wed, 08-22-2007 - 2:25pm
I know we differ on this whole attached at the hip thing at such a young age but I wouldn't say anything to your dd about your worries.
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Wed, 08-22-2007 - 2:46pm

I know as a Mom I am going to keep my mouth shut, but that old teenage girl in me who has had a fella or two before I married, wants to tell her to check his email and facebook, she has the passwords!!!!

I'm sure all of us ladies at time or another has snooped at something, I think it is a girl thing!!!!

Andie

Avatar for kel7col4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-22-2007 - 2:53pm

LOL yeah dd has all of J's passwords too - that's how he has gotten busted in the past!! (One time he was over here cooking and the bonehead asked her to check his myspace, surprise he had a message LOL) But I'll put money on when she comes home and checks his stuff there won't be anything there LOL The comments that I saw were out in the open, but are gone now.... The only way she will ever find out is if by any odd chance she wanders on to the girls page and his response is still there.

I know you won't say anything and I know I won't.... I mostly come here to vent, so I can atleast get it off my chest. There's no one else I can tell, so you guys are stuck with me!




iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Wed, 08-22-2007 - 3:06pm
Right back at ya!!!!!!!!!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2000
Wed, 08-22-2007 - 5:13pm

Hi Ladies,
I'm glad I'm not the only one to snoop and worry about my dd. She is 16 and an only child and I don't want to see her get hurt.

She's a Junior in HS now and her bf is a Senior. They've dated for almost 2 years, with one minor break up in winter, but that was traumatic. She saw something on his MySpace.... So he doesn't even have MySpace or Facebook to his credit now. But other girls that he hangs out with do. They make sure they have pictures of him on their pages. My daughter also has pictures of herself, girlfriend and 2 other boys on her page. She claims they are all just friends, but lately it looks like she's getting too cozy with one of the boys.

I really like her bf, he's smart, cute polite, the whole bit. I only wish she'd maybe have met him in her Junior or senior year, not Freshman year. I think they both are immature at times and like the attention of other people.

I hate being so worried about her and her relationships. I think it's hard because she does tell me a lot of the things that go on with her and her friends. I can tell when she doesn't want me to know something though. She got in some trouble with grades etc. in spring and I began to snoop on her phone for text messages to shed some light which helped. Now she put a password on her phone, but she gave it to me when I asked her about it.

Anyway, I think when I'm not that busy at work I tend to think about her life way too much. I just want her to be happy and not make mistakes. I can see what's going to happen before she does. (been there, done that).

I'm glad I'm not the only crazy mom out there. I think it was easier for our mom's since they didn't have a clue as to what we were up to. (I know I didn't talk to mine.)

Take care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Thu, 08-23-2007 - 8:42am

It certainly does feel good to know I am not alone at being a little over the top protective of my dd. I think sometimes unless you have a dd going through the "tough" years, you don't fully understand these feelings. I will tell you that with time, it gets a little easier to fight the feeling to get involved. So stay strong.

Someday hopefully we can look back at this at laugh!!

Andie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Thu, 08-23-2007 - 10:31am

Let me ask you a question -- do you ever tell your married friends, sisters, mother maybe that they should "keep their eyes open" and "watch out for signs" of their husbands straying?

Because, odds are, alot of them will stray and probably have strayed. That's just the way things are. Maybe even your daughter will stray (gasp!). Girls and women cheat too. Who do you think all these men are straying with? They aren't all single.

I don't think you need to say a thing to your dd because, she probably has the same fears you do. That's part of being in a relationship. We have fears, often very well-founded, of our mates rejecting us or hurting us somehow.

It happened to me so...I know of what I speak. Boyfriends, girlfriends, spouses sometimes stray and it is DEVASTATING to the other person. But its part of life and something many of us have to live through and nothing my mom said would have made it any easier for me. If she would have said to me "watch out because he might cheat on you", I would have replied "no he won't...he'd never do that"; until he did. Its one of those things that none of us ever believes will happen to us until it does. So its kind of pointless to warn people it might happen. Because, well, as many stray, there are those that do not and you don't want to spend your whole life and relationship worrying about what might never happen.