Bad feeling about DD's friend(s)
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| Mon, 09-03-2007 - 4:44pm |
I have two DD's. One is 14 and one is 13.
DD-14 is the one who seems to always get in trouble, though she's delightful when she's behaving.
DD-13 is gifted, makes straight A's with no effort and, other than the occasional angsty outburst, behaves very well. For the last year she has been part of a group of 4 friends who also are gifted, honor-society, geeky types (or at least they were last year). We've moved a lot over the years and after a rough start in this town were thrilled to see her in a solid group of girlfriends. (We only wish DD-14 would have girlfriends instead of bf's. Ugghhhh.)
All of that said, these girls are slowly moving towards the emo look, music, literature, and attitutde. I believe this move is lead by one girl in particular. This girl is now bringing other girls, unknown to me, to the sleepovers. These other girls have strange-colored hair and weird clothes. (O.K. DD-13 prides herself on being different/weird and not an abercrombie clone - but I mean these other girls are beyond just funny-weird to pretty much weird-weird.)
Yesterday I saw DD-13's myspace and it was full of pictures of girls in manacles, black balloons, and bloody stuff. Very dark and scary. We made her change it. I also am having a hard time making her keep her hair clean. Ooooh, yuck. My DH and I have decided that this is too much. But we don't know what to do.
Last year I really had had enough of the black clothes, etc. and took them away. But on some good advice gave the things back, and DD almost immediately stopped wearing them. So I'm afraid to forbid things in particular as it may drive her toward the things that I forbid. That includes this girl - and perhaps all 3 of the other girls.
I want to not take her to other "poser-penguin" (their clique name) sleepovers. But just take her to the one girl that I do trust. I would like to encourage new friends, but don't know how to go about doing that. Of course, she has every class with the very girl that I would like for her to avoid.
DD is too precious, talented, charming (when not in this phase), and spiritual to be lead into the darkness of the emo thing. How can I discourage friendship with this one girl without making her all the more attractive? Curently she is my DD's favorite one. Any ides?
Thanks,
Leigh Anne
P.S. I kmow that I am just full of questions today. I'm going to be more regular on this site so that I can learn more without always being the whiny one with the questions. Thanks.

Hi
I have a DD who is now 16. When she started a new school (7th grade) she sat next to "Izzy" on the first day and they have been bffs ever since that moment. Izzy is not a mother's dream - although she's smart, she's also most likely to engage in risky behavior (smoking, cutting, provocative dress). I really struggled with how to help my DD find balance in her friendships. At first she'd yell at me ("I know you just hate Izzy!"), but I explained that I don't "hate" Izzy, but I'm scared for her, of what trouble she'll get herself into, and what trouble she'll get DD into. It's been an interesting 4+ years - DD and Izzy have gone through alot of phases - and my DD and I have gone through phases in being able to talk about her. Two things I'm very open about is 1) I don't trust Izzy's judgement and 2)thank goodness for other friends (especially Suzy, who is sane and happy and balanced, a great friend to DD). I think talking to my DD about what *she* can do to keep her own balance has been a great strategy for us. We do have boundaries (which I'm sure she thinks are unfair LOL), but we don't forbid them to see each other. Maybe you and your DD can talk about *what* specifically you're concerned about, where you think the trouble is, and let her develop her own opinions and make her own choices.
FWIW, there was in incident a couple of years ago (not serious, but involving grafitti in the bathroom) in which my DD saw very clearly that people judge you by who you hang with ("people think I'm skanky because Izzy is"). That was an interesting thing to talk about with DD.
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http://www.pnhp.org/news/2009/october/meet_the_new_health_.php
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM
Kids go through all sorts of phases during their teen years, and a lot of it is just following the crowd.
Ah yes, 8th grade. It seems to be when everything gets out of hand. My DD was friends with a group of gifted girls in 8th also, and they went through a nearly identical process. The sleepovers were always at one girls house, and I eventually figured out that she had a very lenient Mom. Even worse, a couple of the girls in the group were experimenting with lesbianism, and were quite open about it. Took me a while to figure that one out too, meanwhile my DD was labeled as a "lesbo" at school because she was in that group. This is a girl that has been crazy about boys since she was 2.
If you can figure out the worst sleepovers, you can just say no. Blame it on lack of parental supervision, which seems to be the case. Is your daughter supervised after school? The ones that were getting in the most trouble, experimenting with alcohol, drugs, and sex, were the ones that walked home to an empty house. I made sure I picked DD up at school every day, she didn't do any of that, and still isn't into a lot of it at 16. Driving presents new problems, of course.
I was relieved when DD got into a Performing Arts charter school for HS, and left that group behind. Of course, the new friends are not a great deal better, just older. They don't live near us, though, and there isn't much outside socializing. DD is who she is, kind of preppy, likes to look pretty. She decided at age 14 that she wanted to be herself. One thing about gifted girls, they are independent thinkers. Just keep a close eye on her, she should be OK. Dressing weird is the least of your problems, believe me!
Don't underestimate the "weird" kids with "weird" tastes. Its them who often become the leaders of the future, those who create breakthroughs in fashion, creative and performing arts, technology, attitudes and so much more. Try to see beneath the black clothes and heavy makeup and get to know these girls for who they are deep inside. Their attraction to something alternative is often more of a desire to express themselves differently than other people and that's not always a bad thing. As long as there isn't drug use or "cutting" or illegal behaviour, its not always a bad thing.
When my sister was a teenager she was very much into a highly alternative way of dressing and into very non-mainstream music and films. She wore her hair spiky and asymmetrical. She was into additional piercings before they were fashionable. Her clothes were very "punk rock" and "new wave" (this was the 80s). She wore black combat boots almost exclusively and to see here in a skirt or dress or anything like that was unheard of. Her friends were non-conventional including one young man who was a wonderful kid but very obviously homosexual. She listened to music from avant-garde bands and read very artsy books and saw alot of independant films.
Alot of people were put off by her fashion sense and her tastes in our very traditional family but my mum always stood by her saying that if all she did was act out through her fashions, she was okay with that. After all my sister maintained top notch grades and managed to secure two fully paid-for scholarship offers from area universities.
Now my sister is a highly successful professional in marketing and advertising. She used her experiences in life as an artist and with her artistic friends to the best of her advantage. She makes at least 30% more money than I do and I am a professional accountant. She owns a beautiful home, has travelled and has won awards for her work. Her "non-conventional" friends have been loyal and committed friends and companions for 20 years. They are all equally financially and socially successful while they still maintain their ideals and my sister still wears her hair in very avant-gard styles and black is still the primary colour of her wardrobe!!!
So all I say is this -- there's nothing wrong with being a bit different. Don't be afraid of it. In fact, its what makes the world go round....
Nice post, Sue.
Sorry it's taken me so long to reply. It's been crazy around here.
Thank you all for the insight into my queasy feeling question. I feel like between all of you I've seen all the possibilities that this could be, and I also feel that I've gain some insight into which one it may be.
In case you think I just don't appreciate creativity, I do have some history here. My brother was probably what would be considered emo if there were emo back in the 80's. He was also the smart, talented, creative one in the family. He's currently one rung above homeless, living on wellfare in a house that has no working plumbing. So sometimes I need people to tell me what is real and what is really my projecting my brother's doom on my kids.
I think dd is more like the creative sister that was mentioned. She doens't fit into any group at school. Refuses a label, which is a good thing. Also her friends are probably o.k. I'll just keep an eye on the one that I worry about.
Since they dress so differently, sometimes other dd's friends think they are gay. But my dd isn't. I couldn't vouch for the others. The graffiti incident was eye-opening about how people assume you are who you hang with. Of course this is "duh" for moms, but I'm glad it got through to at least one kid out there.
My dd did experiment with cutting last year (but that was really before these friendships were as solid as they are now. She did see a therapist and did stop (I think). I have mentioned repeatedly that I would never judge her for doing it and would be happy to get her help if she needed. I think she believes this b/c I have trichotillomania which is a disorder where you pull your hair out. So she knows that I wouldn't consider a self-injury behavior as wrong or a character flaw.
I'm glad that one of you mentioned that the friend in question was welcome at your house and that it was a parental supervision issue. DD asked if she could have the girls over Friday night after the school dance. I agreed easily after reading that.
Thank you so much for your insight into this.
L.A.