Behavioral Consequences for 16 year old?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-1999
Behavioral Consequences for 16 year old?
11
Sat, 09-15-2012 - 2:26pm
I have a DD who is 16 and will be 17 in a few weeks. All her teachers, people at church and her bosses at work have consistently told us what a good girl she is, how nice, how helpful, how mature, hardworking, etc. The problem is, when she is at home she loses any kind of "filter" she may possess, and engages her mouth before her brain. She can be very disrespectful to me, mean to her brother, and says things to him that are completely unacceptable. Of course, she waits until I am not around to really be horrible to DS (15 y.o.), so it is just his word against hers. Thursday was a particularly bad morning, and rather than yelling at her or punishing her immediately, I wanted to take some time to think about what would truly be a powerful consequence for her. I decided to make her come right home after the football game last night. Someone in her class usually has a bonfire after the game and it is a very big deal to go. Te explanation I gave her was pretty much, you cannot be mature enough to speak to other family members respectfully, so I don't feel you can handle being in a social situation. I did not yell, I said it as a matter of fact, and yes, she was furious. I am just wondering, what are some things you do when a situation calls for disciplinary action?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Sat, 09-15-2012 - 4:23pm
Sometimes kids can be pills around their family because they know their family will love them regardless. Some teenage 'attitude' is normal but obviously that doesn't mean she should be hateful to her family. As far as the things she says to her brother - are you sure that it's all her or does he know how to 'push her buttons'? Have you tried talking with her and telling her what you told us - that you are proud of the reports you get from teachers, bosses, etc.? Then point out specific instances of her disrespect and mouthiness. Sounds like her social life is important to her so I think you're on the right track with the consequences but I'd give her a heads up. Pick a couple things that really bother you. For example if she calls her brother a jerk and that's unacceptable to you say 'if you call your brother a jerk then you won't go to the football game on Friday'. But be specific. Don't just say 'if you continue to be 'mean' or 'disrespectful'. Also be sure that brother isn't provoking her to try to get her in trouble ;-).

Good luck - the whole consequence thing was definitely when they were little and wouldn't share their toys!
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sat, 09-15-2012 - 5:28pm
I had the thought of the younger brother insisting the trouble too .I'm the oldest of nine kids. Whole I admit to sometimes getting mouthy with my siblings for no reason, plenty often my siblings purposely pushed my buttons and then sat back to watch me get into trouble. To this day my mom swears my siblings would never do that. Rrrriiiiggggghhhht.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 09-15-2012 - 7:51pm

I have 2 kids who are 6 1/2 yrs apart--DD is older.  They alternated between being totally loving and calling each other names (idiot was a favorite) and arguing.  I can't say I ever really punished DD for her behavior but if I heard the name calling I would certainly tell them to stop & be nice to each other. I am happy to report that once she got to college age, she suddenly matured & stopped being such a pain to him.  They are now 23 & 17 and I love seeing the way they get along cause it's only the 2 of them.  Hopefully this one punishment will be enough to make your DD think twice.  I don't know how I'd deal with the "she was mean to me when you weren't looking" stuff.  I do think that all siblings do go through being mean to each other somewhat.  My ex had 3 brothers all close in age--he was the  youngest.  He said they were always beating him up, but if some other kid dared to try to do anything to him, his brothers would stick up for him--like they were the only ones who had the right to beat him up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 09-15-2012 - 7:54pm

Oh yeah, also remembered that my younger brother (by 4 yrs) would do stuff like tease me & then when I went to give him a smack, he'd say "Mom, she's hitting me."  lol

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Sat, 09-15-2012 - 9:33pm
My kids are 3 years apart, and unless there was actual blood flowing to prove who was the greater aggressor, I believed NEITHER of them. I usually let THEM sort their issues out, since, like Music said, they alternated between being each others best bud to being their worst enemy. When they were totally driving me insane with their bickering, instead of punishments, I would make BOTH kids sit down, and they'd have to find ONE nice thing to say about the other. Most times it would come down to "Her feet don't smell TOO bad!" or some such nonsense, and then they had to give each other a kiss and hug. With no pinches hidden inside. Actually being NICE to each other was WAAAAAY more difficult than any punishment. and was remembered far longer.

And I have seen all too often that taking sides builds resentments that linger LONG after the incident, turning what should have been a passing, childish memory into a years long conflict.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2009
Sun, 09-16-2012 - 12:56am

You sound like one heatless cold old bat, and like me. LOL

Seriously, deprivation of privileges can be more effective than bringing out the cat of nine tails. And child protective services approves of it. USE IT!

When it comes to siblings telling on each other, I always think of when Cowboys owner Jerry Jones and his first coach Jimmy Johnson were telling different stories.  Mike Ditka said, “If I didn’t know better, I would think that one is lying.  However, I do know better.  Both are lying.”  LOL

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-1999
Sat, 09-22-2012 - 3:18pm

Well, it looks like having to stay home last Friday night made an impression on DD.  I did not see or hear her ragging on DS this week, and she has been far nicer to me.  She and The BF even picked DS up after the football game and took him with them to a friend's house to celebrate (yet another Grizzly football victory, LOL), so I did not have to go out in the snow and cold and yuck that we're getting for weather this weekend.  Things are looking up : )

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 09-22-2012 - 4:41pm

Good hopefully it will carry over.  I did have to comment though--SNOW?  Today is the 1st day of fall.  I can't even stand the thought of wearing sweaters.  Where do you live?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2012
Fri, 09-28-2012 - 10:10am

I can tell how frustrating it is for you to be hearing all these great things about your daughter from others but then to see a different person at home.  Is there something going on at home that could be causing her to feel anxiety, stress, etc?  It is so important to understand she she might be going through - oftentimes, these kinds of behaviors can be traced back to struggles adolescents are feeling inside.

Have you tried talking to her about why she is acting the way she is?  Perhaps she just feels like she can't be heard, so she acts out.  I'm not justifying her behavior at all, but I do want to make sure that her feelings and experiences are being considered as well.

Teenagers her age are trying so hard to exert their independence and figure out who they are.  Maybe at work and school, she is able to show her independence, is given freedom to work on projects, and be creative, whereas at home, she isn't sure how to fit in.  She may want to be making some of her own decisions, but may feel stifled or controlled.  I'm not advocating that she be given free reign, but it might be worth it to figure out (together) how she can begin to have more responsibilities and freedom (within limits, of course).

I hope things can get better for her and you.  I think it's important that parents understand where their children are at developmentally, so that they can learn how to best understand and work with their child.