Being too strict on DD14?
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| Sun, 04-29-2007 - 10:04am |
This is my second problem.
DD14, received In School Suspension last week (ISS) for public display of affection. Seems her and her boyfriend have been warned several times about hugging and kissing on school property. As punishment at home we took away the computer for a week and she's not allowed to see her boyfriend this weekend. Being the creative girl she is, she's figured a way around the boyfriend crisis. Here's how: we'll be at my brothers house this afternoon to celebrate my twin nieces 14th birthday. They'll have several friends over. DD called last night to say, "you're going to yell at me, because (boyfriend) is coming to the birthday party." Seems her cousin invited him. I know this is DD way of manipulating the situation to work in her favor. So, now I'm not sure how to address this. Do I just let it slide? Or tell her since she saw (boyfriend) this weekend, she'll go without seeing him next weekend?
I'm concerned how obsessed she is with this boy. He seems like a good kid, but he's two years older than her. This is her first boyfriend and they're madly in love. Now, I know from reading this board, that the chance of them staying together is pretty slim. When she tells me how much she loves him, I support her and don't try to belittle her emotions. If she follows the pattern of a lot of other girls, she or he will move on eventually. But for now, our rules dictate that she can only see him at our house, in the main living area (TV Room, kitchen, den, living room) or I'll let her meet him at the skate park for a few hours on the weekend.
In my first post, I mentioned agreed upon rules that were set when she was 13, regarding dating, make-up etc. Now, it seems all of this is going out the window. I appreciated the replies to my other thread from mom's who say it's ok to change the rules as you go along. I wonder, do all the rules get changed? She was not supposed to date until she was 16 and here she is at 14 madly in love with this boy. To me, this is exactly the reason she shouldn't be dating, at 14 she's too immature. Since she's been in high school, she thinks she's grown up. She talks back, she's disrespectful, and the attitude is terrible. Are these red flags or just normal teenage behavior? DD is very strong willed and we expected her teen years would be difficult. Do I stand back and wait for this phase to pass? Or, do I crack down on her and enforce limitations? What is the barometer? As long as she keeps her grades up in school, should we be more lenient? Right now she's doing excellent in school, last report card 4 A's and 1 B+.
Any insight any of you can give me would be much appreciated. I feel so much better about the make-up dilemma that was in my thread yesterday. You gals have been very helpful.
Thanks in advance!!

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You gals have been so helpful. I really appreciate the comments.
"But we want to keep to the big ones and I think setting a higher dating age is big. I see a lot of posts on this board with problems that seem to arise from 13 and 14 yr olds dating. The girls DO seem to fall hard and often the boys are older than the girls. It's a road filled with potholes. I think even a year will lessen the number of potholes"
I couldn't agree more. But, unfortunately, we had to give a little on the dating age. She turns 15 in about a month, so she IS getting older (she's only been dating for about 2 months). For the next year, we'll stick to our rules about the boy coming to our house where we can keep a close watch on him. And try and include him in other activities.
The birthday party turned out to be a non-issue. Like I said earlier, her cousins live in another county, another school district, so the young man couldn't get a ride. :)
However, let me tell you what the girls were doing when we arrived! I went upstairs to check on them as DD had spent the night there. Two of them (DD included) had climbed out the window onto the roof and were sunbathing in their underwear. Not big a deal, I guess as the house is in the country and the back, where they were, is not visible to anyone. But, they did have a young man over who was in the bedroom with the cousin who was not on the roof. I don't approve of the boy being in the bedroom, that's a big no-no at our house, but this house there is no where for kids to hang out. The girls bedroom has bunk beds, is VERY large and is set up as a small den. Couch, TV, etc. I plan on having a talk with DD tonight about the inappropriateness of what they did. When I went downstairs, I asked my SIL, do you know what the girls were doing? Of course she had no clue and probably had not been upstairs to check on them in hours.
"As for the original infraction at school, I personally do not believe in punishing again at home when the teen has already been punished at school. We have enough battles on the home front to be taking on theirs."
I agree we definitely have enough battles at home! But, as far as the punishing again thing, this one I don't agree on. DD bounced in from school after ISS and said "that was fun! I took a great nap today". To me, punishment is something not to be enjoyed. Now if the school had imposed something like making her do push-ups, running laps, or any other task that was not enjoyable, I'd feel different.
Congratulations on your marriage. Sounds like you and DH were smart; realized the value of education and waited before getting married. So many kids now pick marriage over college and once you get married and the kids come along, it's very hard to go back to school.
Yes, the bad attitude really gets to me too. You would think getting into trouble would make her remorseful, but she wasn't. She did promise it wouldn't happen again and she was angry bf didn't get into trouble. "That's not fair!", she said. At her school there is a different principal for each grade. But, as I told her, sometimes, life isn't fair.
Reevaluating the rules is a new concept to me. That is where this website has really helped me. I felt so guilty that I was backing off on die hard rules that I swore would not be broken. DD is so headstrong and stubborn, and combined with my natural instinct told me I needed to compromise. I think one of the big problems is not enough distractions in her life. She has too much free time to dwell on how much she's in love. I push and push to get her involved in activities, but it's hard. This week she starts working with the drama club as the back stage crew for the Spring play. And, she'll be starting a part time job this summer.
I appreciate everyone's comments. It's nice to know I'm not alone and other people have successfully survived teenage daughters!
Boy, can I understand that!! My DS-18 really liked ISS!! It was no punishment at all to him.
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