best advice if you think he's having sex
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| Fri, 06-08-2007 - 8:19am |
My DS is 17 and finishing a very successful junior year. He works, is 5th in his class, comes home on time, does not drink or do drugs, and is a good person, I think. He's been going out with a girl who is likewise, and I cautioned him when they started going out 9 months ago to not get involved with sex, that he was too young and it's to big a risk to his future and hers. He agreed and said it wasn't on the horizon. I am pretty positive it is now. I can't get much from her mom, crazy home life, lack of good role modeling etc...When I talk to him and he confirms it and even if he doesn't I will still talk to him as if he is.
My points will be pretty much the same. Too young even though I doubt he thinks he is, too much emotion too early in life, having to sneak alone is so childish, possibility of ruining his future even in spite of using both the pill or condoms (although lets face it probably not).
But I am so disappointed in both of them. And I've been down this road already with my college daughter. And what I realize is this: what exactly other than give my advice and opinion can I do? And what do I do with my dissapointment in him? Incidently, they are never alone here at my house and he says the same for hers, although I'm not sure of that, but he has a car. I want to share my dissapointment but honestly I don't think he'll care very much... Does anyone have any advice as to what you did or how you felt and what helped you?
Also, while he's a nice person, they act like a married couple and it's really getting on my nerves. They are each other's best friends and spend all their free time together. This does not have to be this way, they both have nice options with friends that they could get together with, but choose to be with each other almost all the time, unless their siblings happen to come along or an occasional group gets together. IS this normal, my daughter did not do this. Neither one of them is antisocial, but with school and work and sports, they spend what little time they have exclusive to each other.
And last, I think he's in that 17-18 yr old self centered only thinks about himself, any tips on how to handle that?
thanks

Give him this book:
What Smart Teenagers Know…
http://tinyurl.com/yqbdxv
Give her this book:
S.E.X.
http://tinyurl.com/2fdxrp
Give them this:
Crown Skinless Skin Condoms (Buy the 100 pack)
http://tinyurl.com/ctjda
If her home life is disheveled then suggest setting up an appointment for her to get on birth control. If she goes to a Title X clinic such as Planned Parenthood then she should be able to get pills, shot, implant, patch, ring, etc... either discounted or free.
You could also try the:
Parents of Sexually Active Teens Message Board
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-prparentssa
I think you're doing all you can do to delay sexual activity, and the reality is, if they want to do it, they're going to find a way, time and place, no matter what you do.
"I don't think its normal at all"
You don't think what is normal at all? Having Sex before graduating from high school with a girl you've been dating for 9 months.
Not that I condone it, sadly it it more than normal :(
Who are you?
I am kind of tired of people getting on here and posting such strong opinions about things with NO info about themselves. These discussions are started and people really want/need help and opinions from others who have been through some of the same. The last thing this poster needs is to be told.....this is not normal!
To the OP, I think that you are going to do all the right things. Keep talking to your son :) As hard as it is on us, we need to except that these things do happen. It is terrible dissapointing as a parent, and you really can feel that somehow you have failed your child. Why would they do this? Well, sometimes we forget aside from the hormones, these kids actually believe that they are in LOVE. Hang in there and be ready for if he tells you that the answer is yes. I was shocked when I got the Yes answer, but luckily I help myself together enought to be able to have an adult conversation about safety and responsibility. We talk often about it now :(. I do agree with not giving the kids the "keys to a hotel room", but as many have said before, if they want to do this, they are going to find a way. Hang in there,
Julie
Thank you for clarifying that. I missed it because she didn't re-state the question or quote it. I'm sorry if I miss judged :) I too feel though it is tough to say what is normal with teens, but I will say that all of the kids I know that are in relationships at 16 or above do spend the majority of their time with their SO. Again, wether we like it or not. I think I'm feeling a bit defensive because some of what else I said has been going on. I'm glad that Pam challenged us to update our profiles :)
Sorry and thanks again,
Julie
Don't feel bad, I was wondering the same thing.
I don't find that my dd and her friends are this way when they have a b/f or g/f they tend to hang together as a group and bring the new person into the group or they have time with the friends and time with the b/f. She has a nice mix of friends, guys and girls. But I do know there are a lot of kids that do this. My nephew who is 21 is like that, he spends the majority of his time with his gf, when he isn't with her his hangs with his cousin. My niece was like that too. I don't think it is healthy either, both my niece and nephew really don't have any other friends and I don't think that is a good thing, although they both seem happy.
As for the original questions. Hang in there, talk with him as much as possible and encourage him to use bd and condoms. I know they are young, but as others said...they will have sex if they want to. Sorry, but it's a truth we all have to deal with.
Kristie
Your ds is 17, going out with a very nice girl for the past 9 months. You have talked to him about sex being a big risk and that they were too young. Now, you think he may be having sex or is about to. At this stage of the game, you need to include in your talks to him the importance of protection. As much as we don't want our kids having sex early, keeping them safe has to override our feelings of disappointment. And you are right, other than giving advice and giving your opinion, there IS nothing else you can do (to keep him from having sex). Well, there is one thing...let him know that you love him unconditionally. That even if he does decide to have sex, that even though you may be disappointed in him, that you still love him. He's still the same, good kid. Having sex with his g/f of 9 months will not change that. If he actually tells you he and g/f are sexual, you can tell him you are disappointed, but I wouldn't dwell on it. Dwell more on the safety issues. And then, for your own sanity, don't dwell on the fact that they are sexually active. No, you don't want to make it easy for them, but dwelling on it won't change anything and just make you crazy. :) When my older ds became sexually active, yes, I was disappointed, but I just made sure he was safe about it. I just didn't let myself think about it much.
As far as them spending lots of time together, that's pretty normal. Especially when you take into consideration that they are each other's best friend. Lots of kids spend their time with just a couple of good friends, and some times that good friend is a b/f or g/f. Especially when you factor in that they are busy with school, work, and sports, of course they will tend to spend what little free time they have together. I know you said your dd didn't do this in hs, but your dd is a totally different person than your ds. It's normal for them to not be alike.
I'm not sure about any tips on the self-centeredness...that pretty much comes with the territory. Most teens are self-centered. Try to deal only with the actions that he exhibits that stem from that self-centerness. You can't just say, "Quit being so self-centered." If, for example, he doesn't tell you he wont' be home for supper, then deal with that. "I need to know if you aren't going to be here for supper so I know how much to cook." (I'm really big on telling kids the why of something, so they don't think I'm simply being a witch and controlling everything they do. LOL)
It sounds like you have a wonderful young man on your hands who has given you lots of reasons to be proud. Let him know that. He is just growing up. :)