BF cheated on dd18-need advice.
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| Thu, 08-24-2006 - 2:16pm |
Well, as much as we thought it would or could never happen, my dd18's BF, the controlling-I'm-so-madly-in-love-with-you BF cheated on her while she was away. He's blaming it on ADD and too much alcohol. He had sex with the town slut of all people. DD was away visiting her dad out of state for 4 days and he was hanging with his friend who was hanging with the girl. The friend went out for something and BF says it just happened. That was back in July.
Last week dd heard the suspected rumor and confronted BF - he denied it, twice. DD then confronted the girl and the girl gave just enough information to cause dd to have doubt and confront bf again. BF broke and told her it was true and then he told her how he cried and cried afterward, never wanted to hurt her, will work the rest of his life to make it up to her, etc. DD is heartbroken, but still hasn't broken up with the guy and was saying stuff like, "I know we've neglected our relationship so maybe if I was more attentive..." and, "he said he was drunk and that with his ADD he didn't know what he was doing till it was over..." She seems to think they can work this out and put it behind them and focus more on thier relationship. She asked me, "Isn't it kind of silly to break up over this ONE thing?" And I'm thinking, No, it's not silly - in fact, what will it take, what has to be so bad, that you will break up with him? Isn't this bad enough??
DD leaves for college in 4 weeks, for 3 years straight without breaks. I asked her when she thought she'd have any time to focus on thier relationship and if he cheated with her right under her nose, what made her think he'd wouldn't when she's 200 miles away for 3 years? I asked her if she thought maybe they should take a break while she is at school and then see how things are when she returns - you know, be free to meet other people with similar interests, etc.
Her BF is almost 21 and he hangs out with all kids who are younger than him. The girl he had sex with is 16. All of his friends are under 19. He's never traveled and has always only known this one horse town and the same people since birth. He doesn't go to school and has no immediate plans to do anything else with his life except work at his job and buy a house with his brother. He claims to be an ultra Christian, he and his family all go to bible church, and he has always spoke of his undying love for dd, has tried to prevent her from hanging out with friends from school and even got pissed when she worked with some guys from school that she's been friends with since 2nd grade! He would have liked them to be attached at the hip, but dd kept him at bay these past few months because she felt smothered. Now she's behaving like that makes it okay for him to cheat.
Where is her outrage? Where is her anger? I've been married 10 years and if my H cheated on me it would be over....why is she willing to settle for this kind of treatment from a BF at the age of 18 that she's only been with for less than 2 years? They have nothing vested in this relationship. This is not how I raised her - to be complacent like this, willing to be a doormat. Where is her self respect?
I listened patiently to her yesterday when she talked about it/vented, etc. I really had to hold my tongue and just be there for her. But today, the anger set in and I've written dd a letter with these questions and some thoughts I have. It's not a rant or anything. It basically just says that I love her and while I know it is hard to break up with BF, she needs to set up some boundaries with him so he knows he can't repeat this behavior on her or anyone else, that I think going away to college with a clean slate is better than being away and wondering how he's spending his time, etc. Should I give it to her?? She might be angry with me, but there are things that need to be said here and she doesn't really have any decent girlfriends to rely on in that regard. Her best friend (and I use that loosely) has a BF who constantly sleeps with other girls, so she is of no help at all. And her only other friend commented that she wondered if dd's BF would "do" her too! So, since dd does talk to me and listens to me, usually, I think that the limb I go out on will not be that weak...IOW, I think she needs to hear what I have to say and even if she gets angry with me, she will at least give it some thought.
What do you think?

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All I can really say is kudos to you for keeping a civil tongue in your mouth while your dd vented to you. I'm afraid I personally would've gone off the deep end and really, really talked bad about the bf, thus possibly making things worse.
Since your letter is written in such a non-accusatory (sp?) fashion, I say give it to her. She can do with it what she wants, but there is a chance your words may take root. At the very least, she may *think* about what you say.
Again, kudos to you for being there for your dd and letting her vent. My hat's off to you! :)
With the kind of relationship that you have with dd, yeah I would give her the letter. You said its not a rant, so that's good. I think she might listen to you, and so it's worth it even if it angers her a bit at first.
I come from the experience of a mother who I talked to quite a bit myself, but who did really very little to guide me. I know she was afraid to critize less I stop talking to her, but she could have maybe made a difference in some of the early mistakes that I made myself, including staying with a cheating boyfriend. What did my mom say? Not much, she listened and offered comfort. I think she could have done more.
Good luck.
Wow, thanks - your words meant a lot considering you had such a relationship with your mother. You know, we moms walk a tightrope at times with our teen daughters, not quite what or when to say our piece. I don't want to miss an opportunity to impart on her some important facts about protecting and caring for herself. She's still young enough that I may be able to prevent her from dating a series of losers.
My own mother never did anything but criticize all of my friends and BF's so after a while, I just tuned her out. If she had sat me down and calmly, lovingly explained why they were losers maybe I would have listened more. I don't know, can't change the past. But I've worked really hard at maintaining close relationships with my girls and I don't want to lose that!
Thanks again.
To be totally honest, as much as I'd be roiling inside, I'd likely let it go, because, as you said, she's going to be gone for 3 years, no breaks. That doesn't lend itself to a long distance relationship. Give her time to settle in to college and find other friends/boyfriends to take her mind off this; it's too 'in her face' right now.
And FWIW, I was terribly serious about a guy when I was 26-28 (granted, this is not a teen, but just hear me out). I have no idea if this is just me and my sappy romanticism or if it remotely parallels the situation, but for me, he was my 'first' (not first boyfriend!). I was absolutely devastated when I found out he cheated on me - I stopped eating well, was terribly depressed, etc. Anyway, with the encouragement of friends (I seriously doubt I'd have listened to my parents, then or as a teen about something so serious to me), I found another guy to hang out with, and a year or so later met dh. Once I found dh, we got serious rather fast. Well, this first guy came back and proposed. I still had very deep feelings BUT I went with my head and said no. It did take me years (after marriage) to be 100% sure I made the right decision; I was that wrapped up in the romance of him being my first. Maybe this has a remote parallel to your dd; maybe I just spilled my guts for no reason. But at any rate, maybe she's just that romantically tied to him and even I convinced myself someone like that could change and go back to the way things were...until I found someone more stable.
Sue
Thanks Sue. I am in agreement, I think that since this BF was her 'first' it makes it all the more difficult. And also about the newness of it all - yup, I agree as well, which is why I'm so on the fence about whether or not to give her the note or not. I will just want to run screaming into the woods if she takes this loser back so I thought that since we have such a close relationship at present, I would be able to share my inner thoughts with her about this/him without too much harm being done. She doesn't really have any friends. I know that sounds nuts, but she has some superficial friends, but no one who is a close confidante, no one to share her most inner pains and thoughts with except this one girl who is primarily unavailable to her most of time. There is one girl that dd says she might be able to get closer with, ironically the sister of the girl that her BF cheated with, but she's not sure that's a good idea and neither do I.
Before I give dd the note, I will feel her out when she gets home from work. She told me earlier that she hasn't spoken with BF and asked him to please leave her alone for a little bit so she can think. Thanks again.
Sorry to hear this is difficult for you.
I like the letter idea. I have an 18 year old daughter. I never thought of that. I know how hard it is not to impart our thoughts on them. In fact my daughter tells me all the time ahahaha. I have spoke my peace a couple of times and it did not always turn out for the better. But the letter will let her see your thoughts without the confrontation. Teens tend not to like confrontations with their parents.
Good luck, sounds like your on the right track.
Andie
Sounds like you handled this quite well, mom! I have a hard time biting my tongue under even the most trivial situations, so I am in awe of your self-control. (Trying really hard though!)
Since you have a really great relationship with your DD already, I think you should go ahead and give her the letter. Even though she may not like what you have to say (would this be considered yelling? If it's in letter form? Hhhmmm ...) she WILL have to recognize that there is some truth in there somewhere and will hopefully, respect you for your concern for her.
I hope the rest of your evening goes well. Keep us posted.
My DD broke up with her b/f several months ago. She said very little to me about this except that she wanted to date other people before she left for college. I thought this was a wonderful idea. I too wrote her a letter since she didn't really want to talk to me about this (which is odd b/c she talks pretty open about other things). Anyway, I waited a few days to give her letter. Basically I told her I love her and want her to be happy. I told her I thought that dating others was a good idea - how else will she know what she really wants in a mate. I truly think she gave my words alot of thought but wound up getting back together with him after three weeks - he cried!!
I think I would wait a few days before I gave her the letter. Wait until some of your anger has died down and reread it first. Also give her time to decide if she wants to stay with him. She may surprise you and decide on her own.
Good Luck to you both!
I have a 48 hour rule before I move on behalf of my kids-a lesson learned the hard way. I too would tuck it away for 48 hours and then decide-its not going to change the intended result if it sits 2 days
Perhaps DD has 'cheated' at some point herself? Not the 'big' cheat but maybe a sweet stolen kiss or a make out session? At 18, that can bring on some heavy guilt and it may be part of what is weighing in on her choice
And, silly as this sounds, maybe if that jealousy isnt there, this simply isnt as much a love relationship as she thinks(on her part)Its been a long time but that 'oh, well' attitude seems so out of whack for that age-isnt it more the time one over reacts and throws things?
I hope she dates like crazy at college-I really do!
I'm so sorry you are going through this but is sounds like you are being very thoughtful about what your response should be. I'd say since she's not in any danger (STDs an issue?) to let things sit a bit but make yourself available in case she wants to talk. If you can stick to questions that make her think rather than voicing your opinion, it might go over better (easier said than done, for sure).
I don't know what it is about teens that they can be in so much denial. We just went through a similar matter with my DD, age 19. She was seeing a guy who is a big drinker. In fact, the first time anyone in the family (DH) met him, the guy was drunk and my DD was driving his car. My DD was saying things like "all guys drink", "he's still fun to be around" etc. etc. I dropped occassional hints and knew I went too far when she asked me "you don't think he's good enough for me, do you?" and then I backed off. Fast forward about 3 weeks and he gets pulled over for a DUI (he got off - another story). Some kind of bell went off in my DD's brain and she realized she didn't want to have anything to do with someone so irresponsible. She called him and told him they needed to talk and is no longer seeing him. We were fortunate here because letting events run their course worked.
Good luck. It seems it was so much easier when they were toddlers.
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