BF cheated on dd18-need advice.
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| Thu, 08-24-2006 - 2:16pm |
Well, as much as we thought it would or could never happen, my dd18's BF, the controlling-I'm-so-madly-in-love-with-you BF cheated on her while she was away. He's blaming it on ADD and too much alcohol. He had sex with the town slut of all people. DD was away visiting her dad out of state for 4 days and he was hanging with his friend who was hanging with the girl. The friend went out for something and BF says it just happened. That was back in July.
Last week dd heard the suspected rumor and confronted BF - he denied it, twice. DD then confronted the girl and the girl gave just enough information to cause dd to have doubt and confront bf again. BF broke and told her it was true and then he told her how he cried and cried afterward, never wanted to hurt her, will work the rest of his life to make it up to her, etc. DD is heartbroken, but still hasn't broken up with the guy and was saying stuff like, "I know we've neglected our relationship so maybe if I was more attentive..." and, "he said he was drunk and that with his ADD he didn't know what he was doing till it was over..." She seems to think they can work this out and put it behind them and focus more on thier relationship. She asked me, "Isn't it kind of silly to break up over this ONE thing?" And I'm thinking, No, it's not silly - in fact, what will it take, what has to be so bad, that you will break up with him? Isn't this bad enough??
DD leaves for college in 4 weeks, for 3 years straight without breaks. I asked her when she thought she'd have any time to focus on thier relationship and if he cheated with her right under her nose, what made her think he'd wouldn't when she's 200 miles away for 3 years? I asked her if she thought maybe they should take a break while she is at school and then see how things are when she returns - you know, be free to meet other people with similar interests, etc.
Her BF is almost 21 and he hangs out with all kids who are younger than him. The girl he had sex with is 16. All of his friends are under 19. He's never traveled and has always only known this one horse town and the same people since birth. He doesn't go to school and has no immediate plans to do anything else with his life except work at his job and buy a house with his brother. He claims to be an ultra Christian, he and his family all go to bible church, and he has always spoke of his undying love for dd, has tried to prevent her from hanging out with friends from school and even got pissed when she worked with some guys from school that she's been friends with since 2nd grade! He would have liked them to be attached at the hip, but dd kept him at bay these past few months because she felt smothered. Now she's behaving like that makes it okay for him to cheat.
Where is her outrage? Where is her anger? I've been married 10 years and if my H cheated on me it would be over....why is she willing to settle for this kind of treatment from a BF at the age of 18 that she's only been with for less than 2 years? They have nothing vested in this relationship. This is not how I raised her - to be complacent like this, willing to be a doormat. Where is her self respect?
I listened patiently to her yesterday when she talked about it/vented, etc. I really had to hold my tongue and just be there for her. But today, the anger set in and I've written dd a letter with these questions and some thoughts I have. It's not a rant or anything. It basically just says that I love her and while I know it is hard to break up with BF, she needs to set up some boundaries with him so he knows he can't repeat this behavior on her or anyone else, that I think going away to college with a clean slate is better than being away and wondering how he's spending his time, etc. Should I give it to her?? She might be angry with me, but there are things that need to be said here and she doesn't really have any decent girlfriends to rely on in that regard. Her best friend (and I use that loosely) has a BF who constantly sleeps with other girls, so she is of no help at all. And her only other friend commented that she wondered if dd's BF would "do" her too! So, since dd does talk to me and listens to me, usually, I think that the limb I go out on will not be that weak...IOW, I think she needs to hear what I have to say and even if she gets angry with me, she will at least give it some thought.
What do you think?

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Thanks Pam & Everyone else. I've held on tight to the letter...dd and I went out to hit some balls at the driving range last night and she seems in decent spirits considering. She told me that the bf had tried to contact her via text message and she said she told him to not contact her - she would contact him when she is ready. So, that's at least a good sign.
I'm hanging on to the letter and I will wait to see if they make contact. If it seems like she's going to get back with him, wild horses couldn't keep me from giving her the letter and speaking my mind. The more time that passes, the angrier I get at him.
Thanks again everyone - you're all so awesome!
And Pam, thanks for taking the time to post; I hope things are going well with Jason.
**UPDATE**
Late last evening, dd asked me what I thought she should do for her BF's birthday later this week. I had a few choice suggestions, but I held my tongue and just said, "Nothing" but then I (surprisingly) began to cry a little and told her that my instinct was telling me to go over BF's house and smack him! Then I closed her door and asked her if I could give her a few questions to think about...she said yes as long as they weren't "mom types" of things. I told her they were things I would want a Gf to say to me if I were in her shoes (and since she doesn't really have any close friends...) and I gave her my letter and left her with it. By the time I was out of the shower 30 minutes later, her light was off so I went to bed.
This morning, she came into my room and was fine, no moods and no attitude - actually looked like she felt good and had settled on some things - I didn't ask or say anything.
She then left to have her hair cut and while she was gone I went in her room to see if she read my letter. She had, and underneath it she had made a cheat sheet type of note to herself of what she would say to BF when they get together to talk...everything I said in the letter was on her outline, so I guess that's good - at least she listened to and used some of what I had to say. Perhaps I said something she hadn't thought of.
Tonight, H and I went out to dinner and we discussed it briefly. H agrees that dd should let bf go and head off to college a free woman - free of the burdens and obligations a relationship carries with it. Thank God, for once, H and I are on the same page. Now it's all up to dd I guess.
Thanks again for all your support.
My HS boyfriend was actually pretty similar to how you've described your dd's BF. Kinda creepy, actually...
My mom used to lecture me all the time and it just went in one year & out the other. She never wrote me any letters herself but did keep an eye on the "Dear Abby" column for letters from dumb girls dealing w/ stupid loser boyfriends... (c: Good ol' mom. LOL!
When I went to college, I met so many new people. Within a month, that old BF was HISTORY! I discovered what a pleasure it was to hold INTELLIGENT conversation... found out a relationship doesn't involve one person dictating the terms to the other.
Hang in there. There's no way it'll last. She'll figure out what a loser he is...
Edited 8/26/2006 11:48 pm ET by ketue
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