bf found out he's hiv+

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2006
bf found out he's hiv+
20
Wed, 11-01-2006 - 4:15pm

Would you want to know if your son/daughter's boyfriend/girlfriend was hiv+?

If so then how would you want to be told?

What questions would you ask if told?

If they have had sex, but a condom was used every time would you want to know?

If they had been dating nine months and you liked the bf/gf, would you still like them if you found out they were hiv+?

If they had been dating nine months would you still let them go out together if you found out the bf/gf was hiv+?

I edited to add that I'm 15, my bf is 17. We think he got hiv last year during a severe car wreck last year with an hiv+ friend who died shortly after the crash.




Edited 11/1/2006 5:32 pm ET by skybluelover

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Avatar for kel7col4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-01-2006 - 4:25pm

Would you want to know if your son/daughter's boyfriend/girlfriend was hiv+?
***Most definitely!

If so then how would you want to be told?
***Straight up

What questions would you ask if told?
***Not sure, I guess it depends on the situation, but my biggest concern would be my ds/dd's health and risk factor.

If they have had sex, but a condom was used every time would you want to know?
***I would want to know whether a condom was used or not.

If they had been dating nine months and you liked the bf/gf, would you still like them if you found out they were hiv+?
***I would "try" not to be judgmental but who knows how one would react to this situation. I guess if it was due to his/her own recklessness, I would probably have some issues. If it was beyond the person's control, my feelings wouldn't change, but for my own childs safety.

If they had been dating nine months would you still let them go out together if you found out the bf/gf was hiv+?
***Well, I'm guessing it would depends on my child's age and maturity level. If they were able to be responsible, I probably wouldn't have much say in the matter. Otherwise, I would try to teach about responsibility and the stakes???

IDK these were hard questions.

Many Many hugs to you if this situation has hit you at home.




iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Wed, 11-01-2006 - 5:29pm

Would you want to know if your son/daughter's boyfriend/girlfriend was hiv+?
Yes

If so then how would you want to be told?
I would expect the b/f or g/f to tell me.

What questions would you ask if told?
I'm sure I would want to know how he got it but I don't know if I would ask. I would hope that he would volunteer the information.

If they have had sex, but a condom was used every time would you want to know?
I really don't know. I know that I wanted to know when my DD became sexually active so that I could get her birth control. But I also know that I worried every single time she was late starting. I could only imagine my worry if she caught a cold and was having sex with someone that was hiv+.

If they had been dating nine months and you liked the bf/gf, would you still like them if you found out they were hiv+?
I would still like them but I might not like them as a b/f for DD.

If they had been dating nine months would you still let them go out together if you found out the bf/gf was hiv+?
It would depend on their age and maturity level. If DD was 15 and she was dating someone that just found out they were hiv+, I would have some serious concerns and I honestly might consider not letting them continue the relationship. If they were both 17 and showed maturity and responsibility, then I don't think I would have that right but I'm sure I would consider it.

I would strongly suggest that your friend get tested before you worry about all the what if's that could along with it. I also would suggest that, at 15, you seriously consider whether or not you are ready to take on all the possible responsibilities that come with premarital sex - STDs, HIV, pregnancy, emotional pain, etc. You can have a very loving and strong relationship w/o sex and I think under the circumstances, you might want to give that a little thought. I'm not trying to judge you but these are very serious consequences and I would suggest that you focus on strengthening your relationship in other ways than physical.

Good Luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2006
Wed, 11-01-2006 - 7:00pm
How could your daughter convince you she is mature enough to stay together? This is my biggest fear. If I tell then I don't want to lose him. I think it would kill me to lose him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2006
Wed, 11-01-2006 - 7:02pm

My boyfriend has had two positive tests and one negative test. The first was a month after the car wreck and it was negative. When my boyfriend started getting sick a little bit ago the doctor retested and it was positive. He retested one more time just to make sure and it was positive too. The doctor said it was not bad enough to be responsible for his sickness though. They still put him on drugs for it.

How could your daughter convince you to let her continue seeing her boyfriend if she had my problem at my age? I can't lose my boyfriend. He means too much to me. Losing him would hurt me more than anything I could think of.

Would you make your daughter get tested if she didn't want to?

Our relationship ain't built on sex. We haven't had sex in about three weeks because he has problems because of Prozac.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2005
Wed, 11-01-2006 - 8:59pm

I find your questions very hard to answer - my DD is 15 and although she's very mature and has a level head on her shoulders, I can't imagine her ready to be sexually active or in a SERIOUS relationship with a boy two years older. Separate from the HIV issue, I think this is very intense for a HS romance. You've said you'd die without him and that losing him would hurt more than anything. I believe you that it feels that way, but that concerns me (as a mom) more than the HIV aspect of your post. Ask the moms on this board if they even remember who they were dating at 15yo.........

I don't mean to belittle your situation. And maybe by now you're ready to just delete the post.

If you were my DD,
1) I'd want/need to know your bf's hiv status, because it impacts on your health (physical and mental) and as a parent I'm responsible

2) I wouldn't like someone less if they were HIV pos, but I would be very hesitant to see my DD15 in a sexual relationship. It's a huge emotional commitment, not to mention a physical risk.

3) I'd want to be part of the discussion because it's too big for kids to take on themselves - "we think....." implies that even his parents aren't involved in the discussion. I know that teens think that they can take on anything, but believe me when I say that adults can add something to the situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2006
Wed, 11-01-2006 - 9:32pm

His parents are both involved. They know. I think they are taking it harder than both of us. I even saw his dad cry once. When I said we think he got it from the wreck I was talking about his parents, him, his doctor and me. Since he has never used drugs or had sex with anyone but me we don't think there is anywhere else he could have got it from. Ya know?

I want to tell my parents in case something happens, but only if I can find a way to do it without them breaking us up.

What could your daughter do or tell you for you to not make her break up with her boyfriend if she was in my situation?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2006
Thu, 11-02-2006 - 5:15am

As a parent I'll try to answer as I think I would react.

Of course I would want to know!

I would want to be told in as gentle a way as possible, one on one with my child.

I'm sure I would ask if they had used a condom every time.

Would I still like the hiv+ person? Liking a person has nothing to do with it. But if the person had known and did not inform my child before having sex, I would be furious.

Would I still let them go out together? Ok, number one. I wouild see to it that they were both tested immediatly. If the results were that the bf/gf was positive and my child was negative than I would try to put a stop to the relationship. What kind of parent would I be if I did not protect my child?

If the positive tested bf/gf had any decency in them, they would leave the relationship on their own, nine months into it or not. That would be the right thing to do.

Before you inform any of your parents, get tested.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2005
Thu, 11-02-2006 - 6:27am

>>>>What could your daughter do or tell you for you to not make her break up with her boyfriend if she was in my situation?<<<<

For me, honesty and responsibilty are the keys to gaining trust. The longer my DD kept such a big secret from me, the harder it would be to accept.

I have to add, though, as I said above, I would be spooked by how serious this relationship is .... regardless of HIV, I would probably want to make sure my DD kept the relationship in a reasonable perspective

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-02-2006 - 8:38am

I would want to know if dd had been tested and what the results were. I'd want to know how long they'd be having sex, how long they'd had sex after the crash, and if a condom was used.

I would be very skeptical of the method of tranmission. Sorry! I know that sort of thing happens, but it is very rare. I would strongly suspect BF had other sexual relationships or had used IV drugs. It would be very hard to erase that from my mind so I doubt I would feel the same about him at first

Time might heal that

Time DOES heal. Everyone here has lost a first love, a parent, or even a child. Everyone has felt they couldnt go on and everyone here has gone on. But I fully understand how hard it is to grasp that until you have lived it but people cant just collapse with grief-our world wouldnt function

I feel like those with HIV have every right to have partners and enjoy sex-they shouldnt be ostracized for life, no matter how they contracted the disease

But I dont feel 15 is old enough to accept that risk and agree with the others that I dont think 15 is old enough to be THIS serious about anyone.

I dont know what I would if it were my child but...remember, their first reaction is just that-a first reaction. They will calm down-give them time and dont read too much into the first 2-3 weeks. They will be in too emotional a state to be reasonable and consistent and could forbid you to see him and 2 weeks later change their mine-give them time to adjust

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Thu, 11-02-2006 - 9:45am

>Would you want to know if your son/daughter's boyfriend/girlfriend was hiv+?

Yes, because HIV is a serious illness with no cure and a great deal of symptoms and risks associated with it. Even if the risk of transmission could be avoided, the fact that my child was dating someone with a fatal illness would concern me from a standpoint of the emotional toll of something like this.

>If so then how would you want to be told?

I'd want to be told right away. And frankly, I'd want to be told that the relationship was not going to proceed. Seriously. Not to be cruel but where would such a relationship go? HIV is FATAL, there is NO CURE. You cannot have children together, you cannot live together without considering the impact on your lifestyle, the wellfare of everyone around you and watching a person suffer and die is extremely difficult.

>What questions would you ask if told?

I'd ask if they were tested and I'd ask my son or daughter to be tested as well.

>If they have had sex, but a condom was used every time would you want to know?

Yes, because condoms alone are not 100% effective. They would need to be used with a spermicide and even then, there is a small chance of transmission. With HIV ONLY no sexual relations at all could prevent transmission. I'd still want my child to be tested.

>If they had been dating nine months and you liked the bf/gf, would you still like them if you found out they were hiv+?

I would like them and I would feel great empathy towards them and want to help as much as I can. Would I want them to continue in a romantic relationship with my child? No. That's just the honest truth talking. Why would I want my child not only put at risk for contracting HIV but also have to watch someone deal with the symptoms and fallout of this disease? This is from the perspective of my child being FIFTEEN. This isn't about two consenting adults, fully aware of the risks, supporting someone they love through a difficult time. A 15 year old cannot understand everything involved.

>If they had been dating nine months would you still let them go out together if you found out the bf/gf was hiv+?

No. See above.

>I edited to add that I'm 15, my bf is 17. We think he got hiv last year during a severe car wreck last year with an hiv+ friend who died shortly after the crash.

Well, I'm really quite surprised here. This doesn't sound like a likely way to transmit and get HIV. Are you sure he is being fully honest with you? Has he been tested? Is he on medication? Is he symptom-free at this time? What is his prognosis? I'd say ask around and see if this is a possible way to get AIDS. I've never heard of anything like this.

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