bf found out he's hiv+

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2006
bf found out he's hiv+
20
Wed, 11-01-2006 - 4:15pm

Would you want to know if your son/daughter's boyfriend/girlfriend was hiv+?

If so then how would you want to be told?

What questions would you ask if told?

If they have had sex, but a condom was used every time would you want to know?

If they had been dating nine months and you liked the bf/gf, would you still like them if you found out they were hiv+?

If they had been dating nine months would you still let them go out together if you found out the bf/gf was hiv+?

I edited to add that I'm 15, my bf is 17. We think he got hiv last year during a severe car wreck last year with an hiv+ friend who died shortly after the crash.




Edited 11/1/2006 5:32 pm ET by skybluelover

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Thu, 11-02-2006 - 9:52am

First of all hugs to you and your b/f, I know this is difficult for you.

<> DD and her b/f would have to show me that they are both responsible enough to make smart decisions. I don't know you and you may be the exception but most 15 y/o's aren't mature enough for sex - there are way too many emotional consequences involved so knowing that and not having sex would be a real good start. Another thing that would show me responsibility is openness and honesty with me. This means talking to me calmly about this situation and listening to me when I speak. I would also probably insist that the time spent together would have to be supervised, at least until I was comfortable with all this and I couldn't begin to tell you how long that would be (if ever). I would also expect DD to follow my rules without argument. She could reasonably talk to me about why she would like me to reconsider my rules and I would promise to think about her reasons but she would ultimately have to let me know by her actions that she realizes that I am older and a little more experienced than she is and trust me. And even then, I still can't say for sure that I would agree with letting her continue to date him.

<>

Most definitely. This is one of those areas that DD would have to accept that mom knows what's best. Your physical and emotional well-being come first and early detection and treatment is the key to living with most illnesses and HIV is no different. Testing would be mandatory on whatever schedule her doctor suggested.

Suppose you do wind up married to this guy in 4 or 5 or 10 years, do you want him exposed to the colds and viruses that you'll be susceptible to if you do HIV and let it go untreated? Do you want him to have to take care of you (clean your bedpan and change your diaper, feed you, etc) all b/c you weren't treated early enough?

Talking with your parents (or maybe another trusted adult) is your first order of business. Getting tested should be next in line.

By the way, they WILL find out at some point and I promise it will come much better from you than from someone else. This will be a stepping stone to establishing that responsibility I talked about earlier. Plus, we parents tend to automatically assume the worse when it comes to things like this. If they heard this from someone else, their imaginations would run wild and they'd be all paniced before they ever talked to you.

Good Luck and let us know how talking with your parents goes!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Thu, 11-02-2006 - 9:54am

If you were my daughter I would want to know asap, I would have you tested and ask you to abstain from sex even with a condom. Your life and health would be more important to me than your love relationship as a teenager.

Please, please don't let fear that your parents will break you up keep you from telling them the complete truth. Not telling them could put your life in jeopardy. Frankly, and you may have a hard time hearing this, but if your bf knows he is hiv+ and still wants to have sex with you, he is not really selflessly in love with you. Nobody that truly loves you will risk putting you in harms way. That is the harsh truth.

I know somebody who is hiv+ through some careless personal behavior and I still like them.

Please, please urge him to be open and honest about this with his parents and doctors so that he can get good medical treatment. The new medicines are wonderful now.

This could happen to my daughter too. That's why I'm advising you as I have done.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2006
Thu, 11-02-2006 - 2:07pm

I am very serious about him because he has helped me though a lot in my life. He believes in me and sometimes that actually makes me feel good about myself. Before we started dating I was cutting myself a few times per day, now it is a few times per week. I was addicted to Adderall and now I'm clean. It is all cause of him. Without him I'm sure I would have suicided by now. He is the one person in my life who I can tell everything to. He is the only person who knows more about me than my parents.

I heard what people here said and I'm going to tell my parents next week.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2006
Thu, 11-02-2006 - 2:10pm

You made good points. I blew off school today. We found out the local health department does free testing. I got tested and I'll talk to my parents after I get the results back next week. I expect it will be negative.

It makes me very worried to talk to my parents, but everyone I talk to says that I should. I'll just have to suck it up I guess.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Thu, 11-02-2006 - 3:19pm

I'm glad that you took the step to get tested. If your parents find out that skipped school today, please just go ahead and tell them why. Lying to them (which is exactly what my DD would have done at 15) will only make matters worse in the long run.

Good Luck and I'm saying a prayer for you and your b/f. Please feel free to post again if you need to vent.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2005
Fri, 11-03-2006 - 12:19pm

I have to tell you something. I worked in HIV research for many many years both in a lab and clinic. I worked for one of the major centers in the US. I have seen and heard it ALL. I was there in the early days when we had very few treatments and AIDS related deaths on a scale you are too young to appreciate. I left a couple years ago when the medicine was

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2006
Fri, 11-03-2006 - 10:30pm

I know what you are saying. I know it can't be cured. I really don't care.

We haven't been doing anything sexual for a while now. His Prozac which he takes for depression is messing him up.

My boyfriend suggested breaking up after he found out. He told me he would understand if I didn't want to be with him because of this. I told him breaking up absolutely wasn't an option. He does care for me, but I put myself at risk willingly. I don't give a damn about my life without him in it.

He has helped me so much. I would never abandon him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2006
Fri, 11-03-2006 - 10:34pm

My boyfriend's mom teaches at the jr high. She pulled strings and had them let us leave without notifying my parents. She knew what we were up to and said it was a good idea and OK with her. No lying or confrontation when I got home.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2005
Sun, 11-05-2006 - 1:00pm
You don't have to abandon your boyfriend, I never said you should.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2003
Sun, 11-05-2006 - 3:36pm

I don't post on here very often, but lurk all the time and have read all the posts (I've got all girls 14, 12, 4, & 1). I would definitely want to know if my DD boyfriend was HIV + and most especially if she was sexually active with him. Not sure how I'd react, but I'm sure I wouldn't be happy.

I realize you really don't want to lose him, or be forced to break up. And, you say you don't care about your life without him. The thing most teens have to deal with is a pregnancy. How would you.... or better yet he... feel if you continued to be sexually active, you were infected, were not positive initially and converted in a few months while you were pregnant? I think it takes a while for you to show positive. How would you feel (and him, most importantly) if you got pregnant and passed HIV on to an innocent baby?

A good man, would put your needs above his own. A good man, worthy of the love you are speaking of would in NO WAY place your health above his needs of sexual release. There are many ways for you to be supportive of to him. Your relationship does not have to be sexual in nature. This is a huge thing to be dealing with at the age of 15, or 17. You both need to put the sexual aside. If you're going to be there for each other, sex needs to be last on the list for a while.

I know you were going to be tested. I hope all works out for both of you! He is lucky to have you to care about him. But, you do need to stop and be very careful about your own health - you may chose to have children one day - and you don't really want to worry about passing an incurable disease on to your babies.

Sallie

Pages