b/f parents unpredictable
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| Mon, 10-30-2006 - 7:41am |
My daughter's b/f parents are very nice people. They treat her very well and she is for all purposes included as one of the family. They have been together over 2 years. She is 19 and he 18. She is in her first year of college and only about 20 minutes away from home. He is in his senior year and has picked a college and they have offered a nice scholarship that is only about 40 minutes away. This is the way they wanted it, to be close together. They have talked marriage.
He received a scholarship offer from a school that is really far away. This scholarship would not pay even close to what he would need to go there, compared to the college he has picked which will pay for half. My daughter, who has a bit of a self esteem problem, seems to think that his parents want him to go far away so maybe this relationship will fizzle out. His mom had an attitude last night when he flat out told her to throw out the letter to the college that is 5 hours away. His parents are very controling of him in every aspect and they just think he is the greatest kid in the world, and he is, but I do know some things that would bring him down a peg, just as all teenagers have faults.
My daughter asked what I thought, I am just truely am not sure. She said she could not handle a long distance relationship, even though that makes her sound selfish. She thinks it is her, I do not want to believe that these people are that shallow that they will just keep thinking, well my son could do better. My daughter wants him to speak up for himself and say, I don't want to go far away to school, which he does not. He sorta did last night when he told her to throw away that offer from that school.
Any ideas how to approach my daughter with this.
Andie

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I don't know that there is much you can do, other than be a strong support for your DD should her bf go with what his parents want. I tend to be a 'glass half-empty' kind of person and I would be upset by this too!
Could it be that the 2nd school has a bit better of a reputation? More prestigious? Would it be more advantageous in the long run for their DS to attend that school, vs. the one closer to home?
On the flip side, it could very well be that they want their DS to go off to college unencumbered by any relationship at all. Perhaps they want him to feel free to fully embrance college life, meet new people, etc.
Unfortunately, this may be one of those situations where it is best to keep your opinions on the subject to yourself, as hard as it may be, and try and think positive that bf's parents only have his best interests at heart.
You just never know, bf just may surprise you and stick with his original college choice anyway!
Hang in there!
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Yep, that would be me!
DS2 never had anything close to a serious relationship in high school and then ended up getting struck by Cupids arrow the last 2 months of summer before he left for college!
I was and am not happy as I think one should go into their first experience away from home unencumbered by a BF or GF.
I am not doing anything to actively thwart it but then I really didnt have that option as these parents do. She is a year ahead of him and, by late in the summer, I dont know that either of them could have changed to the same school(they are about 2 hours apart and both have cars)
Still, I would like to think I would have stayed out of it even if I had the opportunity but.......I'm human ;) I may have done something subtle
If it is true love, it will survive the separation. And, if its not, then let's allow the both of them to enjoy their youth! There's plenty of time for commitment and marriage ahead.
Neither of you should take it personally-it's not personal for me. I married at 27 and I just expect the same of my kids-I know people fall in love at 16 and marry and stay married but it's not my frame of reference so my feelings on DS2 and the GF are based on THAT, not feeling GF isnt good enough for my son. Make sense?
I am definitely gonna keep my opinions to myself. They have to work it out. He has told his parents and my daughter that he is sticking to his first college choice. It is a great school and no reason they wouldn't want him to go there. He has already visited there and talked to the football coach, they want him to play defense and football is passion. They even told my daughter that they were going back down to check it out again and they want her to go along. I think my daughter is just paranoid, I will just tell her that.
They had broken up for a short period of time over the summer. He was so distraught, he was uncontrolable. Even after they went back together, they took him to see a therapist. I think they will realize that making him go away where he can't see anyone is just gonna bring this up all over again. Not just my daughter, but they are a very close knit family and he is very family oriented. I don't think he wants to leave them either.
As far as the college experience, from what I have heard, I would rather she study hard through the week and have a steady b/f to come home to. The "experience" these days seems to be drunk and sleeping with everything in sight, not what I want for my daughter. Maybe it is different in other places, but where we are that is all I hear and see of my daughter's friends who are at college.
Thanks for letting me vent and the advice!!!!!!
I think I know exactly what his parents are thinking, because when my 18dd recently left for college I couldn't wait for her to leave so she could put some space between her and her then bf. And not because he was evil, but because they are so young! They too were talking about possible marriage in a couple of years. She was becoming enmeshed in his family's lives and I really and truly wanted MORE for her. I didn't necessarily want her to 'dump him' and especially not out of malice, though they did break up for other reasons. There is more to life to be lived out there.
Being away from all that she knows and everyone that she has always hung out with allows her the opportunity to experience a part of herself that she never knew existed. It allows my dd to be self sufficient and the opportunity to learn how to balance her time and her work and her educational responsibilities. She can meet people and be accepted at face value, not based on what they've heard or what they expect from her.
Putting some distance between herself and her bf allowed her to see just how much of life she was cutting herself off from...and I am not talking about other bf's or going out and partying. It's about exploring who she is and what she likes and who she wants to spend her time with. For 18 years she has been this really cautious, socially conscious young girl, ladened with expectations from her family, friends and bf, his family and friends, bosses, etc. Now, away from everyone, she can be who she wants to be, explore who she is, delve a little more deeply into newfound interests, etc.
If dd was still connected to her bf here at home, she would be less inclined to use her down time or weekends exploring outside of her relationship with her bf, family, friends, etc. Instead they'd be using down time to make up for the time she is away.
There is a lot of life to be lived out there and the last thing I would want is to see my dd/ds locked into a serious relationship at this stage of life.
>>I really think that part of Jason's problems this last year stemmed from he and Amanda trying to stay together when in fact it was really time for both of them to move on to the next chapters of their life>>
I really think that's true, Pam. As someone standing on the outside looking in, it's easier for you (a parent/person OUTside of the relationship) to see those things. Whereas, the people 'in the thick' of things really do not have the clarity to understand and know that it may be time to move on or at least take a step back.
Someone posted that if it's meant to be, thier relationship, or at least a strong friendship, will endure the time and distance. However, they each need to be free to explore life a little before settling down. I strongly urge every college student to go off unencumbered by the constraints of a relationship. It's just healthier and less stressful.
I'd advise your dd that she could have well been the one in a similar position. I don't know what her future goals and ambitions are but if she were to receive a scholarship offer from a major university that would give her a better, high profile education, would she have her relationship hold her back?
Now, maybe, if she has self-esteem issues, she would. Maybe she would pick her relationship over her education and career. Young people, as we all know because we've all been there, always think relationships are going to be forever. We find a person we love, we get involved, we talk about marriage and thoughts about how that relationship might end do not enter our heads. We fall in love and we think "forever, together".
But...truth is...all we can really guarantee is that there are no guarantees in life. And if we have the opportunity to do something great in our lives or get a really great offer that might make our futures more secure financially or whatever, it is irresponsible NOT to take it. The young man could turn down the offer, go to a local school, meet someone else or change his mind and they break up and he'd resent his decision to not take his opportunity when he could. At 18 and 19 years old there's just too much "in the air"...
We all tend to think things are "all about us" but I think this time it isn't about your daughter...its about her boyfriend and the best decision for his future.
Edited 10/30/2006 3:01 pm ET by diamondslb
Thanks to all for the advice, and it is sound advice. Just not what I think my daughter would want to hear. Not that I should tell her only what she wants to hear, but I know her very well. The college he wants to attend is a very good school, especially for psychology. We helped with our daughter's decision, but financial issues as well as her choices had to be factored in. It wasn't all to stay here for him. He was a part of her life she weighed when making her decision. I know he wants to do the same for her. They are both very grounded, intelligent kids.
I just feel there is too much thinking with the brain and not the heart. At what point is it old enough to be in love. I have many many friends who have been together since high school, very successful college graduates with very stable marriages. It is hard to tell her that "well things are different now", that doesn't fly. True there are different things, but love is love. These two feel they have met for a reason and want to make this relationship work, heading towards marriage. They are both very family oriented and want very much to have a family of their own someday. I believe there are just couples who can make it work and some that can't. I will just tell her, they can do their best and if it is meant to be, it will work out. Love, afterall, can conquer all so it has been said.
Could it be that his parents just feel that he will get a better education at the other school? How do the two schools compare academically? Is he planning to go to grad school? Does one have a higher acceptance rate, etc? This may be all there is to it.
Also, his parents may truly be trying to put a little distance between. Depending on long they've been dating, they may feel that he needs to experience life as a single person. My dD has been in 2 relationships in the past 4 years straight. She has never really been a single teen-ager. It wouldn't matter if I thought her b/f was "THE" one or not or if he was a true saint, I would want her to have the single experience b/c I think it will make her a better, stronger person. She would be probably be better able to handle different personalities, different likes/dislikes, etc. I did try to get DD to consider going to a different college from her b/f but ultimately it was her decision.
I would simply explain to her that she has to respect his parents simply b/c they do love him and I'm sure that they feel that they are doing what's best for him. I would encourage her not to put him in a position of feeling like he has to choose his parents or her or to make him feel like he has to defend his parents to her or her to them. She needs to try to remain neutral about this and be supportive of whatever decision he makes.
DD and her b/f did the long distance thing for two years. They didn't like it but they did it. If they are committed to making it work, it will work. This is what she may have to decide - does she want to make it work?
Good Luck!!
>>I will just tell her, they can do their best and if it is meant to be, it will work out. Love, afterall, can conquer all so it has been said.
Love does conquer a great deal. And I am a person who has led her life with decisions of the "heart" ahead of the "mind" and sometimes even common sense. But one thing I have learned, and it has been a bitter lesson, is that while love can survive alot, it takes a very difficult beating when resentment and bitterness and regret come into play.
Love is also about supporting the person we love towards becoming the best they can be, and helping them achieve their dreams. I know a woman who immigrated here from Russia with her husband seven years ago. When they immigrated she had more transferable experience and found work readily. He was a professional engineer and had to get qualified locally or not work. He endured through basic jobs, well below his level of education and experience so that they could make money but he was miserable. And it made his marriage miserable. One day he got a chance to get a job with a company that would get him his qualifications. But it meant he had to spend two years in Siberia managing a project. It was very very hard for his wife but she let him go, even though it meant she was here alone for 6 months at a time, with their son, before he had some time to visit. She said that as hard as it was for her and as much as she would miss him, he needed to do this to feel like he was contributing his fair share again.
I learned alot from her. She sacrificed her own happiness and sense of security living alone in a country where she had no relatives for him to find his success and place in the world again. They are extremely attached to each other having come through alot together but they persevered and every time they did meet it was like a honeymoon for them. His 2 years in Russia was followed by another 18 months in South America -- again with long stretches of time away, in a jungle. But now he is qualified, he makes a great deal of money and he finally feels good about himself again.
Love means believing in the strength of your relationship enough to put the interests of the other person ahead of your own.
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