BF who makes belittling comments
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BF who makes belittling comments
| Sat, 02-18-2006 - 8:10am |
I always seem to be asking for advice regarding my 16-year-old DD, but my other two kids give me very little trouble, quite frankly. Here goes... you may have read some of my previous posts about dd's bf. He can be a real sweetheart when just the two of them are together, but in front of his friends or in public he makes comments to belittle her. This is really bugging me!! I have taken dd to the side and said, "Did he just say you're dumb or a bitch-ass?" and she will shrug it off and act like it's no big deal. The other day we were in a store and he looked at the clerk (who was rather out of shape and had a big tummy) and said "that's how you're gonna look in a couple years." The thing is ... maybe he is right about that one. She used to be a competitive swimmer and was in excellent shape. Since last summer, she has been doing a lot of sitting around and eating junk food, going to McDonald's and generally just being unmotivated (coincides with when she started dating bf). So after about 9 months of lack of exercise and poor eating habits, she has put on about 10 pounds and lost most of her good muscle tone. Should I even say anything?? I have encouraged her to exercise because it "helps with stress, makes everyone feel better, gives energy, etc." but have avoided the issue of the weight gain because I know how sensitive females can be about that subject. There seem to be several issues here and I just don't know how to handle this all. Since dating bf 1). She has given up swimming, 2). She wants to just sit around and not do anything, 3). He makes belittling comments 4). She acts like it's no big deal that he says things 5). Her father has never found a way to be warm and loving to her. Does she need a (another)discussion on why she should have more self-respect? Or is this normal 16-year-old behavior? Lately I have been trying to get her busy with "jobs" around the house so she is not just sitting. SOMETIMES she will do these. I work at a fitness center and offered to pay for her to go work out there, which she has done once. Do I insist she at least walk 3 days a week? She says she "doesn't take walks" to which I said she should use the elliptical trainer (she likes that). She will start soccer in March and I am afraid the same thing will happen with that as swimming. Bf will want her to try to get out of soccer related things and she won't feel so much a part of the team. Her interest will dwindle and she'll be back on the couch with him watching TV. Should I say any more to her about all this or just leave it for her to figure out??? She also takes hi-hop dancing once a week and she is always asking me if she can skip and go to his house. I keep saying "NO, the class was paid for, you said you wanted to do this. Now go." How do I get her to stick with the things that make her better? At this point it is always just a big argument. She also doesn't understand when I try to get her to see that her bf is controlling (and BOY am I careful how I say things about the bf! She gets so angry if I say anything negative about him).
Deb
Deb

This sounds like a very unhealthy relationship for your DD... not because b/f encourages her to be a couch potato, but because she's giving up things she enjoys because he wants her to.
i agree with rose... i don't know what to tell you to do.
i think, at this point, you need to just concentrate on rebuilding your relationship with your dd, just talking about things 'in general' leaving the liens of communication wide open- without going into the bf issue, her self esteem, etc, at all. she already knows that you are not happy with him - hopefully, one day, she will see him for what he is. and when that happens - she will know that she can come to you. but don't try to 'prove' that he is controlling. maybe just talk about things 'in general terms' - maybe in a movie or something.
as for his remarks about her not being in shape - he may be right that she is not in shape but his remark was unbelieveably rude, outta place, and yet another sign of control. i agree with rose that what is the problem is the fact that she is giving up so much 'for him'. you can't insist that she exercise, but if there are things that she likes doing - you should definately encourage that.
you've complimented their relationship, pointed out the problem, and made a point to how precious your daughter is to both of you. its what I would do. good luck! k-