BF who makes belittling comments

Avatar for jupiterfit
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Registered: 05-12-2003
BF who makes belittling comments
5
Sat, 02-18-2006 - 8:10am
I always seem to be asking for advice regarding my 16-year-old DD, but my other two kids give me very little trouble, quite frankly. Here goes... you may have read some of my previous posts about dd's bf. He can be a real sweetheart when just the two of them are together, but in front of his friends or in public he makes comments to belittle her. This is really bugging me!! I have taken dd to the side and said, "Did he just say you're dumb or a bitch-ass?" and she will shrug it off and act like it's no big deal. The other day we were in a store and he looked at the clerk (who was rather out of shape and had a big tummy) and said "that's how you're gonna look in a couple years." The thing is ... maybe he is right about that one. She used to be a competitive swimmer and was in excellent shape. Since last summer, she has been doing a lot of sitting around and eating junk food, going to McDonald's and generally just being unmotivated (coincides with when she started dating bf). So after about 9 months of lack of exercise and poor eating habits, she has put on about 10 pounds and lost most of her good muscle tone. Should I even say anything?? I have encouraged her to exercise because it "helps with stress, makes everyone feel better, gives energy, etc." but have avoided the issue of the weight gain because I know how sensitive females can be about that subject. There seem to be several issues here and I just don't know how to handle this all. Since dating bf 1). She has given up swimming, 2). She wants to just sit around and not do anything, 3). He makes belittling comments 4). She acts like it's no big deal that he says things 5). Her father has never found a way to be warm and loving to her. Does she need a (another)discussion on why she should have more self-respect? Or is this normal 16-year-old behavior? Lately I have been trying to get her busy with "jobs" around the house so she is not just sitting. SOMETIMES she will do these. I work at a fitness center and offered to pay for her to go work out there, which she has done once. Do I insist she at least walk 3 days a week? She says she "doesn't take walks" to which I said she should use the elliptical trainer (she likes that). She will start soccer in March and I am afraid the same thing will happen with that as swimming. Bf will want her to try to get out of soccer related things and she won't feel so much a part of the team. Her interest will dwindle and she'll be back on the couch with him watching TV. Should I say any more to her about all this or just leave it for her to figure out??? She also takes hi-hop dancing once a week and she is always asking me if she can skip and go to his house. I keep saying "NO, the class was paid for, you said you wanted to do this. Now go." How do I get her to stick with the things that make her better? At this point it is always just a big argument. She also doesn't understand when I try to get her to see that her bf is controlling (and BOY am I careful how I say things about the bf! She gets so angry if I say anything negative about him).
Deb
Debbie
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Registered: 10-16-1999
Sat, 02-18-2006 - 10:08am

This sounds like a very unhealthy relationship for your DD... not because b/f encourages her to be a couch potato, but because she's giving up things she enjoys because he wants her to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 02-18-2006 - 10:49am

i agree with rose... i don't know what to tell you to do.

i think, at this point, you need to just concentrate on rebuilding your relationship with your dd, just talking about things 'in general' leaving the liens of communication wide open- without going into the bf issue, her self esteem, etc, at all. she already knows that you are not happy with him - hopefully, one day, she will see him for what he is. and when that happens - she will know that she can come to you. but don't try to 'prove' that he is controlling. maybe just talk about things 'in general terms' - maybe in a movie or something.

as for his remarks about her not being in shape - he may be right that she is not in shape but his remark was unbelieveably rude, outta place, and yet another sign of control. i agree with rose that what is the problem is the fact that she is giving up so much 'for him'. you can't insist that she exercise, but if there are things that she likes doing - you should definately encourage that.

Avatar for jupiterfit
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Registered: 05-12-2003
Sun, 02-19-2006 - 9:45am
I think she stays with him because he is quite protective of her, which makes her feel secure. As I said, her father unfortunately could never express affection to her; he has always been too busy being arrogant and wanting everyone to notice him at the expense of the good things the kids were doing. Anyway, I am considering a separation. Long story. But I know parenting can really affect relationships for kids as they go through life. I will try my best to help dd not make the same mistakes I did with bf then dh. Hard to make the point to a 16-year-old though. Seems like she is dating someone with alot of the same personality traits as her father (mean comments, lack of motivation, plays x-box for too long, financially irresponsible), even though she cannot get along with her dad. The bf DOES have some good qualities though. He is very affectionate to her and the two of them seem to have very good communication. And they do really watch out for one another and have stopped one another from making bad decisions. I should be greatful for those things. I guess I will continue to take the approach I have been and that is, if I hear something I don't like, I will casually mention it and say I didn't like that. They are both still growing up too (me too).
Debbie
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2005
Sun, 02-19-2006 - 2:15pm
here's an idea, have you tried talking to the bf? this can be tricky as I am sure he will report back to dd. but from your posts bf spends alot of time around so maybe, the next time you get a chance, (like ask him to help you put something in attic shed garage etc.) and then tell him. Start out with you really LIKE them way you look out for dd etc. , BUT when I hear 'bitch-ass' etc. you find it offensive , and hurtful. then ASSURE him that you dont BELIEVE he MEANS to inflict so much hurt to dd and to you , as he is such a NICE young man, and your sure he , now knowing its hurtful, can curb that behavior, as you BOTH know dd DESERVES to be treated with respect. END oF conversation. THANK him for helping you , and go about you business, or immediately offer to take them both to pick out movies or something. do not give him an opening to 'discuss' any of it, state it all like fact.
you've complimented their relationship, pointed out the problem, and made a point to how precious your daughter is to both of you. its what I would do. good luck! k-
Avatar for jupiterfit
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Registered: 05-12-2003
Sun, 02-19-2006 - 3:30pm
Yes, I appreciate your examples of what to say. Especially since this is the approach I have been trying to use... sometimes it's hard to know what to say and to not sound mean. If an opportunity comes up I'll try. I just wonder how things go when she is not with him and he is around other friends. Sometimes my son is in such situations with him. I think he'd speak up.
Debbie