BFF or not BFF... or just typical?

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Registered: 12-31-1969
BFF or not BFF... or just typical?
10
Fri, 07-27-2012 - 8:34pm

My daughter has a best friend - they've been inseparatable for the past two years.

The past couple of weeks her BFF has been treating her so badly that my daughter has come home crying day after day, (they're in the same summer camp). The camp they're in is a performance camp. My daughter got the solo for one of the  numbers the first day of camp, and her BFF has been glaring at her, and excluding her all week. She's also talking about her behind her back, (another friend called my daughter and told her what was said...).

My daughter tried talking to her, the BFF claimed "nothing was wrong", and made it sound like it was all my daughter's imagination. But the next day it was the same treatment - didn't even say hi, and they're supposed to be best friends. I asked my daughter why she didn't just go over to her friend and say hi. She said that she was afraid that it would only make things worse - that she could tell this girl didn't want to include her.

I'm so mad, and sad for my kid. I can do without this girl in her life, (clearly nobody needs this kind of friend), but know it will take time for my daughter to get over this.

Any advice?

 

 

 

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Fri, 07-27-2012 - 9:57pm

<<<Any advice?>>> Stay out of it. Totally. IGNORE IT. 10 to 1, they'll be friends again, and your dd will NOT want you saying (or thinking) bad things about the other kid. Think of it as training for when they break up with, then get back together with BOYFRIENDS. They hate 'em while they're broke up, but love 'em when they get back together. Teens have short, selective memories.

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Sat, 07-28-2012 - 12:10pm

It is pretty typical, some girls really love the drama and do a lot of this stuff. My dd had one "bff"--not! that I thought treated dd pretty poorly so after listening to dd's laments for a while I decided to take the opportuntiy to talk about what defines a friend and how friends treat each other. I never said anything bad specifically about the bff but dd could clearly see that bff did not have/practice many of the desireable traits. On her own, dd decided to cool the friendship and more importantly learned some things about evaluating future friends.

I do have to say that her "true" bff did some mean or very inconsiderate things in the early years of their friendship, things that to me would have been deal-breakers even when I was a teen. But dd put up with it and they have been inseparable for 10+ years. Lots of ups and downs over those years, but bff is the one person that dd feels she can always turn to. Some of it is just the age and as they mature they learn how to treat others and how they want to be treated.

Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Mon, 07-30-2012 - 1:30pm
elc11 wrote:

It is pretty typical, some girls really love the drama and do a lot of this stuff. My dd had one "bff"--not! that I thought treated dd pretty poorly so after listening to dd's laments for a while I decided to take the opportuntiy to talk about what defines a friend and how friends treat each other. I never said anything bad specifically about the bff but dd could clearly see that bff did not have/practice many of the desireable traits. On her own, dd decided to cool the friendship and more importantly learned some things about evaluating future friends.

 

We had similar conversations with our girls too, at different points.  Giving them a framework like that can help them clarify what they're feeling and evaluate whether it matters or not.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-1998
Wed, 08-01-2012 - 10:20am

I know I'm chiming in late (I've been camping with my Girl Scouts), but your comment about moving in a few weeks caught my attention.   A lot of people can't handle goodbyes because it hurts too much.  So, instead, they act as disagreeable as possible, thinking that will make the transition easier (if she hates me, or thinks I hate her, then we don't have to go through the emotional trauma of goodbye).

Of course, i don't have teen girls, so it could just be all the girl stuff that other posters have mentioned, but it could be the moving thing.  My middle son, who has Asperger's Syndrome, could never handle any sort of transition well--from a friend moving to the end of the school year.  Inevitably, he would start acting mean and disagreeable and lash out at his friends and teachers.  We finally figured out that this was the only way he could handle goodbyes.

Elizabeth

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Thu, 08-02-2012 - 9:12pm

I think this is all part of the learning process we go through when learning how to select friends.   My DD has experienced nastiness and jealousy in the face of academic achievement.  And she knows to never get involved with the same girl when doing performance.  It's really horrible, but it does teach us a lot about those we choose to spend time with.   

If I were you, I'd have a word with the staff at the camp.   I'm sure they would have strategies for dealing with this.