Binge drinking lesson for youth group???

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Binge drinking lesson for youth group???
11
Mon, 04-10-2006 - 11:49am

The Fri night of spring break DD's b/f went with some friends to Memphis. DD made him promise to not drink too much before he left but of course he did. He called her at 2:30 in the morning saying he was lost and the guys weren't answering their cell phones. Keep in mind he doesn't have a car and they had been at the bars in downtown Memphis - not the safest place in the world. He actually wanted her to come get him but he didn't know where he was. Well she called the guys he was supposed to be with but they weren't answering so she called one of his friends that didn't go. He got up at 3:00 am and drove to downtown Memphis and drove around. In the meantime, she's still trying to call everyone she knows in Memphis to find him. Finally at 5 am, she gets ahold of one friend that says the b/f is in his friend's apt and is passed out. No one knows how he got there and where he had been. She mentioned all this in passing to me the next afternoon when the youth director called her wanting to know if they had found b/f. She had called the youth director to see if he knew the directions to his fraternity house in Memphis b/c one of b/f's friends is in that fraternity.

I want to impress on DD just how serious this is becoming. The weekend after that he beat someone up when he was drunk and then earlier this semester he got lost on campus walking around drunk.

There is a story in the news about a student that got drunk and was walking home in the snow. He took a wrong turn and was found 4 days later dead in a river. The youth director and I both feel that due to the high number of high school seniors in the group we need to address drinking in college in the next few weeks. I want to take this story and let the senior high students take on the role of one of his family members or friends. They are to write about how this 'accident' will effect their lives and how they felt during the days this young man was missing. We are then going to do a mock wake/memorial type of thing with the middle high kids watching. The hope is that the senior high will take on the role of this young man's mother/father/brother/girlfriend, etc. and give it some thought. They will each write their own parts. In thinking about and writing their parts, I hope it will help them to realize what can and does happen. I also think the middle high will listen to this more if it comes from the senior high.

Our youth director also has a speaker planned for that night on teen-age drinking. So they will also have an outside source to think about. Do you think this will make an impact?

My first thought was just to sit down with DD and read this story to her and talk to her about the seriousness of this situation. But I think she'll only hear part of it b/c she will get defensive after a few minutes even if I don't mention his name. I think if she has to really put a little thought into this and come up with the answers herself it might make a difference.

What do you think? I don't want to use the entire group to accomplish my own personal agenda but I also think that my daughter isn't that much different from most of the kids in the group. They will all face this at some point and they need to think now about how they will handle this and about the impact that their actions has on others.

Here's the link to the Patrick Kycia story. http://www.cnn.com/CNN/Programs/anderson.cooper.360/blog/2006/04/drinking-and-drowning.html

I would like your opinions on this and any other suggestions that you might have as to how to handle this.

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Avatar for mjaye2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-10-2006 - 2:00pm

>>I don't want to use the entire group to accomplish my own personal agenda<<

I don't think in any way this is only *your* personal agenda. It is *every* parents' concern, and kudos to you and your youth director for taking this on. I personally think it has a very good chance on making an impact, moreso than just someone spouting words at them. How very awful for the parents of the child who died, my heart goes out to them. Hopefully by using the tragedy of their loss, especially in the way you propose, this child's death can save another. Any way your dd could get her b/f to attend? It could open his eyes, or at least make him think about it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Mon, 04-10-2006 - 2:51pm

I think what you're doing is fantastic. Maybe slightly off topic, but have you and your dd (and perhaps his family if they are not in denial) considered staging an intervention for bf? As much as you would like it, he doesn't seem to be going anywhere anytime soon -this boy needs some serious help, before it's too late.

Don't mean to put even more on your already loaded plate...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Mon, 04-10-2006 - 3:03pm

I don't think you would be 'using' the youth group to meet your own agenda goals at all. It sounds like this would be a very timely topic to introduce to the group, since you mention there are a large number of high school seniors who will be leaving the nest before long and will be faced with a number of challenges, only one of which will be drinking and partying.

I also feel that your idea of a role-playing approach of addressing the topic is a great one. It would put them in a position of actually having to think and feel about how their own families, friends, etc., would respond to such a tragedy if it were to occur -- not just to them, but to any friend of theirs as well.

I think it's great ... let us know how it goes.

Julie

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 9:52am

I wish I could get her b/f to attend but he will be away at school and we feel it is important to do this before the kids start scattering for the summer. I have give some thought to videoing it and, if I do, then I will try to show it to him.

Thanks for your words of support.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 10:16am
We've discussed this problem with his parents. His mom has known all along about her son's drinking but just sees it as youthful fun. She doesn't tell his dad b/c his dad gets upset and tries to punish him or at the very least talk to him about it. DH and I did sit down with b/f, DD, and b/f's parents once and talked about a very specific situation where his drinking got our DD into trouble with her softball coach (long story). His mom was very angry with us for spilling the beans to his dad. His dad was naturally upset with his son and grounded him for a week. His dad was very angry with his wife for not telling him about all this. I seriously doubt that the mother or the father has a clue since he left for college with the exception of the one time she was called by the police to pick him up. She got her brother and went and got b/f and his truck. They drove far enough from the party and gave b/f back his truck and mom and uncle went on their merry way. So I seriously doubt talking with them would help any. His mother tends to take anything I say to her and twist it around and repeat it to her son. I often think given his mom, it's a thousand wonders he has such a good heart. DH and I do plan to have a sit down with DD and b/f before they leave in the fall. Although, it won't do any good on his part but DD will listen and she will give it some thought. I do care about her b/f and certainly don't want anything to happen to him but I also learned with the last b/f that I am can't "mother" them all.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 11:33am

Isn't this the SECOND time he called - lost and drunk - in the middle of the night? (Or was that another poster .... sorry if I'm confused)

I haven't had a chance to read the other posts - I just "flew" in to post an update on my exchange student's bopped head - but I just had to leave my 2 cents.

You aren't using your youth group for your own agenda at all ... you are doing them a service as a caring mom.

Let us know how things turn out. In the meantime, I'm saying some major prayers for your dd!
jt

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Wed, 04-12-2006 - 3:45am

While you may be using "the entire group to accomplish my own personal agenda" you will also be doing them a favor because it is a very important message for them to hear. Hopefully your dd will listen to it with an open mind and heart and not dismiss it because she thinks it is intended to imply something about her bf...on some level she must see his drinking as dangerous and destructive and beyond acceptable limits even for college students but maybe she doesn't know what *she* can do about it.

I have heard about a program called Every 15 Minutes that address the topic you are planning to cover but I have never seen it performed. I believe it gets much more elaborate than what you are hoping to do (and takes a lot of time and planning) but here is the link for you to look at, maybe you can get some ideas for your program.

http://www.every15minutes.com/enter.html

Good luck with your presentation, I think it is a great idea to offer it. Often teens won't really listen to their parents but they seem to respect you and listen to you, and this is a timely message for them to get before they head to college and all of the opportunities for drinking.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Wed, 04-12-2006 - 10:51am

Someone asked if b/f hasn't done this before. To my knowledge it has happened twice. The first time was on the college campus so he was somewhat safe and he did find his way back to the dorm.

The Every 15 Minutes program looks very good but it would be very intense and would require alot of work. Since I am working with both 6th grade - 12th grade, I think it might be too intense for the younger ones. It is very interesting and I think it would be excellent for a school PTA to do in the early spring before prom and graduation hit.

Thanks for all your comments and suggestions. I am concerned that DD will feel like I'm picking on her. However, I know that this behavior of his has upset her immensely and I'm not sure what if anything she's said to him about it. I want all of them to realize that they make a choice and this choice can have a very huge impact on them and their friends and families. I guess I'm grasping at straws here - I know kids don't think about the things that could happen to them but I do know that most of these kids love their moms and little sisters and maybe it they won't do it for themselves then they will do it for their families. Like I said grasping at straws.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Thu, 04-13-2006 - 10:48am

I presented the idea to the only 2 senior high members that were able to come last night. One was very excited about it. DD was very quiet. The boy immediately asked to be the roommate and he convinced DD to be the g/f. I was a little nervous about her response when he asked her. He doesn't know about her b/f so he truly thought she would be good in that role. Before I asked them which roles they wanted, I explained that being a parent or sibling would probably require feelings of grief, loss, disappointment, and possibly anger. From the roommate and the girlfriend, I would expect to see some guilt or blame along with the other feelings b/c most parents and siblings really don't know what happens when our kids leave home. Their roommates, friends, and g/f's are the ones that know about these things and are the ones "might" could make a difference (or at least think they could). The guy thought that DD could handle that part real well since she and b/f have been together so long - that she could probably understand the feelings of responsibility that one has for the other. After the lesson time was over, I ran into one of the senior high's that doesn't come to youth group but is very involved with the choir. I just asked her to consider participating in this b/c she is very theatrical and a talented writer. I just wanted her to think about it. She immediately agreed to it. So now I have a little sister. I just need to find a couple of mock-parents. I have the perfect person in mind for the mom but she's real busy so keep your fingers crossed. I'm getting excited and nervous about this.

Thanks again for all your input on this. I really appreciate it.

Avatar for momtb4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 04-17-2006 - 5:04am

I think I would skip having mock parents. I think that would be lost on teens. Just go with more siblings instead. Some one who isn't a parent can't begin to fathom that role, especially when it involves loss. But anyone who has siblings can reasonably understand that role, and can put themselves in the shoes of the sister who lost a drunk brother in a senseless drowning. I think you are doing a fantastic thing. Go ahead, use this for your own personal agenda, because your agenda is the same as every other parent of teens, whether they admit it or not.

I think the mother of the b/f is totally in denial. She gave her drunk son his car back, that speaks volumes about where she is in all this. I truly feel sorry for her. She probably feels totally lost in it all, helpless. And the fathers response isn't a lot better, so they stand on opposite sides of the same street, wanting to make the same things happen and neither of them know how. It's really sad.

And, BRAVO for your dd. She didn't jump and run when he called. My kid would have been in the car and on the way to find this lost friend in a heartbeat. Your DD showed a great deal of restraint not running after him, rescuing him from himself. She took appropriate action, but didn't put herself in harms way in the process. Good for her, and you too, You are doing a great job!

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