A Bit of Advice, Please

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2005
A Bit of Advice, Please
12
Wed, 07-28-2010 - 8:58am

Hi. My wonderful, successful, on-the-right-track

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 07-28-2010 - 9:55am

Many gentle hugs to you. I went through the same thing with my oldest although he was a 17yo senior at the time and the gf was a 15/16yo sophomore. She had little/no supervision at home, was pretty much 'raising herself'. They dated for about 5-6 months; she was the one the ds ultimately lost his virginity to (in a car on her 16th birthday a couple months before he graduated). I hated the whole relationship because I knew from the beginning that it was just a physical one - they broke up within a month or so after 'the deed'. I made the mistake, though, of letting him know how much I disapproved of her. (I did my share of ranting here on the board during that time 5 1/2 years ago). I often wonder if it would have run it's course quicker if I would have tried to 'kill her with kindness'.

I don't really have much advice - it sounds like you are doing all the right things and I'd continue to do them. Your ds is young and you do still have some level of control. Keep encouraging the public/group activities, limit the amount of time as much as possible. That's a red flag right there when they want to spend all their time 'watching movies'. Most kids in relationships that are really going to go anywhere enjoy going out and doing things, hanging with friends, etc. Hopefully once school starts she'll move on to someone that has more freedoms like she does.

I do have to say that this girl (that I used to call the gf from he** here on this board) has grown into a decent young woman. She's done the best she can with parents that were barely in the picture. She was in the Air Force reserves for a couple years and is back in the area going to school. Jason still is in casual touch with her via Facebook. And to her credit - she was one of the only of his friends that stuck by him when he was struggling so with his eating disorder.



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Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Wed, 07-28-2010 - 10:04am

<> and people in hell want icewater. Too bad, so sad. That NEVER flew in my house. My dds did NOT have "boyfriends" till they were over 16, and even then, they were NOT allowed at the bf's house unless we knew the parents WELL, and knew how they would be supervised. And never during the day while we were at work, and never for more than a half-dozen hours per WEEK! Same thing with dates. Until they were in college, their "dates" were with their group of friends, and the friends were as nerdy as our kids, and their parents were just as mean as us, or meaner. We never gave them PRIVACY--I can't see why on earth YOU would, unless you hanker to be a grandparent.

We also kept our kids VERY busy. Idle hands, and all that. BESIDES schoolwork, they had chores around the house, volunteer work, paying jobs(beginning when they were 13!) and extra-curriculars that demanded a lot of their free time. Most of their friends were in those activities also, so everyone was on the same page.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2005
Wed, 07-28-2010 - 11:01am

When I say I give them "privacy," I mean they can be by themselves downstairs in the TV room with the top-of-stairs door open ... where I can easily glance down (and do constantly) without them knowing.


You've helped me strengthen my reserve, though. He compares himself to other boys (ie., friends in her crowd), who are allowed the freedom he wants, whereas I compare his time with her to what I believe is right/not right.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2007
Wed, 07-28-2010 - 11:52am

Continue to do what you are doing. Most likely it will run its course. My daughter dated a guy that as time went on it became apparent that he was verbally abusive. Her good friends tried to tell her, we tried to tell her, her friends' parents tried to tell her. One day, she saw the light and she learned a lesson from it. When I tell her I'm concerned, when her friends and all these people who love her tell her they're concerned maybe there is a nugget of truth in there.

Her current boyfriend is very sweet and not at all manipulative. But something DH said is coming true. He is not very ambitious and he said that maybe that would become a problem. I'm starting to see that she is losing patience with his lack of drive. He is a very nice kid and what happens in their relationship will be determined by what he chooses to do with his life.

I think your son will outgrow this girl too. When school starts try to keep him in activities that expose him to more people and he will probably outgrow her quickly.

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Wed, 07-28-2010 - 12:43pm

<> That's the ticket. Setting limits is what parenting is all about. It's what YOU think is right, not what your CHILD thinks is right. He'll get over it. In the mean time, get together a list of chores, a list of family and friends who could use a hand, and the help-wanted list (15yo's CAN work), and tell him the money tree has burned down. No phone, no "date" money, and no transportation unless he earns it himself. And I wonder how the dolly will like going out via BUS.

BTW, NOTHING says you have to like your son's gf. We certainly did not like all our kids boyfriends--and they knew it. That never made them run away, or hate us. In fact, we've told our ADULT kids when we disliked their bf's--and why. Of course, at that point, what they do is up to them, but they know they will get our opinion.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 07-28-2010 - 3:45pm

The key thing here is not to take this all personally--it will blow over. I think you should act more like your DH, but keep up the rules. It never went over w/ me when the kids would say that their friends' parents let them do something that I didn't like--my response would be that I really didn't care what their friends could do because I wasn't the friend's parent.

I had kind of a similar situation. My DS, who will be 15 on 9/1, has liked this girl in his class for probably 2 years. They keep "going out" and breaking up--it was about 8 times and I just got sick of it. I put the quotes around going out because when they were in 6th or 7th grade, they weren't really going anywhere. It just meant they liked each other. Or they could hang out in a group. Sometimes I did let him go to her house because I know there were plenty of people around to supervise--besides her parents, her grandparents also live there and she has an annoying little brother. And her parents are watchful. He would accuse me of "hating" her. I said that I didn't hate her, I was just tired of all the drama and I didn't think she was that nice to him--for ex, this last time, she was kind of needy and clingy, she didn't like the fact that he has female friends (who are her friends too), etc. But in person, I was nice to her, she could come over for dinner. I didn't totally stop them from being together, but I did say no to things I thought were stupid. Like one day on spring vacation, they had this bright idea that she was going to ride her bike over (it's pretty far) so they could get up around 6:00 to watch the sunrise at the beach. I said no, it was too early and I wasn't going to be awake--not to mention that wouldn't her parents think it was dangerous for her to be riding her bike alone that early when it was still dark? So he was mad for about 1/2 hr and then he got over it. I still let her come over, but later when I was up. I would never allow coed sleepovers. DS tried that when he was younger--his female friend was having a BD party and all the girls were sleeping over & he wanted to also. The GF was going to be there so I said no--yeah, I can see some rendezvous going on after everyone is asleep. He's saying "but I can sleep in the brother's room and the girls will be in another room." Yeah, still no. Just easier to make that one a blanket rule. I really can't see any reason for having these coed sleepovers--maybe after the prom or graduation but not on a regular basis. And I also agree on having them do things together where they can't have the opportunity to make out too much--if he really wants to see her, he'll go along. I think the primary reason my DS liked this girl was that she was very cute & willing to make out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Thu, 07-29-2010 - 7:47am
I think you've gotten some good advice from others, but I'll add my 2 cents too. If you make your dislike of her too apparent, it could drive them closer together and keep the relationship going much longer than it would have otherwise - btdt with one of my DSs, a few times over. Rather than making any limits about how much you dislike her, keep it about what you believe is right for him. He's only 15, he doesn't get to make the rules yet. I think your DH has the right idea - let the relationship run it's course, which it most likely will do if mom's disapproval isn't something they could bond over. But don't loosen up your rules just because he wants his rules to be closer to hers. Hopefully once school starts again he will be able to move on to someone who gets more supervision.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-1999
Thu, 07-29-2010 - 6:15pm

Well, the bf I wanted gone is still with us, more than a year later, and I still don't see a break-up looming.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Thu, 07-29-2010 - 10:59pm

<>

Ugh! I hate that glued together at the hip stuff! Dealing with it now - with my DS 26 and his g/f 23. It's the way he's always conducted his relationships, and probably always will. I still don't like it, but I've decided to quit stressing about it in order to save my sanity. In this case anyway, she's incredibly immature for 23 in a lot of ways (you should read the crap she posts on Facebook for all the world to see, when it would be much more appropriate to communicate that thought in a private message), and he's no pillar of maturity at 26 either. Little has changed in how he conducts relationships since he was a teen, but since he's been an adult I've tried to keep a lot of what I think to myself. Overall, makes for a more peaceful household while he trys to figure out the rest of his life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-1999
Fri, 07-30-2010 - 10:41am

I just meant Mr. Superglue because he stuck around, no matter what roadblock we tried to throw up.

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