A Bit of a Dilemma

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Registered: 12-22-2003
A Bit of a Dilemma
6
Fri, 02-10-2006 - 11:37am

I am in a pickle!

The last few Friday nights, DD has met with some kids (boys and girls) from her school to go ice skating. A rink nearer to her school than home has a Friday night 'Teen Skate' that seems to be fun and pretty popular.

Well, this week DD invited her friend E, who goes to a different school to join her for ice skating. I am driving and will pick up and deliver E tonight. I have known E for a couple years, have met her parents and know that E's mom is quite a concerned parent. From what I hear from DD, E's parents are now a bit strict and E had to do quite a bit of finagling to get to go ice skating with DD. From what I gather, E's mom is still not keen on the whole idea.

E has a guy friend, C. They are apparently quite close but not boyfriend/girlfriend because E is not allowed to have boyfriends or date. Like DD, E is 14. I don't know C at all.

Last night, I learned that E has invited C to meet them at the ice skating rink. Sounds a bit like sneaking around to me. I flat out asked DD if E was using her and this opportunity to sneak out to see C without her parents' knowledge. DD indicated that it seemed to be the case. BUT ... he may or may not be there. It is not definite that C is going.

I am glad that DD answered truthfully, but I am concerned that she is an accomplice to E's sneaky scheme. DD said "I won't let them do anything stupid, mom." Does she really think she's going to have any control over them and what they do? I am concerned because now I know something I wasn't supposed to know and now I also feel like an accomplice. Another concern is that E's mom obviously doesn't trust her and what is the reason for that? Has E been untrustworthy in the past?

I don't know that it is my place to call E's mom and tell her as C may not even be there. I did tell DD, though, that IF E's mom called me about tonight, I will answer her questions truthfully, and if she asks me if C will be there, I will have to tell her that he might be, that I know he has been invited.

I caught DD is a teeny fib a couple months ago. It was a dumb thing -- did you use your waterpik tonight? DD answered that she had, but I knew for a fact that she had not, because I had been upstairs for the past hour and did not hear the thing going. Kinda hard to miss the noise.

The next morning I told her that I knew she lied, that it was an inconsequential thing but that if I couldn't trust her to tell the truth about the little things, I'd be less inclined to believe her about the things that mattered more when's she's older. I think she got the point, and I would like her to continue to feel that she CAN be honest with me about the big things, without me freaking out or blowing things out of proportion. (Okay, I admit it, I am a big neurotic, over-reacting weenie. I feel for my kids sometimes -- they are great human beings -- how did they get stuck with me?)

Any thoughts on this? Mine are quite a-jumble this morning.

Jules




Edited 2/10/2006 11:40 am ET by julesnalpine
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Registered: 10-21-2005
Fri, 02-10-2006 - 12:51pm

Sorry Julie, the role of "weenie" has already been cast - to daddioe's dd's bf.

Anyway, I have what might be a simple solution. DD has a friend, L, who is a lot like C. She has VERY VERY strict parents and they live across the street from us. Mom and I are pretty good friends - as different as night and day, but sometimes it works out. Dd and L were going to the county fair and had plans to meet up with a guy friend of dd's who was there showing his animals. I was going to drop them off and head off to a meeting and dh was going to pick them up. I told dd - "make sure Ls parents know we aren't staying and that you're meeting N." She knew there was a very strong probablity I would tell L's mom. L fessed up and mom let her go (but kept it from dad ... not good, imho).

It's a little different in your case because it's after the fact, but you could say "not everyone is as honest as you (reinforcing the praise for her being honest) but it's important to me that they know".

If you tell the mom, she might freak and make it a bigger deal than it needs to be.
I think it is SO sweet of your dd to be protective of her friend in thinking SHE can prevent them from doing something stupid. In reality, they probably wouldn't have the opportunity, but still.

Hope this helps.... Just stress to your dd that - because she keeps the lines of communiation open with you - she is allowed to do things like go skating with a group. If C chooses not to go rather than fess up, your dd will learn something from that. C will be sitting at home instead of being honest and your honest dd will be off skating.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Fri, 02-10-2006 - 12:57pm

I can tell you how I would handle this. If mom asked, I would answer honestly. They are going skating in a public place not parking on lovers' lane so I wouldn't get to upset. However, I would encourage DD to tell her friend that you know and you might mention it to her mom so she (the friend) should tell her mom. It would come much better coming from the friend and she could build her trust with her mom this way. If she tells her mom and mom doesn't let go, then you might call and explain to her the layout of the skating rink - are there places that they can makeout, can they leave and then come back in, etc?

Good Luck - this is a tough position to be in. I feel for you!

Avatar for momtb4
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Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 02-10-2006 - 2:06pm
This is what I'd do. First, if E's mom calls and asked me questions, she's gonna get honest answers, it's not my job to cover for my kids or their friends lies. Second, if the mom doesn't ask, we are in a "don't ask, don't tell" situation. I'm not a tattle tale. There are only 2 reasons to tell, to either get someone into to trouble or to get them out of it. This would get them in trouble, not my line of work. But, when I picked E up, I'd stop some place and talk to her. Tell her you know about C being invited and that you don't appreciate her using your dd and you to have time out with C. Suggest she should share this information with her mother. It's easier to ask for forgiveness than permission, but I wouldn't point this out to a teen. I wouldn't tell her that I'm not gonna tell her mom, and I'd suggest that I was gonna, so the girl could sweat out the consequences of her actions. Just the fact that you know and could tell her mom should have her fessing up. She can't gain trust by sneeking around.
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Registered: 11-13-2004
Fri, 02-10-2006 - 2:09pm


(insert tongue in cheek here..)
hmmm..I think it would be very difficult to get pregnant on ice. If this rink is outdoors, I’ll bet there is a warming house with people milling in and out. I’m also a big fan of multiple layers of winter clothing.
If this is an indoor rink, I’ll bet there are dark corners where the lecherous beast may even try to steal a kiss… (That is.. assuming he even shows up.)
(end)
LOL...And I thought *I* was bad…. :-)

<<>>

I can’t help but think that if E’s mom is so concerned about boys, that a 14 yr old going ice skating with a same sex friend is a huge issue, that kind of smothering is going to soon backfire into some major lying and sneakiness.

Kudos to your DD for being up front with you. I also agree that it’s an opportunity to let your DD know that honesty begets privileges.

<<….that it was an inconsequential thing but that if I couldn't trust her to tell the truth about the little things, I'd be less inclined to believe her about the things that mattered>>
Well..That’s the theory anyway..
But I think kids know the difference between little inconsequential lies that do no harm, and a major deceitful whopper. She was probably tired and just wanted to go to bed and didn't want a hassle. Unless you have a chronic liar on your hands (I know you don’t) I wouldn’t make the correlation between the little and the big things as a trust issue.

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Registered: 10-16-1999
Fri, 02-10-2006 - 6:01pm

I'm with you daddioe.... For heaven's sake, this is a PUBLIC ice rink, not a private party.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Sat, 02-11-2006 - 11:57am

Well ... it is the morning after. I took DD and E ice skating and C was there with them when I picked them up.

No, I didn't call E's mom and tell her, and I told DD I would not. I did tell DD however, that I didn't like feeling like E was using her and I as accomplices to see C. I also mentioned that sneaking around is not a good way for E to earn her mom's trust, and that if E's mom learned that we BOTH new about this beforehand, not only would she trust E even less, that she wouldn't trust E to spend time with her (DD).

This also opened up the opportunity for me to tell DD that at 14, DH and both agreed that she was too young for one-on-one dating but that if she met someone she liked and would like to spend more time with, sneaking around was not the way to see that person, he would be welcome to spend time with her, with us present.

DD said that she felt she and I had a much better relationship than most of her friends do with their mothers, that she DID feel she could come to me and tell me things and that's why she did. Whewww.

Without knowing the circumstances, I also feel that E's mom is too rigid. DD says E doesn't know why mom is so strict; that her mom won't budge on this, and refused even to meet this C. It's not my place to question her parenting philosophy, but I think it's only right that I respect it. If the girls were 10 and decided to have a sleepover and E's mom said "no R rated movies", I sure wouldn't go out and rent one, let them watch it and say "just don't tell your mom". Not quite the same, I know, but knowing ahead of time what was up unsettled me.

E is the 4th of five siblings. Could be that the first three wore mom out and she's shortening the leash with the last two. Could be that she wants to go to bed at 7:30 and can't sleep til E is home safe. Who knows?

All I know is that there is already talk of an ice-skating night again next Friday. Maybe E's mom can drive next time and it won't be my worry.

Thank you all for your advice; it DID help.

Julie