A bit of an over-reaction?
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A bit of an over-reaction?
| Sat, 02-24-2007 - 6:08pm |
OMG - I posted last night to my playgroup - women I've known for NINE years, since I was pregnant with my youngest, about some problems I'm having with my teen. In short, my 14 year old who is an A student, a hard worker, never in trouble, into art and band...has been lippy and mouthy. What was upsetting me even more is that I've seen some evidence she isn't as compassionate as she used to be...in particular, she won't stand up to her peers when they make fun of someone, and although she has never bullied anyone or said anything mean to them, she sometimes finds comments made by others funny. So yes - I *am* upset by these things, since they are fairly new behaviours and clearly not acceptable. But I'm shocked by the three responses I got..."put her on a behaviour contract", "homeschool her" and "move her to a Catholic school." ?? Oy! I'm going to guess this is because these ladies all have children age 8 and under...just had to vent HERE where at least I know that my daughter's problems aren't going to make her look like the devil incarnate amidst everything else that goes with being a teenager! Can you imagine if I'd asked a question about drugs or sex ? ;-)

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Enjoy it in a few years when their kids become teens and aren't so perfect, and they say something to you about gosh, did we overreact when you said....
Sue
You know how those people who know EVERYTHING about raising kids usually don't have any of their own? Well, you just met their parenting counterparts - the ones who "know" what to do with teens and how horrible you are parenting your teens, but have none of their own.
I'm dealing with that with my sisters - my oldest niece is 12. My sisters are sure I'm allowing my kids to run wild, to ruin their lives, etc., etc., etc. They're appalled at all the freedom J & Z have (they're 19 and 22 for heaven's sake!!) and they're sure N is a spoiled brat coz she has so many high-end clothes. Nobody bothers to realize that she works for those clothes, and is an awesome sale and second-hand store shopper. If she were relying on me for those clothes, she wouldn't have them.
You know what I find interesting? Now that my sisters have kids between 2-12 y/o, it's amazing how many of the things that my kids did that my sisters said their kids (when they had them) would NEVER do... those kids are doing in spades!! LOL What goes around comes around I guess!
rose
My favorite is when someone says that wont happen to their family because
'we hold high expectations for our children'
Like I've been working on honing my low expectations here...how they can type that and not realize its an insult(or maybe they do?)
OMG.. This cracks me up.
We've probably ALL experienced this in some form or another. Usually the childless or people with very young children.
I've heard, "**I** would NEVER allow that!" referring to some dumb teen antic.
Like I actually allowed it???
The underlying message of these well meaning frumps, is that enough love, time and attention will prevent any and all teenage dumb decisions, acting out, and angst.
Ohhhhhhh....guess again my friend... :-) ROFL.
I think it's best if you bounce issues about your teen with other parents of teens; like minded parents, if you will.
I remember when I was a single and my older siblings had kids and I thought to myself,,,,"jeez, I would never let my kids behave like that!"......LOL
It's all a matter of perspective.
Ooohhh ... I know of what you speak. My BIL was a bachelor well into his 30's and of course, he knew so much more about dealing with toddlers than I, when DD and DS were toddlers.
Now ... he is married and has a 5yo DS. That 5yo is referred to as the 'demon child' in our home.
What comes around, goes around. I don't think he will ever realize that my babies had their worst temper tantrums in his presence because they were terrified of him!
Edited 2/24/2007 7:54 pm ET by hydrangea_blue
Responses on two levels...
First of all, I remember my DS's friend (16 at the time - DS was 13) being incredibly mouthy to her parents, and being shocked at the behavior. Had I only known what was in store for me LOL!
Your DD's behavior sounds pretty typical for teenagers...as for the lack of compassion, I would definitely not allow demonstration of that in my presence, but it's probably more peer pressure and the desire to be accepted than anything else. Even some adults are hesitant to speak out in defense of negative behavior because they don't want to speak out against "the crowd."
Make sure she knows the mouthy and lippy behavior is not going to be tolerated, and institute consequences for it, but also realize that a certain amount of "attitude" IS normal at this age...and don't be shocked that she's not a "Stepford Child."
As for your playgroup friends, welcome to the world of "I have NOT BTDT but am an expert in it." If I had five cents for every friend who has NO children that has explained exactly how they would raise my DS if he were their child (helloo? He's not - so back off), I'd be rich. What's funny is they end this with "but you're not at fault - don't blame yourself." Wait a minute - if YOU think you could do (or would have done) such a better job than I am doing/have done, then in fact, you DO think it's my fault, don't you? Make up your mind.
Let them ramble - they will have teenagers - they will have teenager problems - and you will have sweet revenge.
Part 2 - as for their advice, again, it's just a sign of not knowing. Do they really think there are no bullies in Catholic school? That teenagers are not snotty to their parents in Catholic school? That teenagers who are homeschooled (and therefore in their parents' presence 24/7) are never snotty to their parents? These are the same type of people that take a child to a psychiatrist because he bites someone at 2 1/2 years old. Yes, it's unacceptable - but it's certainly not the type of behavior, when exhibited by a 2 1/2 year old, that signifies mental illness for crying out loud.
I love how other people have all the answers.
While all three of the suggestions offered by the playgroup parents would likely help, removing your DD from her school would be a pretty drastic change for a rather minor change in her behavior.
The behavior contract might not be a bad idea, if only to remind her of how she should act/react in given situations, even though she probably knows what is right. (In 2005 I had my son write, 100X, "I will think of the consequences before I act and convince my friends to do the right thing", after he rcvd after-school detention for riding in a car in which two boys had hid in the trunk to go off campus for lunch. In 2006, he was suspended for drinking before a football game. Making them think about it doesn't always work.)
We know that who our kids hang out with influences their behavior, but isolating them from the "bad" kids won't help them when they are around those types when they are 18, or 20 or 50. At this age, learning to resist the influence of others and to be an independent thinker is probably more important for our teens than being totally compassionate toward everyone 100% of the time.
I always tell personal stories, clip lots of articles from the newpaper, or email them from the inet for my DSs to remind them of how the downtrodden suffer, the lives ruined by drugs/alc, etc. And I sometimes make DS17 read them to me to be sure they don't ignore them.
We do not go to church, and I sometimes regret that cuz the kids I know who are involved in church youth groups do seem to be more likely to stay out of trouble. Not always, though...I know the child of a pastor who's repeatedly involved in incidents that get him suspended from school. Very nice, large family; just one wild kid.
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http://www.pnhp.org/news/2009/october/meet_the_new_health_.php
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM
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