A bit of an over-reaction?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
A bit of an over-reaction?
19
Sat, 02-24-2007 - 6:08pm
OMG - I posted last night to my playgroup - women I've known for NINE years, since I was pregnant with my youngest, about some problems I'm having with my teen. In short, my 14 year old who is an A student, a hard worker, never in trouble, into art and band...has been lippy and mouthy. What was upsetting me even more is that I've seen some evidence she isn't as compassionate as she used to be...in particular, she won't stand up to her peers when they make fun of someone, and although she has never bullied anyone or said anything mean to them, she sometimes finds comments made by others funny. So yes - I *am* upset by these things, since they are fairly new behaviours and clearly not acceptable. But I'm shocked by the three responses I got..."put her on a behaviour contract", "homeschool her" and "move her to a Catholic school." ?? Oy! I'm going to guess this is because these ladies all have children age 8 and under...just had to vent HERE where at least I know that my daughter's problems aren't going to make her look like the devil incarnate amidst everything else that goes with being a teenager! Can you imagine if I'd asked a question about drugs or sex ? ;-)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Sun, 02-25-2007 - 4:41pm

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You're right - that doesn't always help. We go to church every week, my sons are involved in the youth group - my older son still does stupid things (not destructive or dangerous, just stupid) to get himself suspended.

And our church is in our town, which is very small, so many of his schoolmates are in youth group with him - either they are the type to get in trouble, or they're not.

Our first pastor when we joined had three children - two girls and a boy. The younger girl got suspended repeatedly for starting fires in the school, causing ruckus, smoking, etc. At 24, she is now a very responsible young woman (although a bit "hippy"ish - but so are her parents) who just got her degree. Their older daughter was the "perfect" young lady - and unfortunately took her own life almost 10 years ago.

Sometimes it's a matter of rebellion with church families - they're sick of being known as the "good kids" (preacher's kids, families that go to church regularly, etc.) so they strike out in an attempt to prove they're "normal."

As I said, though, the act of losing compassion at 14 may not really be how the OP's DD feels, but rather an attempt to "belong" - and a fear that speaking out will make the other kids shun her. This is pretty common in early teen years. As a person who was harrassed regularly in school, I have gotten emails from people I went to school with APOLOGIZING for not standing up for me (in fact, standing up for themselves in their disapproval) because they didn't want to stand out from the crowd. Belonging is so important at this age.

It's important for our kids to know what we consider inappropriate behavior - because in an attempt to "belong," sometimes the behavior goes beyond not defending someone from bullying to not defending them from actual physical harm - or not speaking out against other destructive behavior. Knowing how we feel, and if the OP feels her DD has always HAD compassion, will probably stop that before it gets too far.

In the interim, I would definitely (and have done this with my own kids) told them that if I WITNESS such behavior, they're in trouble. Having been a scout leader, class mother, etc., I had plenty of opportunities when they were young to publicly speak out in front of groups of kids detailing how I feel about bullying and such - so they're pretty good about it. Plus one of their good friends is a Miss America candidate whose platform is anti-bullying - so they'd have to answer to her :).

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 02-25-2007 - 8:18pm
thank you for all your replies....while I'm not prepared to pull her from school or put her in a Catholic school, LOL - I DO want to nip this behaviour in the bud, and I appreciate all suggestions. It's such a shock to me because she used to be SOOOO very loving and compassionate (yikes - I hope our foster child didn't finish her on that! LOL). Hoping it is just a phase ...and seeing a bit of it in my younger child as well. There are two boys at school who are really mean to her - quite the bullies - and I know both have behaviour and learning issues so I've tried to teach her to respond with kindness to them even when they are being mean to her...but that's a tough lesson for an 8 year old!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 10:58am

<<...while I'm not prepared to pull her from school or put her in a Catholic school, LOL>>

Just had to respond to that particular comment ...

My DD attend a Catholic HS and those kids aren't any different than the kids in public schools. They're just more subtle, sneakier and better at not getting caught!

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 11:13am

This is really just the normal behavior of a young teenager who is starting to rebel. Not that you have to allow mouthy behavior, but sometimes you just have to ignore it or you would be arguing all the time. It's a combination of hormones, growing up and rapid mood swings. My DD will be 18 soon and you can't imagine all the times that she has been moody one minute which gets me really upset, then w/in an hour, she is sweet. Of course, she has a reputation in the family for not being that nice, so we were amazed that last year she joined the Best Buddies club at school, where the kids are partnered w/ a special needs kid to do activities. Of course, she got this girl who wanted to call her just about every day, which she would complain about all the time to the family, but she did stick it out w/ her the whole year, which I was surprised she actualy did.

Also, she was talking about getting a new job as a waitress to her father on the phone. He must have been skeptical, cause I heard her say "well, I can be nice if there are tips involved." Meanwhile, she is going to college to study nursing, which is another thing that surprises us all because we just can't see her taking care of people.

But you do see bright spots and more maturity as they get older. Now she has a car and the other day she said that she gave a ride to work to her 16 yo DSS, who she doesn't like at all. The 2 of them can go a week w/o speaking to one another unless they have to say "pass the soda" at the dinner table. DSS works at the elem school taking care of the kids after school. It's not that far to walk, about 1/2 mile, since my Ds used to walk home from school every day, but that day was snowing. My DD was driving past, so she felt bad and offered her a ride.

I think that people who expect a child to be perfect all the time are just living in an unrealistic world. Even adults aren't 100% compassionate all the time. How many people have been in a situation where someone at work or at a party makes an unkind remark and will be brave enough to comment on it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 7:09pm
oh exactly, and here's what really made me roll my eyes. Our new school in town actually is a shared campus - the public school in one wing and the Catholic in the other. There is NO difference between those kids! Besides, if they misbehave in one school they just end up being expelled and sent to the other one, anyway - so there is always some back and forth as we try to pass the buck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 7:10pm
Good for her sticking out the "buddies" thing for the whole year! I think that is a HUGE committment!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 7:35pm

>

This made me HAVE to add my 2 cents. When I was in college I worked with a half dozen young men who were attending a Lutheran college, fully intending to go to the seminary to study for the ministry within a year, dated 2 of them (not at the same time though). I was going to a public state college at the time. My parents were sooo happy I was dating these guys who were studying for the ministry - I didn't have the heart to tell them that the only difference between those guys and the ones at the public college was that the ministry students made sure they went home from the bars early enough that they could make it to 11 a.m. services not too hung over! In all other ways, they were pretty normal 21 & 22 y/o guys.
Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 11:13pm

I hear ya! Until you are in a situation yourself you should never judge how to react nor how you would react yourself. I've learned this the hard way AND I've seen others in my friends and family deal with similar things.

I have an aunt who had her children late in life. While her kids were still little many of her nephews and nieces were already teens or young adults. Now a few got into a few issues here and there and my aunt never lost a beat lecturing her brothers and sisters-in-law about how they were too easy on their kids and how terrible their kids were yada yada yada -- you know the score. She just loved to trade on gossip being the first person to know about every little transgression and spread it around.

Well now her young daughter married a young man whom she had dated for 7 years, since they were teens, and after less than a year of marriage, they split up. And her son who is quite a nice young man and intelligent has just never been able to keep a girlfriend. Suddenly my aunt's tune has changed quite a bit. It sure is different for her being on that other side of the issue where her kids lives are not entirely under her control.

I hate to say it but, given some of the crap she gave my sister and I for our behaviour and choices over the years, we're kind of smiling inside with a smug "Never a judge a person until you walk a mile in their shoes...."

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 02-27-2007 - 10:09am
This sounds like my ex MIL, a devout Catholic who was very much against divorce. I even remember her saying that she was glad that one of her nephews got married for the 2nd time out of state since she just "couldn't" bring herself to go to a 2nd wedding. Then of course, her son & I got divorced, another DD & her DH got divorced, another DD eloped to Las Vegas to marry a guy who had been divorced & had kids and he ended up committing suicide. This unfortunate DD then married another guy that noone has ever met (and he was black, another horror). We don't know what happened to him but who knows who this woman has taken up with and I think she ended up a drug user and now has HIV (not a funny situation at all. I hope my in-laws passed away before they discovered this). But I guess she stopped saying so much about her nieces & nephews getting divorced after her kids started doing it. She did manage to have 2 sons who are still married to their first wives. But obviously she raised them all the same and couldn't control how they turned out.

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