Book to help boy understand?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2007
Book to help boy understand?
5
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 8:24am

The question is at the end, if you want to skip ahead.
I had a phone message from the mother of a girl my son goes to school with suggesting my son had somehow stepped over the line with her daughter.
I've not yet connected with the mom, but my son admitted he (and two of his new friends) have been verbally abusive to the girl. He claims she started it by cussing at them and calling them names. And while he is adamant he doesn't swear at her, he admits he calls her derogatory names.

I've had him write an apology letter to her that will be delivered to her before school this morning. He said he would also talk to her at lunch. I told him he was grounded from his friends for now. I said I would not talk to the other boys parents, but that if I heard from this girls mom that the behavior continued, I would most certainly clue them all in and his social life would change dramatically. (I'm not happy with his choice of friends right now either, but that's a different post.)

We talked about the effects of his words and how people- especially girls - can react to things. We talked briefly about teen depression. We talked about NOT always following the crowd, esp when they do hurtful things. He said he would talk to his friends and ask them to stop. He said he would stop also.

THAT SAID -- I wanted to find a book written from the point of view of a teen kid who is verbally abused by others. My son says he doesn't understand why it doesn't just roll off her back, like it does off of his. I want my son to be able to understand how this sort of thing can damage more sensitve types. I thought a good book might help him see things from another perspective. It can't be subtle. He is a boy, after all.

Any suggestions?
Karen

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Registered: 02-14-2000
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 9:01am
I don't have any book suggestions but I think you handled the situation very well.
Pam
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Registered: 10-16-1999
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 9:44am
I don't know of any books either, but I think I can understand how your DS ended up in this situation. Boys socialize thru putdowns and insults - I don't know why, but with 3 DSs I just know that they do. They all pretty much let it roll off them... but girls generally take these things much more seriously. I've had to deal with this same kind of thing with my DSs when they were 13-15... and now DD and her b/f are kind of dealing with it. He sometimes gets carried away in his "joking" and it gets to be not funny for her. She's handling it well though (having 3 older brothers helps I think) and b/f is learning. Before anyone suggests that b/f is using this behavior as a way to control or manipulate my DD - I don't think that's the case, if it were he wouldn't be trying to control it the way he is. He's more than a little ADD though (for real) and sometimes what he says doesn't get filtered out between his brain and his mouth the way it should. As I said, he's working on it.
Rose
Avatar for kel7col4
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 10:48am

I completely understand what you were referring to with the bf making stupid comments. DD and her bf go through the same thing. It's like it's imbedded in the male brain sometimes to make crude remarks at inappropriate times. And oh boy he's definitely not attempting to manipulate her in any shape or form!! This poor boy is wrapped around her finger...if anything she's the manipulative one and I don't like it??

Anyway to the OP - one book that dd and I have read that could possibly tie in here is "Please Stop Laughing at Me" I think that's the name of it and sorry I don't know the author, but it was really a tug at the heart strings type of book talking of teasing and how it affects the target. It is a true story if I remember correctly.




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Registered: 01-07-2007
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 4:14pm

Well, I did some browsing and found two books that sounded interesting. One is: "More Than a Label: Why What You Wear or Who You're With Doesn't Define Who You Are" by a 17 year old girl. It includes bits of interviews she did with over 1000 other kids and covers most of what I'm after.

The other book is "The Courage To Be Yourself: True Stories By Teens About Cliques, Conflicts, And Overcoming Peer Pressure." It also includes real-life stories about kids who were teased or excluded.

Between the two books, I think I'll get what I want. Unfortunately neither are available anywhere and I'll have to order them.

In the meantime, I have the most amazing mix of emotions. My son has (for once) taken responsibility for his actions, apologized maturely to me and the girl, and been fully truthful about the situation, his consequences and future expectations.

I spoke with the mother today. She admitted my son is not the primary culprit (which was a relief to hear), but he does hang with the kids who are. She said this has been going on for some time and that her daughter is suffering emotionally to the point her grades are affected. She said she had spoken to the principal but nothing had changed, which is why she called. I told her how I had responded with DS and what was coming (the books, his promise to apologize to her daughter if his friends were again abusive and then tell them to shut up.) I also asked her to call if any of this continued. I told DS he could lose his friends if it does (I threaten to move to Amish-land... I think he partly believes me.)

It was great to discover 1/ her story pretty much matched DS's story (he *was* honest!) and 2/how very appreciative she was of how I've responded to the situation and how DS responsed. I thought once she was going to cry in relief! It's nice to feel you've actually made the right choices for once.

DS told me the principal approached him and one of the other boys at lunch today about the situation. DS said he told the principal the same story he had given me and fessed up. He said the principal, after telling them it better never happen again, thanked my son for his honesty. Told him she was proud of him. She also told the other boy she was disappointed in him. Apparently she had talked to him in the morning and that boy had lied to her. It's not often lately that I feel we're making progress, DS and I. But today I did. DS also said if felt really good when the principal thanked him. Said it made him feel very glad he had been honest. Wowsa! What a switch from the brooding boy just 4 days ago (this must be the upside of the hormone swing, you think?)

Anyway. I still want DS to learn more from this than not to pick on one girl. So we're still going to study those books. And I'm still expecting him to find some additional friends who have a bit less of the "rotten apple" parts.
But in general, I think we did good.

Thanks!

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Registered: 10-16-1999
Sat, 02-24-2007 - 8:42am

Glad to hear that you're having one of those "he's really going to get it!!!" parenting days. Isn't it great when that happens??

kel - I know what you mean about DD wrapping b/f around her little finger! We have some of that happening here too, and there are days.... T is a "bad boy" with self-esteem and security issues, a discipline problem at school, a C/D student - not the kind of guy that an honor-roll, cheerleader, preppy girl like N tends to date and I think sometimes he's just so amazed that she chose HIM that he'll bend over backwards to do whatever she wants. I've seen that from the other side too - DSs S and J were high school "bad boys" who dated (and S married) the preppy cheerleader, honor roll types. Made me absolutely NUTS to watch my DSs act like that, and it isn't much better to watch N & T. The "bad boy/good girl" scenario must be genetic or something - I married my "bad boy" too. DH is a HS dropout who was a serious discipline problem in school, I was the honor roll prep who graduated from college. I always thought those "good boys" were boring - probably made my parents crazy, but they never said much about it.
Rose