Bothered by actions of dd's friend ...
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| Tue, 06-05-2007 - 8:26am |
Hi everyone.
My dd and her best friend are great kids. They know what's wrong and what's right, but are both 15 and influenced by pier pressure - as most kids are.
They have a mutual "friend" who has just deteriorated in her behavior over the past two years. She's always been a very outgoing girl - very full of herself and we've (dh and me and dd's bestfriends parents) always felt that she's lacking something at home that makes her act out, be boastful, lie, etc. She's the kind of person who always has better, she's always done something bigger and better than the person telling the story - I hope that makes sense - and she's soooooo annoying most times. But because our dd's see something in her, we - as parents - want to give her a chance.
So, we've taken her on vacations with us, we've made special opportunities to have her at our house etc. thinking that our kids would be a good influence on her and that maybe she could find from us what she is missing from her own family.
Just this past couple of months I've been hearing a lot of bad things about this girl. She's earned a reputation for being easy with the boys and in fact there is a story out there about her giving oral sex to boys down behind the train station in our town. My dd and her best friend told me that this girl admitted to doing this and has no intention of stopping. But they feel sorry for her and think if they hang out with her, she'll change.
Just last night dd told me that this girl shoplifts and in fact that she was shoplifting when they all went to the mall last weekend.
The girls are supposed to spend the day together today (school is out in our area) but I told my dd that I did not want her to spend anymore time with this girl. I told her that I commended her and her bf for sticking up for this girl and trying to influence her to turn herself around, but that I was afraid that it would be guilt by association and reputation if they were with her when she was shoplifting.
They still like the girl and have fun with her and - bless them - they feel like they can help turn her around. So I told them to be honest with her and tell her that if she wanted to continue to hang around with them, than she needed to work on her "problems" - and to talk about them with an adult so that she can see what triggers her to act these ways. Her parents are overbearing and won't hear a negative thing about their kids -we've tried.
Any advice - I want my dd and her bf to stay away from this girl now - but I have to commend them for wanting to help her.
Thanks all,
Jem

Most definitely went through something similar over the last year. All through 8th grade, dd, S and M were best friends - the 3 of them did everything together. S's family is somewhat of a mess, she lives with her paternal grandparents, her dad's an abusive alcoholic and mom is kinda out in left field. S used to be really judgmental of anyone that drank or did drugs or had sex, etc Then last summer came. She made some really bad calls - that included all the things she was dead-set against. She called dd and M - both girls were there for her. The poor decision continued once school started. A lot of rumors went around about S but both M and DD stood by her. Right before school started, dd started dating J and right after school started M started dating N - so I know S felt really left out. DD did try to continue her friendship with S, but whenever dd was free, S wasn't and vice versa. They kinda drifted apart.
More and more rumors went around about S. Once weekend, M called dd to see if she had heard from S. S hadn't come home the night before - between the 2 of them they found her, but heard a lot of stories about the night before in the journey. It wasn't pretty. M and dd both pulled S aside and told her how worried they were about her. S promised to change, she learned her lesson. Grandparents STILL clueless to everything.
About a month or 2 later, dd came home from school. S had been taken from school in an ambulance and her bags were searched. Pot was found in her bags. The pot was of course "a friends" but she will still suspended from school. The ambulance trip she claims was because of a heart murmur she didn't know she had - I know exactly what it was, she had been taking Adderall for months (advertised on her myspace between her and her new friends) and she took too much and her heart was racing. Again she swore to DD and M - that she was quitting the bad stuff. This time she went on to actually blame them!! How they left her and she has nothing else. Yet in the same breath she was still with all of her bad influence friends.
More rumors have flown around and dd has washed her hands of the situation. She felt guilty about it and everything, but as a friend there is only so much you can do, if they don't want to help themselves.
I would just point out to your dd the dangers they are putting themselves in. If shoplifting is her thing, she could very easily drag the girls into it and not necessarily with their knowledge.
Have you tried talking to the girl about her recent choices? I sometimes feel guilty that I didn't say something to S - she was literally at my house non-stop last year. She would spend entire weekends and vacations, and even spent a month when her grandparents went on vacation. In hindsight I think I should have - dd told her I was always here for her and I was kinda hoping she would reach out to me. I didn't want to go to her to where she thought dd and I were "talking" about her.
If all the well-intentioned adults around this girl have not been able to remedy or help the situation then certainly two inexperienced young 15 year old girls won't be much help either. People only change if they WANT to change and not simply because the people around them have higher standards of behaviour. Your daughter NOT smoking, NOT having sexual relations with guys, NOT stealing will not motivate her friend to stop. If it were that easy so many problems in this world would be resolved.
I think you all did your best. And now the situation needs to play itself out to a resolution. But I fear that this young lady may not have hit rock bottom just yet. And if your daughter and her friend are around they may be dragged to the bottom with her. If she shoplifts while they are around they may be considered accomplices. If she has attention from boys the boys may try some unwelcome moves on your dd that she may find difficult to fend off. And they may be so intent on rescuing her that they will put themselves in danger as well following her to places none of them should be.
So my suggestion would be to advise your dd to slowly create distance. Don't go as far as to ban her from your home but don't go out of your way to invite her to places with you either. Just quietly leave her out of the family events for a while and let her be. Start to involve your dd and her other friend in activities that are more community and family oriented and keep them in a positive environment with positive people.
Eventually it will happen on its own. My dd had a friend that was spiraling out of control as well and when we just stopped calling her over, including her in trips and giving her rides everywhere etc etc she migrated to her other group of friends. I ask my dd about her occasionally and my dd barely sees her anymore and has no idea what she is up to. And given where this girl was headed that is okay with me. I feel bad for her but we can't rescue the world. This needs her family and her parents to attend to.
Have you noticed that all kids travel in packs of the like? If your daughter is running with thieves & trouble makers, how long will it take for poeple (teachers/community members)to dub her one also? It's not fair we judge people by the company they keep, but we do.
Good luck
I have to agree with everyone else - they need to cut her off, because she will not change until she is ready to change.
Hi everyone - and thank you for your advice and for sharing your personal experiences as they relate to my issue.
Last night I had a talk with dd and her bf and I told them pretty much what you all have stated. I told them that in the end it was their decision (and bf's parents agree with this), but that if I were them, I would take some time to think about what kind of people I want in my life.
DH and I have decided that this girl is welcome in our home when there is a group over and we are home, but we'll watch her carefully. What we notice when a group is over is that she sits by herself and dd or her bf end up leaving the group to make her feel welcome. This bugs me because it then takes the fun out of the gathering for them.
DD and her bf called me today at work and told me that they have decided to start distancing themselves from her. I did ask them to be honest with her and to tell her why they don't want to hang out with her much anymore, but chances are they will never tell her. They do understand that just by being with her, people will start to believe that they are the same way and neither of them want this. They've got a really good group of friends who just don't want to be around this girl and I told them it would be a shame to lose this group over this girl - they hadn't thought about that.
I've tried giving this girl advice in the past about her actions with guys and other issues, but she rolls her eyes and acts like I could not possibly know what she does. If her parents don't want to help her - I don't know what else I can do.
For now, my dd and her bf have decided to do what is best for them and hopefully, as one person posted, she'll start to get the message and drift toward a group that she fits into better.
Try as we might, we can't all save the world - just breaks my heart that someone won't let you in when you do try to help them out. My priority though is my dd and her bf who is like a dd - I want what's right for them.
I am finding out that by letting them make some of their own decisions - or at least letting them THINK they are making their own decisions - things end up turning out for the best rather than bad just because they want to rebel.
Thanks to everyone who responded - we'll see how the summer goes.
Jem
While it's commendable of your dd and her friend to want to 'help' this girl out, they need to know that its very codependent behavior to continue to do so if their friend is not interested in helping herself. If she continues to behave poorly despite your dd and her friend's influence, discussions, etc., then she obviously is not in the frame of mind to be helped and it's time for your dd and her friend to focus on spending their time with other, better grounded friends.
Please explain to your dd how it's not healthy for her to try harder than this girl is to clean up her act - it's always nice to lend a helping hand to someone who gratefully accepts it, but it's not healthy to want to 'take care of someone' or make someone's life better when that person is hell bent on ruining it!
My 19dd was friends with this very outgoing, social young girl in Jr High. She was very much lacking some attention at home and was very sweet so I allowed her to spend a lot of time at our home and treated her like my own. Her dad is very sweet, though not the most attentive father in the world and the mother had been cut out of her life 8 years ago. Anyway, shortly into their sophomore year, this girl began having sex with random much older guys and hanging out at the local college dorm parties and shoplifting from local Walmart and Kohls stores - it was very distressing for dd. This girl also was drinking and smoking pot - something dd was not into at all. Eventually dd had to detach from her. They still say hello on line and I often run into her dad, but that is it. Her dad recently confided in me that she had found her mother and was trying to make a go of living with her, but she dropped out of college and lost her car because of it. She's basically lost direction and that saddens me, but I'm grateful dd never got wrapped up in her life.