Boyfriend pushed his mother!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2012
Boyfriend pushed his mother!!!
8
Sun, 10-28-2012 - 3:03am

I already can't stand her boyfriend... now I find out that he pissed his mother off and she smacked him (or according to him, she punched him in the face), and he pushed her down (he pushed her hard enough to knock her down). I also found out a couple of weeks ago when my daughter was out with loverboy (wans't supposed to be with him, it was supposed to be a girls night only), they got into a fight and he screamed in her face... literally right in her face in front of everyone. This is abusive behavior as far as I'm concerned and I'm pretty sure if my daughter doesn't get out of the relationship now (they are both age 15), he will eventually strike her. He says he would never hurt her, but how I see it, if he can be abusive like that toward his own mother, and has already been verbally abusive with my dd, then what's next? I don't want to wait and see. And my daughter is already making excuses, just like a battered woman would.

Not sure who's read my previous posts here, or who may remember, my dd and this boy had sex for the first time a few months back, in my home. She's always been a good kid, but has since slacked in school, lost some of her good girlfriends since being with him, and our relationship is struggling big time since being with him (they have been together for a few months past a year). She lies to me, her grades in school have been terrible this school year so far, and now this crap. I'm at a loss once again.

Deb   :(

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2012
Sat, 11-03-2012 - 1:19am

I keep her home except for school and cheerleading. She does nothing when at home! She sits on the couch and watches TV or sleeps. I've taken away her phone, her laptop, and I don't allow her to use the house phone or my cell phone. She's pretty much lost her friends because she's never allowed out with them. I don't let her see loverboy except in school, so not much happening there. And the scary part is, she just doesn't seem to care. She cries that she's got no one and nothing, and I tell her that she can change all of that, but then the next sentence out of her mouth is, "whatever." I don't want a depressed kid, and I don't want her to hurt herself (she hasn't said she will, but so many kids these days cut themselves or take pills, etc). I'm scared!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2012
Wed, 10-31-2012 - 4:52pm

Hi Deb - Hugs to you and and your daughter.  I remember reading your posts a while back about your daughter and thinking what a challenge it is to be a parent of teenagers who honestly believe they can manage their own lives and just need us for transportation and money :).  Things are really escalating and like everyone has said, I think you are absoluteley right own about where things are headed.  I also agree that it is important to seriously limit DD's social life.   My kiddos are really social and very involved in sports/activites.  They sound somewhat similar to your DD so on some level I can understand that it can be hard to limit the things she loves (friends, cheerleading, etc).  At the same time, she has an obligation to prove herself worthy of trust and freedom.  I think I would stop focusing so much on the boyfriend and instead focus on HER actions and responsibilites.  She is not being honest, therefore she does not get to hang out with friends unsupervised.  She is not following the rules / the rules change.  She texts when she shouldn't / no phone.  Her grades are bad, she must need more time at home to work on school work.  I think I would try to leave the boyfriend completely out of the initial discussion and just focus on the fact that she is in charge of her behavior.  You will have to continue address the boyfriend soon, but right now she is not willing to hear anything that you say about him so maybe it will help to just focus on her.  In our school the children's coaches have so much influence over their world - could your daughter's cheer sponser be a source of support?  I realize that this perspective may not work for you, but I have a DS who made really poor choices when he dated a particular girl.  She was older and though I didn't like her - I tried very hard to direct our conversations to what he was doing (drinking, staying out late, hanging out with older kids, etc.) and did not ever mention her.  I just continued to have consequences for the times he did not follow the rules.  We encouraged activities that we could monitor.  It wasn't perfect, but I felt better.  Prayers for you and your daughter. 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2012
Wed, 10-31-2012 - 11:07am

All of your comments and advice are wonderful, and thank you so much.... but, getting her to understand that this boy is and will be abusive to her in the future is impossible. All she knows is she loves him, and continues to say, "he didn't touch me, it was his mother he pushed!" She doesn't get it, she doesn't understand! The police can't do anything because this boy was not physically abusive toward my daughter. There is nothing to charge him with, and if his mother didn't call the police, they can't do anything about his abuse toward her, or their abuse toward each other. She just keeps telling me that he loves her and he says he would never hurt her. Just like a battered/beaten woman who is bleeding to death, or with two black eyes, and is still saying to the police that  he didn't mean it and he says he'll never do it again! I'm feeling at such a loss here. She's 15, and deserves a normal teenage life, and although I know she's made this path for herself, she is only 15, and doesn't understand the seriousness of this, or why it's happened.  Ugh!

Deb

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Mon, 10-29-2012 - 9:05am

Ashmama had some great advice about calling the police and/or a woman's shelter. I'd continue to keep her on a short leash and as socal mentioned - make sure she knows it's because she continues to make poor choices by continuing to see him behind your back. Since she's only 15 I'd limit all her social activity to your home or if you let her go to the mall/movie/etc. go with her to hang in the back ground. This boy is definitely abusive and you are right - he will start taking his anger out on her physically one day if she stays with him. Of course if his own mother punched him in the face it's not surprising that he's abusive - that's what he grew up knowing.

Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2007
Sun, 10-28-2012 - 9:59pm

Great post, great advice!

mom_uk2socal - Mom to DS22, DS19, DD16

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Registered: 05-27-1998
Sun, 10-28-2012 - 7:41pm

I think she needs to understand that you are keeping close tabs on her not because you don't trust her, but because she has made a very bad choice to continue seeing this boy, and this choice has escalated beyond her control. He WILL hit her someday. One day, some other boy will notice her, and he will get jealous and start getting physical. Or she will tire of him and try to pull away, and he'll accuse her of cheating and get violent. He has already pushed her female friends away, the classic first step in an abusive relationship: isolation. He hates you and is badmouthing you to her whenever he gets the chance.

She needs to understand that he is a "type." His type is abuser. He may not intend to lose control, but until he gets help, he will. He can promise all he wants not to hurt her, but he won't be able to control himself one day and he will. Your primary goal, as high as paying your rent or mortgage, should be getting this guy out of her life today. If I were you, I'd call the cops and ask what recourse I had. If they can't help, call a women's shelter and get some advice from them. Your daughter needs help recognizing that this is very far from love or respect and that she deserves both.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2012
Sun, 10-28-2012 - 12:56pm
She is doing a bit better in school, but her grades went up from F's to D's (still not good, but she is showing progress, and I have told her I am proud of her for trying). I have been limiting her with this boy, and I have not allowed him in my home since I found out they had sex here. I have been keeping a close eye on her, and it's been very difficult, because as soon as I let her go out with her friends, I find out he's also there. I can't ground her forever, so I've been letting her out on a very limited basis, but mostly I keep her home and let her friends come here (like last night her girlfriend slept here). Not sure there is anything the school can do because they're not doing anything in school that is disruptive to anyone. I have not talked to her therapist yet because has been on maturnity leave and is due back sometime in Nov. So I guess my current plan is to just continue what I've been doing, however, I don't think I'm going to be able to let her out for Halloween because I don't trust her. It's very sad, and I'm feeling like a mean mom, and I know she doesn't understand. Thank you so much for your reply :) Deb
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2007
Sun, 10-28-2012 - 12:43pm

Oh my gosh Deb, this is very concerning.Any parent would not want this for their daughter at any age, but at 15.......... ugh - I wish I could give you a big hug - but more so get you some help to get rid of this boy!!  What is your current plan?  Have you told the therapist?  Can you get her/his help in developing some kind of plan?  Is there anyone at school that could talk to her?  How much is she seeing of him now - i think you were limiting it to your house only - is that what is happening now?  Is she doing any better at school?  if not, isn't that (and any lies you catch her in) your reason for keeping her home - hence limiting her opportunity to be with him? 

mom_uk2socal - Mom to DS22, DS19, DD16