boyfriend rules??

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2003
boyfriend rules??
37
Wed, 08-11-2010 - 10:12am

my dd has this boyfriend that we are not thrilled with. He is very manipulative and is anti parent/ anti establishment/anti people- except for dd and her girlfriend.

that aside...

my dd just turned 16 at the end of july

do any of you have rules on when your teens can see their boyfriend/girlfriend... ?? how many times per week etc....in what settings...

since it is summer and many of her friends are away.. she only has one girlfriend and him... and the three of them also get together - as well as her girlfriend hangs out with her boyfriend at his house or her house without my dd (?? as they are friends)

My dd got angry at me as i said NO to their going to a movie.. as this consititutes a date to my husband and right now she is not allowed to date. (plus i don;t want to pay 15+ $ for movie and popcorn so they can just makeout... )

Also.. do you have any rules on making out etc...??

Thanks.

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Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Wed, 08-11-2010 - 11:38am

For us, a "date" was when the boy came to our house, picked up my dd and took her out somewhere and paid the freight for the day or evening. So there would not have been a date where *I* spent even a dollar on anything. That said, during HS, our "rules" for bf's were pretty much the rules we had for any friends. We had to meet them and get to know them before the kids went out alone with them. They did not go to ANY house where they were not adequately supervised, so if we didn't know the boys' PARENTS, they didn't go to their house. No boys were allowed in our house when we were not home. No boys in the bedroom ever. The couple SAT in the family room or on the deck--no being draped all over each other. No PDA's--we had that for ANY kids in our house.

Our kids had a nice group of friends, who were all involved in the same extracurriculars, and/or the same jobs, and whose parents were on the same page as us. For the most part, they "dated" within the group, and AS a group. Anyone from outside either joined the group, or was quickly over and done with. My kids and their friends were very busy with jobs and extracurriculars, even in the summer, so there wasn't a lot of free time. But when there was, since we had the family room off the deck, pool, big screen TV, etc, the kids usually congregated HERE. And that was fine with us. We were a smoke, drink, PDA-free zone, and the kids complied. The other homes where the kids hung out, had parents who were the same as us. These kids were pretty happy just bringing over pizzas, or food for the grill, playing card games, board games, shooting pool, playing bags, etc.

Sounds like your dd is not busy enough. If she's over 16, she should be working and supplying her OWN money for gas, movie, and popcorn. She should be involved in volunteer activities. It's a little late(since most kids start during grammar school), but try to get her involved in something like community theater, horseback riding, dance classes or playing a sport. These things will expose her to people who are more motivated, with broader interests, and different perspectives.

Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Wed, 08-11-2010 - 11:58am

That's similar to our family. While our DDs don't feel as comfortable hanging out at our house as they do at some other friends' houses that have more privacy, we know their friends' parents, and the kids (male and female) are good kids. Our older DD was friends with the nicest, highest-achieving girls at her Catholic HS and hung out with them and their boys-school counterparts, and our younger hangs out with the music & art nerds in a large group - they edit the school literary magazine, play together in a community youth orchestra, belong to the Art and German clubs, etc. I haven't run background checks on all of them ;) but the girls have proved that they know how to select friends well.

I agree with Sabr that it's healthiest for teens to have a lot of interests and activities. Idle hands are the devil's tool, and all that. Soooooo true.

Neither has dated, though I wouldn't object. I would expect them to be prepared to pay their own way, with their own money, just to keep things nice and even, especially since when 15yo DD does start dating, she'll most likely be going out with the boy she likes as part of a large group, not an intimate date.

Kelly

Avatar for coldfingers
Community Leader
Registered: 04-30-2000
Wed, 08-11-2010 - 1:29pm

Dating rules in our house...

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Avatar for suzyk2118
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997
Wed, 08-11-2010 - 1:52pm

I think a lot of kids split dates these days because the economy is such that at least my

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
Wed, 08-11-2010 - 2:55pm

not sure if this will help you. my dd is 15. she right now thinks that boys when it comes to dating are gross.

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Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Wed, 08-11-2010 - 3:09pm

That's exactly why my kids and their group mostly did group things. They all were supporting their cars, saving for college, etc, and it was way cheaper for everyone to go to someone's house, spring for a couple pizzas that they ALL pitched in for, and have "Tacky Game Show" night, "B-Movie" night, play cards, etc. And DH & I often sat in for a while, too. Even "real" dating often included several couples, using some parent's Suburban. They liked the roller rink, and they went salsa and swing dancing at the Willowbrook.

And just this last Christmas, both my dds stayed over for a couple nights, and several of their friends were home, visiting their parents too. We ended up with a house full at 10pm. Dh was too full of turkey, dessert and Amaretto, and fell asleep on the couch, but *I* sat up for several hours playing gin, penny ante poker, and put-n-take with the kids. It was a blast!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 08-11-2010 - 8:00pm

I'd be interested to find out how old your DH thinks your DD should be before she can date? Back in the old days (the 70's) when I was a teen my parents said I could date when I was 16--and I thought they were pretty strict parents, I always had a curfew and they waited up. I mean is she not going to start dating until she goes to college & is living on her own? I think that would be worse and she'll be naive & totally unsupervised at the same time. I really don't see any problem w/ going to a movie. In our state, kids really can't drive alone w/ friends in the car until they are 17 so at 16 it still would require adults to drive & pick up.

As far as making out, how can you really make rules about what they are going to do when they are alone? I can (and do) sure talk to my almost 15 yr old DS about what I think he should & should not be doing but unless I watch him 24/7 he has to make the ultimate decision.

I do think in the school year, I don't allow my kids generally to go out during the week anyway unless it's a school activity. They have enough to do w/ homework, activities & jobs when then are 16 so there's not too much free time. And after 16 when they can get jobs, then they pay for their own dates or outings, so I'd say it's between them whether the boy pays or they pay for themselves.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2004
Thu, 08-12-2010 - 8:18am

I think 16 is old enough to date.

With that said, there should be some rules at your house and of the boyfriend lives with little to no rules you might want to limit DD going there, but it's hard, I went through this with my DD. She's now older and wiser and if I had to do it all over again, which I'm so glad I don't, I do it the same but without all the drama and hand wringing on my part.

Here were my rules. No boyfriends in the bedroom ever. Don't leave them home alone. This is the hard one, but ya know my feeling was, if they're going to have sex, it won't be on my watch. Give them some privacy but let her know that you won't give them hours on end to sit and make out. Which leads me to the next part. They'll want to make out and drape themselves all over each other. Well at least some will. It's your job to teach her what is and isn't okay in your home. And what I tell my kids is this: would you really want to sit in the living room while Dad and I make out and touch each other all over and then entwine ourselves and hold onto each other like we're stuck with glue. They then roll their eyes and I say "exactly". Don't do it here either cuz we all feel super weird too!!!! LOL!

For what it's worth. I'd also talk to her about birth control. I am not proposing that you run and get her some toot sweet, but if she has a serious boyfriend and you don't like him, it might be even more reason to suspect that she'll go out of her way to have a super adult relationship, heck even the wonderful kids are having sex these days, so help her prepare herself for that and tell her that she needs to understand to never never not be protected. Feel free to tell her all the reasons not to get into that type of relationship now etc, but be realistic too.

As for making out. It's to be expected, but that's what parking's for right? LOL

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2005
Thu, 08-12-2010 - 8:26am

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2003
Thu, 08-12-2010 - 8:43am

thanks to you all..

I am with you ALL.. We have the same rules....
Except here is the twist...

My biggest problem seems to be the boy.. We have known him since 4th grade - so he is not a stranger - We have known his parents - as they belong to our temple.. and we even carpooled for a couple of years while they went to hebrew school..AND we have gotton together for family BBQ's both at their home and mutual friends AND They live Around the Block from us - so it is too convenient.

We do have a disconnect on ideas thougth. Because he is brilliant - scored 2400 - perfect score on the SAT.. his mom sees him as brilliant/genius.. but does not see him as a hormonal young boy.
She had allowed them to hang out in his room for hours.. and we did not know this until recently when i found out - they were doing more than kissing.

I do know my dd knows that sex should not happen till she is older and she does agree with this.. i believe she does.. BUT of course if passion is rampant - things can happen - but this is something she says she does NOT want to happen at least till college.. which i agree is a better time.

In may.. we found out he was making suicide threats?? attention?? i don't know.. but we had to speak to his mom who stopped driving my dd to school pronto..and then her son started walking to school to meet my dd and friend who were now walking.

In the beginning of the summer my dd wanted to break up with him - and then mysteriously - everything got resolved (???)
Now they are boyfriend/girlfriend.. (do not date) but since we found out about the room stuff,, she is NOT allowed to go over to his house -period. WELL.. since he did not like US anyway.. he told my dd that since she can't come to his house.. HE can't come to HER house - as his mom said it is not nice to go where one does not reciprocate (???)
I have seen her and spoken to her about town events and she has not given me any indication that she knows anything about this.
And the one time months ago when i did find out they were hanging out in his room - told her i did not like it - she said that they were just hanging out. and she visits them alot and nothing is going on.... so we do not have the same views.

We do not have the same views on alot of things.. hence the rule - can't go to his house anymore..

I too do not like his hanging out with her girlfriend - it is weird for me too... but she says - they are friends...

He wants to come by several times a week to sit on our stoop - as he "can't come in" which serves his purpose - because he never wanted to come in. He hates his parents... and therefore us too.

I am looking for good ways to keep them apart as often as possible.. so i wondered if anyone had a "You can see the boyfriend only 1 day a week" kind of thing (Wish Wish)

I can't wait for school to start - Because she will be overloaded with school/ soccer and girlfriends!!!

Thanks.

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