Bracing myself

Avatar for kel7col4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Bracing myself
15
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 2:20pm
dxfcvgbhnjkm,


Edited 9/1/2007 4:26 pm ET by kel7col4



Pages

Avatar for kel7col4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: kel7col4
Tue, 02-27-2007 - 3:05pm

Julie,

No offense taken in any shape or form. Please understand any info I get from dd is all of her free-will. I have taken a step back and I'm very much just here for her. This incident was hard for me to keep my mouth shut through only because I didn't like how anyone was being treated which is why I came here to vent. Even if BF was the worst guy in the world, I wouldn't want her to treat him like that - it's just not her.

When I said I don't think I could have gotten through Christmas without him, I meant he kept things light around here. Instead of dd and I both moping separately about being separated from dh, bf was here throughout and everything was very lighthearted rather than the tension I think dd and I both expected to go through. I mean silly things like watching them wrap a circular item for 2 hours just cracked me up and then them baking cookies together and having a food fight, and their exchange of gifts. It was sweet and it just took my mind off of my loneliness at the time. And the 2 of them are hilarious together, it's not like I'm spying on them. My house is only so big, so I am around them alot. Silly things like comparing a zit they each have - I mean come on, who does that??? He just kept things around here moving, if that makes any sense.

I don't tell dd what to do with her situations, I don't pry, I don't inquire into things - she seriously got in my truck that night and everything came out in the less than 10 miles it takes to get home. The only words out of my mouth were "did you have fun?" Last night, she got home really annoyed about the fact that R was lying about everything and just kept talking.

I thought I was doing good with taking a step back - I haven't taken sides, I haven't really done anything, anything I have shared here has certainly just been observations, mostly about when she was treating him badly. At first when I started with this I thought I was still a "teacher" so to speak and was supposed to be teaching how and how not to treat people. It was pointed out to me that at this point in her life, she's pretty much on her own to make her mistakes and hopefully learn from them. I've stepped back to let her do this - and I've kept my mouth shut.

Am I supposed to walk away when she's talking about things? Cover my ears and say "blah blah" when she comes to me for advice or to vent? Yes she tells me too much sometimes - but that is her.....it's NOT me prying.....

I don't think I am overly attached to boyfriend - he's only a temporary fixture in her life right now - I know this. Do I think he's good to her? Yes, he's definitely not perfect, he's made some mistakes as well, but I've left it between them. Do I think he's been good for her? Yes, only since meeting him has she set some goals for herself educationally. She's taking responsibility for her grades. Things I never thought would happen for her. Do I think he's the sweetest guy ever? Maybe not ever, but like I said before, he has stuck with dd through the worst time of her life and has always been right there to pick her up.

When dd asks for advice - I haven't jumped in and said "do this" or "don't do that" - she's tells me what's going on and I would ask open ended questions. Like with everything this weekend - "What do you think you should do?" When she was saying she thought she had feelings for R, I didn't jump in saying "are you freaken nuts??? how could you do that?? J is soooo much better" I may have wanted to - but I didn't. I sat there and listened.....again whether dd is with J or not, I don't like the way she was treating him. I didn't like the, idk, manipulation??? and stringing him along.

I guess I will bite my tongue all the way around - I guess I was being annoying about it all.




iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
In reply to: kel7col4
Tue, 02-27-2007 - 4:42pm

Perhaps I was reading more into your posts than you intended. Again, I apologize! I guess, since I would never had shared that much info with my mom -- and would fall over dead from shock if DD ever does with me. Because a lot of teens tend to be rather secretive, it seems a little odd (from this end anyway)that you know so much about your DD's love life, and in so much detail. I guess I would expect something like "R hit on me at the sledding party and he knows I have a boyfriend!" and not a (as daddio said) play-by-play account of the day and where R's hands went.

I think every mom hopes for her DD, a BF like the one you describe, who will treat our girls like the princesses we know them to be. I'm sure it does warm your heart and give you warm fuzzies.

Of course I don't think you should just walk away from your DD when she is 'sharing' all this with you, be glad she does. But in a year's time, maybe even less, it will be something else with somebody else. After all, your DD is a teen.

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
In reply to: kel7col4
Tue, 02-27-2007 - 6:33pm

Well here's the thing -- this is what dating as a teen or young adult is about -- meeting people and exploring options and finding out what is truly important to you in a relationship.

She isn't married or engaged and we aren't talking about a serious adult relationship -- they are kids and chances are if they aren't breaking up now they will break up some time in future. Sure we can all point to people who met as teens and married and are still together but the vast majority of teen relationships don't last.

I am not a romantic in that I don't believe in the notion of "soul mates" or that there is only one person for each person -- we can all find many people with whom we can connect on some level and how we land on one person at any point in time is a complex and mysterious thing. Just as complex and mysteriously we can "disconnect" quite quickly.

And a teenager has even more at play in that their hormones are in the mix and their connections can be totally illogical. This guy was nice to your dd and he was affectionate and very intimate with her and, dare I say it, he pushed some button somewhere because he is on her mind. My gut tells me it is an infatuation but that's for her to figure out.

You don't need to lecture her just advise her on how to treat other people with great sensitivity and honesty and respect. She's going to break up with guys all the time and hopefully she knows how to do so with some integrity and care towards their feelings.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
In reply to: kel7col4
Tue, 02-27-2007 - 6:39pm

Amen to that re: 'in a year's time or less it will be something else with someone else'!

Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
In reply to: kel7col4
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 2:37pm


I agree with you 100%.

Pages