bullying

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2003
bullying
29
Mon, 10-06-2003 - 12:07pm
Please help. My 14 year old son has just arrived home from school in tears. He is being bullied. Unfortunately he is very sensitive, but this guy is 4 years older than him and is making his life a misery. I have been to his bus driver(he goes on the same bus ) and he has moved the guy to the front of the bus where he can keep an eye on him.My son says he calls him gay and has been shooting him with a pellet gun. I have also been to his principal who has been keeping an eye on them, and also confiscated the bully's pellet gun.My son is heartbroken, and this bully torments him all the time, calling him gay and other names I'm sure my son hasn't told me about. My son tells me that he has retaliated some times but this does not seem to have done any good.T(my son) does not want me to go to the bully's parents as he is afraid that this will only make matters worse. T told me that this guy gave him a really hard time last year but when I asked him why he didn't tell me about it he said he didn't want to worry me. I am in bits and so upset I don't know what to do.Do I approach the bully myself or my husband, or maybe his parents, against the wishes of T. PLEASE HELP!!!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: gero1966
Mon, 10-06-2003 - 12:26pm
Is there a police liaison officer connected to your son's school? I might try to talk to him and ask him if any resources are available outside the school or what he'd recommend for how to handle a bully. Sometimes schools and school counsellors and principals can help but more often than not, if they don't *see* something happen, they can't intervene. Telling your son all manner of things like stand up for yourself, etc., will not work until he feels empowered to be able to do so, in a way he CAN.

Classes in the martial arts, which also teaches forms of self-discipline within one's mind and self-empowerment thru various means, is helpful in the long run. Not to literally fight (altho he'll have learned 'how' to put a STOP to something if it escalates when he stands against a bully) but to know how to stand up to a bully because *inside* himself, he will have learned tools that have more to do with confidence in oneself TO do this. Bullies are basically cowards; they need to pick on someone, and intimidate & control someone 'weaker' in order to feel stronger. If your son learns tools that he can feel a confidence in, standing up to the bully and being capable of putting a stop to something escalating as a result, will put a stop to the bullying b/c it's no longer effective and the bully is then the one who has something to lose. Meanwhile, is there any other bus he can take, or could you even drive him for a time until he has tools that enable him to feel capable of dealing with this?

This is heartbreaking. I think there needs to be way more actual HELP out there for kids who suffer from this because it is soo prevalent. I hope that you will find something that will help your son to feel he can help himself in these situations.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2003
In reply to: gero1966
Mon, 10-06-2003 - 1:36pm
Thanks for your prompt reply. I'm so upset about this.There is no such person as a police liason officer at my son's school.I could take him to school, but he says he will feel like he is giving in to the bully, and that he likes to meet his friends on the bus.Anyway this guy corners him at school, always when he is on his own, of course. I have told him all the usual things, that the guy is a coward and that he is probably jealous of T(to which my son answered what has he to be jealous of). As for him doing karate or the like, I'm afraid he is not the 'physical' type, if you know what I mean. He loves books and computers and keeps to himself a lot. Having said that, he has plenty of friends who stand by him and have told him to ignore the bully. I will try to persuade him to do some self-defence classes.He told me that this guy is making his school life a misery. Again, thanks for your reply. I spoke to my husband on the 'phone(he works away in Dublin all week, we are in Limerick) and he said that he'd take time off work and meet with the school. I don't know if that will do any good. Is there anything that I personally can do as I feel so frustrated and would love to meet this bully and give him a piece of my mind.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: gero1966
Mon, 10-06-2003 - 2:39pm
No, I really think that you confronting/speaking with this bully would create a bigger problem for you son, not to mention that it will send the msg to your son that you don't think he can handle this (& right now he needs you to believe that he CAN handle this way more than you need to confront the bully...) Part of empowering our kids is our own belief in them that they can handle whatever tough situation they are in, and providing them with tools.

I would call around to the various disciplines of martial arts training and speak to people at each one (tae kwon do; karate; etc). Explain that your son is not physically-oriented and that you are looking for a discipline that will help him to feel more confident in his mind and attitude over even the physical prowess of learning the skills in the training. Ask what they would recommend. Also, when you find a place that mirrors what you are seeking, I would ask if you could bring your son there to meet and have them explain these aspects of the training to him so he understands it's not something he has to be an action figure style person to do :-)

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2003
In reply to: gero1966
Mon, 10-06-2003 - 4:26pm
Thank you so much for listening - it was good to talk to someone who is using their head and not their heart like I am - thus making me impulsive and making all the wrong decisions.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: gero1966
Mon, 10-06-2003 - 4:30pm
:-) - hey, you are still making the most important decisions right; to think it through BEFORE acting on those totally understandable impulses. I've had thousands of fights or confrontations in my mind, with a great deal of satisfaction at the end of them without the person knowing a thing ;-)

{{Hugs}} ... for you and your son.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2003
In reply to: gero1966
Mon, 10-06-2003 - 5:59pm
Cheers - I'm heading to bed now - it's almost 11pm Irish time and I'm exhausted both physically and emotionally. Keep in touch, gero.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2003
In reply to: gero1966
Tue, 10-07-2003 - 11:59am
Hi kkiana, well today I approached T's principal and he was very understanding and helpful.The first thing he said to me was thanks for meeting him about this and not taking it into my own hands. He really listened to me and paid attention to every word I said. He said he'll take into account that T is very sensitive and he will deal with the problem immediately. He said that he will call me either Thursday or Friday and let me know what has happened. He will be very discreet but will get the message across.I really feel he will get somewhere with it. I know him pretty well as I went to school there, and at the time he taught me, so he knows I'm not a trouble-maker and am genuine in my concerns. Once again, thanks for the advice and I'll keep you posted.





iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: gero1966
Tue, 10-07-2003 - 2:03pm

Hi gero - I know I didn't respond before but kkiana always gives such darn good advice it's hard to beat it!



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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2003
In reply to: gero1966
Tue, 10-07-2003 - 4:30pm
hi jlsjjsmom, good to hear from you and you're right, kkiana has great advice.But the more the merrier, and I'm sure your tuppence worth is just as good. Any advice from a mom is good advice because, if you haven't been there yourself, you sure will know someone who has.Thanks for tuning in, and I'll keep ye posted.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2003
In reply to: gero1966
Tue, 10-07-2003 - 5:21pm
My son also 14 is being bullied by a few of the jocks in the school. I also went to the guidance counselor and today the vice principle. My son says the same as your son when he fights back with words they come back at him full force. My son is a warm, loving, smart teenager. He wouldn't hurt a fly. I never pushed him into sports he is now taking Karate but it has only been a few weeks. Every day he doesn't want to go to school because of these kids. He has been sent home for numerous stomache problems and headaches and his grades are starting to fail. I'm giving his school to the end of the week and then it will be handled my way because I can't stand seeing my son so upset. I am also afraid of what could happen if this continues (suicide). You hear that it happens and I am deathly afraid. Good luck to you and your son. I only pray that things work out well. Write to me and maybe together we can help one another.

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